And Cabeza De Vaca outlived 600 men
Ate horse for survival
In hurricanes, he swam
But I can't
and I can't
and Cabeza De Vaca
Never commanded respect
he simply lived and did what he did
while he was the last to stand
But I can't
I can't

As I age
I do not see
excitement in front of me
I see a place
where I play a role
and try to make the most
for the ones I owe the role
I do not see
anything more I will try to be
Falling into complacency
happened slowly but here I am

Mix and Match
Toss and Throw
I should've skipped the interview
and talked with you
and listened too
until my times was done and through

You need a short girl who makes you feel like a man
And not normal short
But like really short because you’re short yourself

Never could quite get it right
Too loose or too tight
Too dark or too light
Too fast or too slow
Too high or too low
Too much or too little
The whole thing an unsolvable riddle
Just couldn’t figure it out much
That’s what I get for not having no luck

Last night
I spilled insecurities all over the floor
I slipped and slid
I crawled on my knees
And climbed my way up the wall
Into your arms
But I never stopped thinking
The stains never go away
And I’m still not okay

Go **** Yourself

Beaten down like a path full of powdery dirt with lumps and holes throughout the earth
Quiet now because age has laid its hand on my head and told me to rest
Still angry
In my heart
In my soul
Watching and reading a life wading in a brook

Creepy crawly
Seashell lover
Beads around a wrist no longer
Bones that crunch and hair that twists
Six feet under a sordid mix
A sun that shines on quiet days
Morning brings a foggy haze
And you don’t come out on Sundays
and can you feel the quiet
And can you smell the earth
And do you hear the silence
Do you still feel the hurt?

My twisted hue
On doorstop eyes
With crystal windows
Drip drop drain
My velvet hair
On tear stained blues
Back bend summer
Screen door warmth
On a cement porch

Bouncing on a lava lake
Stretchy rubber never breaks
Burning burning twisting pain
Acid slimey mucous lake

Was this always
Where you kept me
In a bottle
On a shelf
With your anger
And your boredom
Just part of your mental health
Is this always
How you’ll leave me
Stranded
Gasping for breath
If this is too far out of your depth
Swim back to shore now
That’s your best bet
If you feel like you might die
Go ahead
Hold your breath
Go with the tide

Pretentious
And entitled
Making me sick
No humility
No self awareness
Ever persists
Like a plant
that can’t
Dig through the soil
Lay dead

The soul feels like an ocean
The heart a water drop
A mix of new emotions
Crash then break then stop
Only so much destruction
Before that becomes boring too
Rust turns into corrosion
Then back to nothing new

Not good enough
Not quite suffice
I saw you walk toward me
Pointing your newly sharpened knife
And as I braced for impact
I remembered I’m not even good enough
to penetrate

If I don’t look away
If my hand doesn’t shake
If I smile once or twice
If I say a little more
And wear a little less
Can we try again

Now you can sleep I guess
Unless you still can’t

Crawling toward a light
A little warm light
Campfire lantern stuck in time
When the glow hits my hands I start to dance
Will I ever change
Don’t patronize me
Get off your bended knee
I don’t need you on the same level as me
My eyes are not the things I’m hoping you see
My thighs are the size they are for your hands to squeeze
And I’ve had many days of bruises on them
And many days of milky white
Don’t small talk with me
Don’t tell me what you want me to hear
I see you hanging on my words
It’s cute
And as soon as it’s in my grasp
It becomes my responsibility

I don’t know what to do
More than anything, I’d like to do you

If I walk the way you say
Slowly and carefully
All along the way
If I hold every hand tight
If I smile at every bright light
If I twist and turn only at night
Will it constitute a resolution

Does it feel right?
Always
And is it?
Never
A touch of the hand or a brush of the sweater
A look in your eyes makes me come
untethered
And I know it’s right
But it can be
Never

You pulled your boat to my Thunder
I took my storm to the sea
I have an ocean left to plunder
If you’ll lay down in front of me

It took me seven months without you
To see what we could’ve been
And if I’m around you much longer
I feel temptation giving in

It’s not the smile
Or brightened eyes
It’s not the hand
Between my thighs
With you I dream about a calm
With you I dream and dream is all

Touch
The top
Of my hand
As I sliiide into you
And you collapse onto me
As I bounce into your chest
Your lips starting to embark on my neck
And When I feel the wetness of the wave
I know it’s time to embank
Receding again
The reflection on the sea
Reminding me
we can only be friends

flakes clanking into a window pane
Snow piling onto the window sill
Tears streaming down the sides of my face
Wondering if you want me still

Looked down on
You had to climb a ladder
A superficial evaluation
Nevertheless made me cry
My soul that’s yet had a chance to rest
But still it made me cry
I do not want to be good
My heart and mind always fight
I make myself be good
At least I try to try
It’s ******* days like this
When you tear down something I worked so hard to build
But at least the bricks made from clock ticks
Will go to good use

I used to crave a cold hotel room
Martinis for just the olive
$200 shoes
I used to crave nighttime talks
Headache relief
And approval
Now I just crave you

Thought the bell would ring
No
Thought the bird would sing
No
Can’t believe me
So deceiving
Everything I felt not true
From infatuation to who are you
I can’t make up my mind
And I already had made you mine

I get Bored quick
Bored quick
And quicker as I get older
I get sick quick
Sick of small talk and dead ends
Sick of handshake. Smile. Pretend
I can’t stick with it
I can’t stick
I get bored quick

Can you engage with me in an affair, a fantasy
Or at least get so close to the edge you can feel the wind beneath your feet
Will you engage with me in *** on a desk
In hidden texts
And backseat tangled legs
Can you give me enough
Just something
To wash this taste from my tongue

Your cursive outlines the scratch of my pen
Which scribbles through my brain an ideal life of us together but my gestures remain in vain because you won’t give in

Thank you for leaning in
It validated my feelings some
It validated what I think your feelings are
But I won’t ever know

I guess i shall cook and clean so I can alas make the choking in the bed room seem believable. Oh the things I do for ****** satisfaction

When the sun sets
And the curtains are closed
When the table is set
And expressions froze
I think of you
And your absence
You and your careless attitude
What more can I do
**** **** **** and lose the only leverage I have over you
Ignore you and watch you not notice
Regretting leaving myself open
With each minute is a jab
With each jab, a stab
And the blood looks a lot like tears

Ring ring beep
Ring ring beep
No more ring

In love again
I don’t even know if you’re being honest
In love again
And you seem a little withdrawn
And then you seem a little too enthralled
I can’t anyway
I have to remind myself
But the attention feels nice after life on a shelf
In love again
Or lust
Can’t trust
My emotions
In love again I think because my heart skips beats
when you’re next to me
and my name sounds like a kiss from your lips
Even though your hands seem sort of odd
Every though you’re hair doesn’t fall where it ought
A stretch
A stretch
A stretch
I hope Im not in love again
Especially with you

Trying to be good all the time
To not shine in your eyes
To stop before I cry
And think for you

Wanting
Something so much more
My heart won’t be ignored
I can’t believe I stopped and went for you

You can almost see her cry
Eyes filling to the brim
And when you think it’s going to happen
her heart drinks them all again

Thank you for looking my way
It was the only compliment I got today
Though I gave 10
To the one paid to love me
Please give me more
I crave your gratuity

Christmas play
Making me feel
1945
Jolly rock Christmas tree bluebird
I hope you sing loud all week long

Maybe I should write plainly
I do not love you
Yet
I’d like for you to love me

I know that rugs get walked on
Regardless of their cost
Regardless of the time it took the man to weave and wash

I know my will is bending
I’m too tired to make it stop
Earthquake floors from the time I was born
Made me realize my cause is lost

You’re the defense for the offense
White flag you’ve won I’ve not
I’ll go away and build again
And this is where you’re top

I’m just a rug to walk on
A player in a game that won’t stop
I’ve tried my best to defeat it
Now I’d rather just flop

Pea hen high
Shot down
Doesn’t fly
Quite
So much anymore
Still the same color
Feathers much fuller
But still she lay from their ray

Bounce bounce
On your ****
I’d love to make you want it
Yearn pine
My heart just cries
For something you never wanted

Like waves strong then soft
my mood passes
You see it and feel it
I feel it and know
I know that if I’m smiling I won’t want you
And if I’m frowning you won’t want me
I’m in the dark
Or you’re in the dark
But the cave never closes

I can’t help but *****
When I think of you
Can’t help but swallow when I’m meant to chew
Too much new touch
Penetrate beneath my skin
My soul shakes and spins
Spins and shakes
Wake and bake
With shame so full I don’t fit the shoe

Doorknob turning
Slowly
And
Click

I loved you like a shoe loves a roach
I loved you like dirt loves water and soap
I loved you like gum on my shoe or the bottom of my jeans scraping the pavement
I loved you like a fly loves the cold
Like the youth love getting old
I loved you most went you were gone

Watching you look for your keys used to be my cue to plead
but now I just think hurry please

My heart flitters and my feet shout
my legs shake
and I want you to tell me all the things you love about me and I’ll pretend all of them are true

Looking at you
A puddle of bored
A restless of sad
A happyless shade of i wish I could
Still and calm
Pebbles inside
Piercing my heels