God. How am I still not okay?

God. It's been so long.

God. I'm so tired of life right now.

God. What happened to me?

I was such a nice kid.
I was calm all the time.
Mature for my age,
Little but so lively.

I was so helpful.
So loyal.
I always supported my trust.
But I never really spoke my mind.

I was shy.
I was small.
I never stood up for my feelings
I never stood up for myself.

And now I'm older.
I realize I don't need support.
I need myself.
I need confidence.

Speaking your mind is not wrong.
Standing up for your feelings isn't rude.
Standing up for yourself isn't mean.
Saying what you feel doesn't make you imperfect.

No one's perfect. Not even them.
The ones you hate for being so amazing.
Maybe she has anxiety.
Maybe his mom is alcoholic.

No one has a perfect life.
There's not one perfect family in the world.
There is not a person in the world who's perfect.
There's not a person who doesn't have one bit of strife.

But just because you aren't perfect.
Doesn't make you less worth it.
You're amazing.
You're still charming, kind, and strong.

You're just more experienced.
You just understand some more things now.

And maybe, just maybe,
You just aren't as shy anymore.

It is difficult to guard the heart
The heart that wants everything
The heart that wants what it can't have
And the heart stupid enough
To want what hurts it the most.

What you think is my anger,
truth is I'm just scared to talk to you... because I don't know what to say and I know I'm not worth it. In fact, I spend every night thinking about you typing something on the chat but ending up to delete because I'm too scared anyway...

What you think is pride,
I am just too uncertain on what to tell you for you to perhaps find and for me to understand the 'interesting' you once called me. Deep inside, I know I'm boring and I just don't want to hurt you.

What you think sloth,
it is my commitment to try to understand what it means to be an average person living in fear of quizzes, grades, hoping to pass, and doing my best to graduate.

What you think is gluttony,
well to be honest I just really love eating...

What you think is jealousy,
I know I'm not perfect and many others will appeal more to you or look much more ideal than I am. So what you think is jealousy is for me simply afraid of loosing you.

What you think is greed,
none of this I have ever kept for myself. But, I shall spare you the details because you might just pity me.

What you might think lust,
perhaps more accurate if you say creepy or annoying, is what I call concern and care.

I like you
I value you, and
I love you.

God is the game master
I am the Chess player
I play the King and just like anybody else
I too am afraid to loose my most valuable piece - my queen.

She taught me, a demon, two things...
How to smile and how to cry.