Ayesha

Ayesha Jun 2020

While spilling buckets of water
Into the ocean
to save the ship from drowning
You try and try
To pour your thoughts on paper
Spill by spill
Your body tiring, energy failing
Word by word
Why does the ship keep choking?
You ask no one
Panting and sobbing, streams of your
Tears and sweat
Praying and hoping, striving to stay
Live some more.
You hope you hope you hope
And write.
But the tides are way too strong.
Ship gives in.
Drowning and dying, so do you.
Hopeless, empty
you put your numb self on a wood
And endure
Until that too tires, into the blank waves
one last word.
One last verse. One last poem. One last.

A thousand more to come.

If our thoughts were finite, each poem would be a leaf shedding away from the stem, finally free.
14 year old's notion.

Ayesha Jun 2020

Anxious

Picked nails, bleeding lips,
aching teeth in screeming sheep
I'm an anxious wolf.
〰

And I'm howling soundlessly in a valley full of succumb beings

#haiku #anxiety #wolf #sheep

Ayesha Jun 2020

A tired mess

No adhesive sticks to my wallpaper.
None.

I spent hours collecting aesthetic pictures
Searching books for my favourite quotations
Typing them down and printing them out
Cutting them to pieces and
framing them to perfection
Collecting my old polaroids and butterflies
Shopping for attractive vines and lights
Searching out the ideas and picking out the best
Done.

One by one, I taped the beauties up
Step by step, I filled up the whole wall
Piece by piece, I taped the pictures
It looked beautiful.

But when the **** came down,
it didn't come in steps or pieces
When the **** came down,
The **** came down.

All the scattered mess in front of me
Mocking me of my hope and expectations
laughing at my naive ideas and plans
The tangled wires of my defeated dreams
The wilted quotations quoting my motivations
Fallen polaroids depicting the damaged past

All the scattered mess in front of me
And I didn't pick it up for
I too was somewhere in there
Fallen, defeated, wilted, withered mess
I didn't blame the wall for
It too was struggling not to fall

That's what my room has become.
A tired mess mirroring my being.

Just wrote it.
I know it's not the best but
just needed to let it out.

Ayesha Jun 2020

If I were a bird

If I were a bird,
I'd fly over the houses, all around the world. Peek inside the windows, watch people live by their lives and stare at faces get old. I'd look closely at every face that shone and every that did not. I'd look for You in every laugh and then in every cry, In every excited child and in every insipid adult. In a person begging for an ounce of life and in a person running from it. I'd look for You in the drowned and the one dissolving in dirt.

If I were a bird,
I'd fly high above the skies, jump above the clouds to have a glimpse of Your light. I'd ask the moon for directions to Your house, I'd trick the stars into leaking Your address. I'd ask sun who he worshiped and inquire abyss who she feared. I'd ask the owls, the eagles and the vultures the secret of a high flight so I could reach up to You and knock on Your door.

If I were a bird,
I'd fly and fly as high as I could in search of Your Grace. Use all my skills to reach You, and even though I would fail eternally, I'd still try and try until my wings withered to ashes and my being blended in with gusts of tireless wind. I'd then visit the places with wind that I could not with wings, I'd look for You till the wind too got tired and decayed in struggle.

If I were a bird,
I'd look for You in all the skies and even above.

But since I'm not
and since I can't soar high above or talk to stars or even see the whole world.

Since I'm powerless and fragile, and finite;
I'll just bow down till my forehead meets the ground that You carved only for me, I'll just cry and cry till You open your doors.
I'll wince and sing till my being starts dancing on the beat of my own sobs, I'll dance and dance till there's nothing.

And when I'll close my eyes,
in the darkness of unexpected but fully invited light,
I know I'll find You.
I know I'll catch a glimpse of You.
I know You'll be there.

You're always there.
You're always here.

Ayesha Jun 2020

Beauty

I'd like being the moon;
known and adored for beauty
not for the body.
✩

#moon

Ayesha Jun 2020

I swear it wasn't me.

It wasn't me I swear, it wasn't me It was the monster I swear, it was him It was he who committed the ****** It was he who burned down the town It was he who lit up the first spark It was he who fired the furious shot I swear it was him and I know you say you saw me but I swear it wasn't me. It was he who came in in the dense of night It was he who stuffed himself inside me It was he who saw through my cracked eyes It was he who walked in my broken disguise I swear it was him. I know I sound unbelievably strange but believe me I know not who he is.

Or maybe it was me.

#disguise

Ayesha Jun 2020

Drowning

No matter how close,
the surface seems miles away
when you're out of air.

I don't know when I wrote this.

#drowning #suffocation