I feel light,
I feel free,
Something I haven’t felt in a long time,
A feeling,
That I last felt in the warm palms of my mother.

I realised that my feelings weren’t the ones holding you back,
But the memories,
Not the ones stuck in my head,
Because I’ve managed to bury them in my heart,  
But those texts, gifts, letters and worst of all the touch,
Your touch,
Like glue sticking on my body,
Like you-sticking on my body.

I feel free,
I feel light,
But I realised it isn’t something I have not felt in a long time.

I felt it,
Yes,
I felt free,
I felt light,
But that, was when I was with you.

When I was with you,
I never was with you,
I was always above you,
Above everyone else,
Light,
Happy,
And free,
But- you left.

You left, and hung a heavy weight on my throbbing chest,
Hauled me down from the sky,
That I hit the ground with such an impact,
It crushed my heart.

**You crushed my heart

Love,
An over-rated feeling I reckon,
From the second we were born,
Till our very last- breath,
We assume love is in the air,
Literally- in the form of beings.

Humans,
Wow,
Even words aren’t qualified to describe them.

Humans,
Have the power to defile something so pure,
And make themselves victims,
Of their very, own,
Desecration.

Love,
An energy so puissant,
A gift from God,
Can be deceived,
Simply by the glare of two, strong, eyes,
And there it goes,
Love decides to misuse its boundless power.

Before you even know it,
We tend to lose ourselves,
A little, by little,
Just like those trees during fall,
Until,
We’re completely destroyed,
And join all the other broken stars up the sky.

At least,
Those are what my dad said,
When I asked about those,
Single,
Incomplete,
Stars

You made me feel so desperate,
I was just the girl who wanted to live a simple life,
Fall in love,
Have kids,
Settle down.

You came- and showed me things I could have never envisioned,
You- made me dream,
You- lifted me up the chair I was stuck onto,
You- showed me the world that lived out of the little cubicle I was trapped in,
You- showed me the kind of love that made me feel light,
Thanks to the butterflies you caught in my tummy.

You- showed me love,
Then,
You- snatched it away

But,
But, you snatched your love away,
Mine is still enrooted within me,
My feelings,
My desperateness,
My dreams,
All of it is hovering- in the new cubicle you have locked me in.

I’m suffocating,
I can’t breathe without your love,
Despite it being completely bogus.

You have made me weak,
Weaker than ever,
Who gave you the power to make me weak?

Then I realised,
It was me,
It was me who gave you the power,
I- let you in,
I- accepted the ‘love’ you offered,
I- let you haul me out of that dark cubicle I felt less vulnerable in.

**I let you destroy me.

I aspire to be a kind, loving person,
I might not have found the reason behind my existence,
But I do believe being kind and loving will guide me to an answer,
An answer, many aren’t fortunate enough to find.

Maybe I’ll love you maybe I won’t,
Don’t ask me why,
Because that would make me cry.

If you had loved me enough,
You would know why,
At least, I hope you’d know why.

I hope, you’d know it’s not you- but me
It’s because of me, you are locked outside my life,
It’s because of the fear in me.

Be my knight in shining armour,
Break down the wall of fear between us,
And I show you how much luxury my love can offer.

I thought wrong,
I thought I loved you,
I thought you were all I needed,
I thought our memories together, were the little fuel left- for my burning soul,
But God,
I thought wrong.

It wasn’t you,
Neither was it your ‘love’,
Nor those - bitter, sweet memories,
But,
Myself.

I was desperate- for love,
I am desperate -to be loved,
I envied the comfort I sensed when she sunk- into your heaving chest,
I yearned that peace I could never win,
That touch which could mend my shattered leftovers,
And mostly those lips which would sit long enough to carve mine.

Now that I’ve outgrew the tiny box your insincere love had locked me in,
I have learnt to love, love and not you.

Fear,
It’s exquisite on its own,
It plays with you, uniquely at each stage of life,
Form the second you were born to your very, last… breath.

My first breath- out of my mother’s belly,
The fear- that it would be the first and last.

On the first day of pre-school,
The fear- of leaving my parents behind.

The first day of elementary school,
The fear- of boys.

First day of high school,
The fear- of being lonely,
And then,
The worst of all,
The first crush,
The fear- of being crushed.
The fear- of not being tall enough,
Not thin enough,
Not hot enough,
Just not enough,
Not enough,
Not enough for him; to love you  
Just then you’ll realise,
It is not something that should be cried over because,
It is just, not…worth,
But it’s too late,
Isn’t it?
By that time,
Your heart spurts pain; from all the punctures he had made,
It melts; from all those hurtful, fiery words, he had uttered.

Then its repercussions,
The fear- of falling in love again,
The fear- that it will a happen; all, over again,
But,
That is, love-isn’t it?
It just doesn’t give a **** about how or even what you feel?
It’s just selfish- just, like the ones who you end up falling in love with,
And despite all,
You will still fall for him!
You will drown in his flattery words,
And comfort your cold heart from the warmth of his skin,
And kiss him- till you can taste his soul,
Every single day, and night.

Then,
The awful fear,
Oh My!
The fear- of him leaving,
But you will marry him anyways,
Because that is love.

And at last,
The moment where love is expressed without a single, word,
The moment where you make love,
The moment where you merge,
Connect,
Feel,
Unite,
Form ONE pure soul.

Then motherhood visits,
A little something,
That brings shine and tranquility,
An art that represents you both.

And it all starts,
It starts; all, over again.

Fear.

God I wanna hate you,
I wanna curse you,
Yes,
I want to ram you with a concrete mixer,
And I want you to be swept away by a hurricane,
But then she appears,
She appears like a red, warning, siren, in my head.

Her smile,
Her laughter,
Her beauty,
Her everything,
Mostly,
The comfort I sense when she lays against your chest,
The same comfort I felt,
When I was the one playing on the swings of your chest.


Only because I understand the way you make her laugh,
The way you fall asleep playing with her hair,
The way you haul her into your arms and kiss her when no one is watching.

I know,
I know everything,
But I also know how it is to be snatched away from all of those,
And I want her to treasure all that she has,
Only until she loses the battle to some other girl.

Loving you was optional,
But falling for you wasn't,
Loving you was within the boundaries of my heart,
But falling for you was a matter of life, and death .


But now it's gone,
Everything,
All the love and care and obsession,
It's all gone,
I gave you my all,
But you parcelled it in a pretty box,
Played with it,
And threw it back at my face,
As if it was a temporary gift.


But now it's gone,
Everything,
All the love and care and obsession,
It's all gone,
But, the pain you inflicted upon my deep sincere vulnerable soul, isn't,
It still aches,
Such pain, that dictates both my bleeding heart, and my demented mind.


I guess,
It isn't all gone,
I guess my feelings just drifted to another route,
The hate route.

So, much pain,
So, much pain a woman has to go through,
We give, and give, and give,
But in return,
We bleed, and bleed, and bleed,
Both,
Internally and externally,
Both,
By strangers and loved ones.

We are asked, and asked, and asked,
Asked to give,
Asked to do,
Asked to stop.

Asked to give our dignity,
Ask to do tasks, more than our body can handle,
Asked to stop believing, we,
Have a future,
A future,
That involves euphoria, and tranquility,
But in reality,
It’s just, pain and hurt and abuse and, non-stop, unconsented ***,
****.

When,
Will, it end?
When?
When will we be permitted human rights?
When can our daughters, go out during the night, or even the day, without the fear of being robbed their home and dignity,
When can we women not be blamed for others invading parts of our body that we didn’t ask for, that fits manhood,
When will we stop being tools that prove masculinity,
When will we be granted wings to fly so high, without the fear of being ogled at all of us that shakes,
Again something we, never, did ask for.

When can we be human?
When can I be human?
When can I be my dad,
When can I be my brother,
When can I be my husband,
When can I be that stranger,
That male stranger there,
When can I be treated equally as men?

Being lonely isn’t a bad thing after all,
I get to sit and ponder about how much better I deserve,
Ponder about all the times I degraded myself,
Ponder about all the times I was blinded by my love for you,
That I find it disgusting and worst of all petrified to even think about.

It took me long enough to realise you leaving wasn’t the worst thing that could possibly happen,
All the times I spent crying by the window staring at the empty sky wondering if God’s watching,
Even questioning or to be precise rebuking God for stealing my loved one.
Then came the day I stopped doing so,
The day I realised he didn’t steal my loved one,
He did not steal my loved one because you-you were not my loved one,
You didn’t deserve to be.



I deserve better,
I deserve to be sunk in love- not drowned
I deserve to be touch by passionate hands and not itchy ones,
I deserve better,
and you,
you deserve nothing but sympathy,
my sympathy for you that you can’t love,
you can’t love like me,
you can’t feel like me,
you can’t be me.  

You,
You deserve nothing.

I want to lose my breath when I meet you,
I want the world to pause when our eyes meet,
I want to act as if my heart isn’t erupting like a volcano,
Because I want you to lose your mind,
I want to steal every part of you,
Until you lose yourself.

I’ll secretly cuss every mademoiselle you talk to,
But deliberately surround myself around blokes,
Even the laundryman if that makes you jealous,
Because oh boy,
The thought of you wanting me,
Feeds my emotions like no other.

I would say no when you ask me to marry you,
I’ll promptly walk away like I don’t owe you a single explanation,
Because that’s when you chase me,
Like I’m the baton to your race,
Because that’s when you grab me by my waist,
And my curves would finally make sense,
Because they’ll lock with your hands,
Because that’s when you kiss me,
And we merge,
We become one.

Doors shutting,
Shutters slamming,
How unfortunate it wasn't the wind howling, But my parents fueding.

My childhood was exceptionally fun,
As I lived it like a dreaded bunny,
HIDING.

Was I a coward for doing so?
Hiding behind the walls as if they were barriers of the warzone?
Pummelling and battering just like the movies, I was lucky to witness it live,
Wasn't I?

Call the police,
Ring the deparment,
Run away,
Those weren't the only things my friends and acquiantances has enjoined,
But had I done any of it?
No,
Do I regret my decision?
No.

It took my  parents long enough to realise,
They can mend a broken glass over and over again,
But,
It will never look the same.

It took my my parents long enough,
To realise,
Their marriage was just sword blades,
Holding them firmly for the sake of the kids, Weren't doing anyone any good.

It took  my parents long enough,
To get a divorce.

Stop them,
Beg them,
Demand them,
To not let go of each other,
Those weren't the only things my friends and acquaintances has enjoined,
But had I done any of it?
No,
Do I regret my decision?
No.

"If you could get another chance to do something over again from your past what would it be?"
My question is,
Why would I change anything?
WHY?

Today,
When I look at a married couple disputing,
I can see the effort and sacrifices made to save their marriage from sinking like Titanic,
The only difference is Rose and Jack still loved each other,
Unlike that marrried couple.

Today,
When I look at a child from a broken family,
I too can feel those needles piercing through their hearts,
Slowly and death-dealing.

Today,
I am passionate about helping millions of children,
That sail on the same boat.

So,
Do i wish to alter anything the past has offered me?
NO.

Stop screaming,
Stop screaming your name in my ears,
Stop repeating those lovely hopeful things you said in my head,
The things  you said that obviously didn’t mean a single thing to you.

Just leave,
You’re 3092358992633 km away,
But you’re always hovering,
You’re dead to me but so alive in mind,
Or,
Or at least- in my heart.

I try to move on,
I meet this bloke,
This tall handsome smart yet humble gentleman,
But the thing is,
He doesn’t scream,
He doesn’t hover,
He doesn’t love,
Or at least he doesn’t love like you do.

I love you,
But you left,
Now I’m just one of those you’ve loved,
But here I am,
Yielding to every single part of you,
Burning my soul,
Just to say this,
I still love you
I will,
Forever.

Do you know how it feels to have a father but not have one the same time?
I do.

I seek love,
I am desperate to be loved,
Seeing other girls be their father’s pet, honey and what not,
And here I am trying to recall what my father used to even call me.

When I reminisce all the little time I had with him,
I can only form vivid thoughts of my parents clouting,
But not even a vague image of a father’s - good night kiss,
That I start to question myself,
Did I even get one?

So I look forward to my future,
Hope someone,
Anyone would gift me what I’ve lost.

Hence,
I’m sorry,
I’m sorry if I ask for good night kisses,
I’m sorry if I ask for attention,
I’m sorry if I beg for love- to be loved,
But boy,
I won’t be sorry for loving you hard.

I say I’m abused,
And someone glares at me like I’m deranged,
I say I’m abused,
And someone tries to look for my scars,
I say I’m abused,
But no one looks me right into my dolor eyes and suppresses the river that’s trying to break through.

They come and go,
But some are rather unique,
Some come -leave haunting images and then go,
But they all have something in common,
They all come,
But, they never stay.

When someone searches for my scars,
With my clothes,
Or without,
With love,
Or without,
I just want those two prying eyes to search deeper,
Search in me,
Not just search places on me that they can fit.  

My form of abuse is internal,
My form of abuse does involve blood,
But of my spurting veins,
My form of abuse does involve tears,
But of my crying heart,
My form of abuse does involve scars,
But of my damaged soul.

So now I tell you,
If there’s anything you’re looking for every night,
The quest you’re never tired of,
It’s not all over me,
It’s hidden deep within me.