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jinx May 2021
i felt like ****
so i stopped into speedway to cash out and buy bang
and i still felt like **** so i bought $40 vitamins
and the label promised they’d solve all my problems,
but they couldn’t even fix my skin
every time i get paid? i spend it
every last ******* cent goes to retail therapy- the only therapy i cant afford but indulge in anyway
maybe i should’ve listened to my psych
maybe i shouldn’t lie at every meeting
maybe i- maybe i- maybe i
should have let them put me away
it doesn’t matter
i push it, shove it, cry it down
“It Doesn’t ******* Matter”
i chant it to myself like a prayer, a last message to god before i drag myself down to hell
on my bruised knees i sit
not talking to the lord,
just ******* ****
jinx Jun 2020
high on love
and stable
for the first time
i think that i’m able,
even capable,
of living out a future worth living.
jinx Apr 2020
bitter much?
yeah i’m bitter

never gonna be one of the group
one of the guys
we don’t share friends
we only share lies

what the **** is my problem?
its you
its true

you lie to me
cover it up
i’m too far ahead
watch you clean it up

i pretend that i don’t
exhausted, overwhelmed
the kind of pain in my chest that i can’t scream out

i wake up and
everything hurts
jinx Apr 2020
i am tearing myself apart at the seams
second guessing second guesses
waiting for something else
something other than me
to justify me
and the space i fill
and fill and fill

who am i to say who i am?
what power do i have?
all i do is fall
and rip
and tear
until there’s nothing left for me to
pull and pick at

taking showers in the dark
and skipping breakfast
my ****** knuckles broke the mirror
it was them not me
not me
jinx Oct 2019
nothing lost
nothing gained
no more breaths
no one saved
jinx Sep 2019
i did not let go.
i held on till there was nothing left to hold on to.
i held on even when the string tightened and cracked my bones.
i held on through rope-burn until i had no skin left.
“and was it worth it?
what did you get in return?”
a broken hand.
jinx Aug 2019
if you step back
i’ll run away
won’t wait to see
if you’ll stay
quick kid- till you’re out of breath
leave before you can get left
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