you dont understand
you just dont see
you cant hear
the things that are eating me
they are not just sounds
they add weight to my thoughts
adding pounds and pounds.
voices, ones that aren't my own.
some scream, some cry, some beg.
my pleads and claims are not condoned
some claw, some bleed, some shred up the walls.
i scream, and scream and scream, but no one answers my calls.
my screams are mistaken for insanity.
but what you dont know
is that in my head, there is calamity.
storm, thunder, lightning, rain.
i scratch my skin
until my blood leaves a stain.
mother, mommy, mama, dearest.
im sorry about the red puddle on the white rug.
the sharp shiny silver metal was the nearest.
the voice that screams told me to do it.
and the only way to stop its mental hits,
is to please and do what it says.
tap, tap, tap
it starts so softly.
knock, knock, knock
so soothing it sounds.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
the rhythm is flowing.
BANGBANGBANGKNOCKKNOCKKNOCKCRASHSMASHBURNUPTURNRIPSHREDDEADREDREDRED
but then you remember
its all in your head.
wake up in the night
shivering, sweating, cold, with fright.
oh dear,
are the nightmares already here?
spent all of last may
incarcerated on a hospital floor.
trying to keep the demons at bay.
back in the ward,
dressed in faded lime green suits
we were forcibly pushed toward
the view of recovery.
stuffed with pills,
1 shade of red,
3 shades of blue
1 in the shape of an oval
and a cup of water, which led to remind me of you.
the sun never set, so it seemed.
all we could see was the sun rays and beams.
clouds pranced and skipped and hopped and played.
we were certain everything would have stayed.
but summer was passing, and so was the sun.
our memories of laughter and joy were anything but fun.
i knew you could begin to see the signs.
they were as clear as thick bold lines.
the very first day
when the first voice in my head came to play,
you thought nothing of it
i believed that you and i would never split.
but then more came,
and they decided to stay
you said it felt like i was changing,
but you weren't sure who to blame.
sadly, the guest list didnt stop there.
soon, i felt as if the voices had control
from the tips of my toes to the ends of my hair.
the worse i got,
the more you said you forgot
about our lovely endless days int he sun.
and this is the same day i watched you run.
run, run, quickly, dont stop, just run.
whats done is done,
i think to myself.
sitting on hard plastic chairs,
listening to other people's scares.
listening to them talk
about holding on & fighting.
while i remember how you turned your head and walked.
i want to scream and shout
out of fear and anger.
but my medication takes me on a different route.
on that pathway,
the voices still cloud my thoughts
but at this moment,
i am overwrought
with medication & despair.
i cannot make sudden movements
allowing the rest of the world to be unaware.
the demons, tonight especially,
have come back.
with such a harsh attack.
because the demons, they know that this date
is one i most dreadfully hate.
it is the exact 11 year anniversary
of when you left me.