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Hannah Sep 2019
It was the sway of the tree limbs,
the gentle hum of the wooden swing.
The sun on my face,
the wind in my hair.
The soft stir of the grass,
the smell of the earth.
It was the way my hands folded,
against my soft, bare lap.
And then I knew.
I had finally found the answer,
of what it means to be small.
To be one in so many different organisms and species.
To be only one,
compared to so many.
It was the comfort,
that even though you are so small.
When you stand up,
walk home,
you smile knowing that someone is waiting for you.
Hannah Aug 2019
Dear mother,
I’ve only been a disappointment.
I can’t make you smile or laugh.
There are three other children who love you most.
I’m just the unlucky last.

Dear father,
I lost my relationship to you.
You couldn’t support me through and through.
We argued,
I left for mom.
How do you make it through?

Dear Jon,
Oh Jon.
My one true supporter.
Take care of my mom,
My sisters,
My brother.
I don’t want to hurt you much longer.

Dear Sister,
Dear M.
You were my best friend.
I let you down once more,
I guess here’s to the end?

Dear brother,
You’re 10.
You have so much life to live.
Don’t focus on one thing.
Don’t make my mistake again.

Dear baby,
Dear sis.
You’re only 2 months.
Your infant amnesia
Will make sure I’m gone.

Dear lover,
My love.
I can’t keep on loving you.
It hurts me to say,
I may love you too much.

Dear Best friend.
You’ve hurt me the most.
I know you inside and out.
But you’ve forgotten me.
And I gave you a family.

Dear me,
You won’t do it.
You just want to let go.
Your thoughts and your fears,
Are hard to let go.
Hannah Apr 2019
When I first met her,
She had a smile as bright as the Stars.
Eyes always lighting up.
A mind that would soar.

She loved stories.
About dragons, knights, and queens.
The ones with magic.
The ones with thieves.

So, I’m going to tell you a story.
About how a girl who can die so many times.
About a girl that has lived,
A thousand times.

The first time she died, she was 11 years old.
She moved from one state,
Right out the door.

She was reborn a few months later.
Her love was for the violin.
She cherished her music.
It taught her to swim.

She died when she was 14.
Her dad left her mom.
Kicked out of the house on March 22nd.
She felt she had nowhere to run.

She once again was reborn.
Her violin kept her here.
Her friends and her teachers,
All wiped away her tears.

She died for her third time when she got accepted.
A bittersweet death,
One she didn’t know she could cheer.

This one took a long time for her to be reborn.
The school of music was what she wanted.
But she also wanted more.

She was reborn when her mom pulled her out.
And felt the hug of her friends a few days later.
To see the smile on their faces.
To hear that they missed her.

She died on her first heartbreak.

But she was reborn because she had loving friends.

She died when someone betrayed her.

But she was reborn when she promised “Never again.”

But what I never understood, was her death on September 1st of 2018.

That was the day that changed her.
The day she told me she would never die again.
That no one could steal her heart.
That no one would ever break in.
She told me that she was herself.
That his lies wouldn’t break her.
I saw her build a wall on her own.
I saw her start to pretend.

A few days later she died again.
But this time because of her sister.
Suicide watch was on the run.
She thought no one would understand.

To be not a burden,
She shut herself in.
She closed all her doors.
She started to pretend.

She was reborn when she started to heal.
She realized her worth,
She knew not to kneel.
She was her own,
No one could take her.
No one could stop her.
She was her maker.
Hannah Dec 2018
Today I had the realization,
That I used to never dress for myself.
And funny enough,
I realized this,
While I was buying bras and *******.

I asked myself:
“I now bought these but who will see them? And will they love them? Will I be looked at like I’m ****? Will I be beautiful?”
As I asked myself these questions I realized I never bought for myself.

But I bought them anyways.
I bought them because I’ll look at them. I’ll dress in the bras and ******* and find myself ****.
I’ll find myself beautiful.
I’ll get in them and look at myself in the mirror without fear that the person I’m with won’t love them.
Because I’ll love myself.

This is the realization I waited for.
I’m not waiting for love.
And I never realized that every time I bought things I never bought for me.
I bought to be validated by my partner.
But I don’t need that.

I’m my own validation.
I love how I look.
I have a small chest and ****.
Yet I don’t have to make sure the person I’m with will love them. No. I’ll make sure I love the way I look.

I always believed personality was better than looks yet there I was buying for my partner. And I don’t need that.

I’m buying for me. And I’m buying for self love.
Hannah Oct 2018
I don’t want to keep living without you.
You told me to wait.
I’m doing my best.

Everyday I’m dying without you.
It’s hard to breathe.
It’s hard to rest.

Every time I see you smile,
I wonder if you miss me.
Or if I was only a burden.

I don’t want to keep living without you.
We were one.
We were us.

I never wanted to lose you,
Now I don’t want to live without you.
You made me smile.

I don’t want to keep living without you.
Not one more second.
Please come back.

I scream and I cry and I pray all night.
The moment you come back.
The moment normal will be back.

It’s harder and harder and harder everyday.
Why leave me in this place in hell?

I lost you.
I lost more.
The most I need is for you to say everything will be okay.
Hannah Sep 2018
I'll wait my entire life for you,
despite the tears and pain.
The constant dreams about that day,
I've told you,
you are my one.

I don't know why it happened.
We had our life planned out for so long.
You felt as though you didn't deserve me,
but dear,
you're my only love.

You say you will come back to me.
Once you've had time for school and you.
To make yourself so much better,
to make our relationship so much more true.

My one, my love, my only.
Waiting is such the hardest thing to do.
But for you I'd do anything.

You say you don't know when you'll be back.
But that you love and miss me.
I don't know what brought on that pain.
But if I could take it back I would.

I want to be in your arms again.
To hear your heart against my ear.
I want to fall asleep with you.
And wake up always with you near.

My one, my love, my only.
I hope you come back to me soon.
People say this will make us stronger.
And I sure hope it does.

I don't want to ever lose you.
You say I never did.
But to not have you close like before,
is the most difficult place to exist.

Please come back to me.
Please please will you.
I don't want anyone else.
I only want you.
Hannah Dec 2017
I just wanted to say goodbye
Before you died.
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