An entire bottle in my hands
a couple gulps was the plan
I finished them off easily
ready to go peacefully

In panic I searched for someone to trust
to tell them that death was just lust
as I told you I started to choke
with your slap I suddenly awoke

Palms sweaty and a racing heart
wishing my dream had let me depart
but I suppose that's what friends are for
now I can go on living once more

In my veins I feel fire
left alone with my desires
just a woman who’s crying out
filled with fear and so much doubt

I do not see the world as you do
it feels dark and hard to continue
for my demons follow me
I live my life in agony

I only wish for this world to end
maybe then you could comprehend
what it is I’m going through
and why I wish to discontinue

A bath prepared
steaming hot
candles lit
meditation

Soak for a while
fingers prune
mind eases
relaxation

Time nonexistent
scents of lilacs
muscles unwind
appreciation

Dark and demented
my thoughts circle round
my head swarming
as if a nest thrown on the ground

If only I could catch one
then maybe I could see
why they keep circling
and tormenting me

They dig in deep
never letting go
I feel a demon myself
try not to let it show

So dark and demented
these thoughts have become
they’re getting to my soul
I now feel undone

I look at you
and I feel his touch
sliding up my leg

You build-up to the ceiling
repulsing me with your branches
tangling as you grow stronger

Your bulbs are hot
burning me if I touch
scorching my hands

Your tensil wraps around you
ready to jump at its prey
and strangle it to its death

Your ornaments dangle
ready to fall and break
fragile like my heart

Your angel sitting on top
is a facade of dreams
laughing at me as I have none

I look at you
and I feel his touch
his evilness indeed

Sorrow is always there
like a friendship unwanted
churning in my heart
every beat felt broken

I can feel it’s icy hand
gripping around my chest
making it harder to breathe
will this be my last breath?

Christmas can be a terrible mess
for those of us with daunting memories
yet we have kids of our own
that we have to please

We stuff our feelings down
ignoring the nightmares had
checking things off their list
hoping they will be glad

Come Christmas morning
our mind is in an awful fog
a haze we won’t let our children see
that lasts all day long

Memories of anger or hate
sometimes even children ***
we sit and remember hell
wondering what will happen next

If you’re anything like me
and those memories are you
I hope you can take this Christmas
and build your memories new