I am afraid.
Of you,
Or more realistically,
Your power over me.
I am afraid of intimacy,
Well, I was,
Until you coerced me,
My first kiss,
Stolen from my lips.
The feeling of your fingertips,
Tracing my every curve,
Or lack thereof,
I was but a child you know.
Little by little,
My fears slipped away,
As you held me,
And told me you'd love me,
You'd marry me someday,
That I would always be safe.
Then you grew up.
I was afraid,
And now,
Now I am terrified.

they don't mean a **** thing
it's just words, decisions
made outside of my head
which, interestingly enough, is where the problem is rooted
these "risk factors" i supposedly show
what do they really, honestly signify?
that i'm mental, incompetent, a danger to myself?
words that a man in his fifties can scribble onto a piece of paper
and hand off to another man in his fifties
and it means the same thing across the board
because they apparently know what i'm thinking
how i'm feeling
they can see by the fact that i can't get out of bed most days
that i'm depressed
they know that because i hyperventilate over due dates and social situations
that i have generalized anxiety disorder
they conjecture that because i don't hesitate before crossing the main street on campus
i'm at a very high risk for suicide
i suppose none of these are far-off guesses
but my brain is not a textbook
and my thoughts are not teaching material
i am not a simple headcase!
i will not be simplified and generalized into the little boxes you've charted out
"here's where the depressed kids go"
"bipolar disorder falls here"
"eating disorders go in this corner to the left"
"watch the ones who want to **** themselves closely"
"it'll probably be a big show"
my thoughts, feelings, actions are not so easily categorized
yes, i've taken psychology
i know that freud claimed we're all acting on pent-up ****** rage
i know that skinner put rats in a box and thus proved behaviorism
i know that all of these men, they wrote papers and did experiments on how it's all inside our unconsciousness
my unconscious
i am not so easily uncovered
i refuse to put myself in a tiny box and let someone else dictate what is going on in my head just so he can receive a paycheck
i won't let someone pump xanax and prozac into me like it's nothing
i want to know that i'm not just going through a rough patch
i want to be certain that something is broken before i start fixing it
**** me or repair me
all i know is i won't go down without a fight

i keep having this same dream
like some kind of broken record
with you following me from far away
and me glancing over at your friend next to me
but the whole time i am crying
because i wish you were the one that was still next to me
i always try to hide it from my lover but he looks at me
and he sees
he sees my eyes and he sees my heart and then he runs away
but you don't come running to me
no
you stand there and you wait for your friend to meet you
and then you both walk the other way
it's my current reoccurring nightmare

For my friend Sally Bayan, a reply to "Giggling"
Friends Forever

We are like children making mud pies
The look of love and respect in our eyes
We have smiles on our little faces
As we take our laughter to imaginary places.
Sally, I will be there for you till the end of time
There is a place in my heart and that is fine.
Friends forever, until the ice melts from the caps
Till the seas dry up and the earth cracks.
I will walk those thousands of miles
To see you and your lovely smiles.
Or wave to you as you fly over
Our gracious white cliffs of Dover.
Every leaf, every twig, branch of the tree
Every ripple, every wave and crash of the sea.
Every cloud, each sunset and sunrise
We have it, we can claim our prize.
Till we find a way to fill in those gaps
Till the coffee runs out and the sugar snaps.
Till the day and evening and ever after
I will be here for you, your smiles and your laughter.