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I would have poured gasoline on myself and asked for your lighter while you lit your cigarette just to prove how much I loved you and it still wouldn’t have phased you as much as the nicotine would // now I laugh while you light your cigarette and when you ask me why I just tell you sunshine burns bright enough just fine without you anyway
so long, sucker
i miss you softly, like the way you used to gently touch me with hesitance hoping that wherever you held onto was the right place, the way you used to breathe into my ear for affirmation, the way you used to want to hold my hand despite it being as cold as the winters i had to weather after getting my heart broken

i miss you tenderly, like the way i held on to you after i realised i could really learn to love you, like the way we held hands and fell asleep that last night because young love and new love and gentle love doesn't know just *******, it knows feelings

i miss you eagerly, like the way i waited for you to message for two and a half weeks telling me something was off, like the way your message sunk into my chest when you told me we had to talk

i miss you the way i missed myself when i was with him, the way i constantly searched for a me behind the bars of a relationship that only knew how to push me farther into the cell

i miss you / i miss you / i miss you
**** happens
he tasted like all the memories of us that would never go away, etched in the crevices of every cavity and every bleeding gum, memories you crave the way you want candy or that chocolate bar, memories working their way to the nerve so they can hit you and leave you numb
don’t leave bits of your heart in the ones who find the blood you spill intriguing, don’t jump into them as if they’re the bottom of the cliff you’ve always wanted to jump off of, don’t hold on to them the way you wish you’d been held through the darkest parts of your depression, don’t let muscle memory remember places they call home, don’t don’t don’t let yourself drown in more disappointment
Sigh
and just like that day turned to night / and just like that my problems came to light
Sigh
it might've been the cobbled stones that you saw that reminded you of me, or the way that she stood next to you, a proud 5'2 like me, or the way the bag full of your clothes that you'd left at my place smelled like me thanks to the perfume i sprayed in the bag, my attempt at forget-me-nots, sense of smell fading slower than our history together

it might've been the way he looked at me first that made me forget about you, five months deep in the end of our relationship still agonising about whether you were okay, whether depression ****** you into her grasp once again, whether you'd managed to get out of it alive this time, might've been the way i started travelling to learn instead of travelling to see you that helped me realise even if you weren't at the end of every flight or every train it would be okay

it's amazing how we went in opposite circles and still ended up at the bottom of it together, amazing how despite all of our history we still play it off like it was nothing, amazing how you keep throwing a ball that i keep having to not catch because my muscle memory has forgotten how to play games with you

i'll slowly tiptoe into your mind, my voice will crawl back into your ear, slither down your throat, escape from your lips, get down to your stomach, release the whole ******* zoo, stampede into your veins, supercharge your heart with 100 horse power and cause you to keep running back to me the way i knew you would

and the best part? i finally have the power to watch you do what i did so long ago, finally have the power to have someone else tiptoe through my mind and build a home there, finally have the power to stop your voice from entering my mind because i've finally stopped saying it
it feels good
being with him may have felt like an eternity but i promise you it was only a year and a half and in comparison to your 21 years on this earth, that's just a small drop in your ocean
2. you are every single sunrise and sunset anyone will ever need. you are enough.
3. stop trying to fit into a perfect circle image of what you think women should be, gender is fluid and at the end of the day nobody gives a **** about whether you have a nose piercing or not - stop trying to please him, he is out of your life.
4. don't deny yourself love when it comes running to you at 100 mph, don't sit in your chair and convince yourself you don't deserve to be happy because lonely is where you are comfortable
5. you deserve to be happy. you deserve to be happy. you deserve to be happy.
6. know that eiffel towers might not be enough to completely block out old memories but they'll be enough to make you forget about the pain you felt for months after he broke your heart and didn't give enough ***** to fix it again
7. honey, sugar isn't only in your coffee, it's in your blood - you are everything sweet in this world, please don't let a little rain melt it all away
8. nobody can promise you what tomorrow will bring but i can promise you that today will matter only on you, so go out there and go for that walk and eat that cake and ignore him and block them until you feel ready to face them again
9. don't let yourself soak up your depression, even flowers can drown from too much rain
10. remember you're only human, it's okay to make mistakes; but do not actively tell yourself mistakes are in your muscle memory - this is not true

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you will be okay, it will be okay.
a reminder
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