This year I've learned that memories can play on repeat like a broken record, even memories you wish never happened when you're all alone in the dark and you cannot stop thinking about them

And I also have learned that I sometimes wish I had selective memory to wipe some of those moments away; out of sight, out of mind.

But I don't get that option, and so I'm stuck here with the dark only to comfort my tears and as I'm left crawling in this empty space all I can think about is how I cannot be too loud because they might hear me and how can I explain myself when it's midnight and all I can think about is a moment that happened over two months ago?

Your touch still burns through my skin
and I can feel it every day and your words still attack the neurons in my brain and send the message of comfort whenever I feel terrible and your ghost still stays in my eyes whenever I turn around thinking I saw you and I notice you aren't there  

it's getting harder and harder to pretend that everything is okay because I don't feel okay and I know we aren't okay even though "we" never actually existed

it's scary to accept that you no longer care

I think I'm finally ready to shed off my old skin

I think I'm ready to remove the bruises from my heart and the scars in my mind from the memories that were tattooed there almost permanently

I think I can finally look at a warm day and smile, because I don't have to see you every day

And I don't have to see any of my mistakes anymore, for they all have gone

I am ready to open my heart and marry the pavement outside my door, kissed by the lips of the sun that didn't shine during our harsh winter

I am ready to dedicate myself to a single airplane and fly far away from here, to divorce old feelings and date new ones

I am ready to stop sulking over any of them, because they do not sulk over me, and I'll be ****** if I let them ruin my summer.

My worth is not measured by my standardized test score number. My worth is not measured by the amount of AP classes I am taking. My worth is not measured by my GPA. My intelligence cannot be measured by how many pages of a review book I can do and get a 36 on the ACT, a 5 on the AP exam, an A in the class.

I am so much more than these numbers. I am so much more than a transcript.

Perhaps the worst part about making a decision is that you cannot anticipate how you're going to feel the next day.

And perhaps the worst way to feel is to feel remorse, to feel like you are mourning the death of sometbing you could have prevented.

This is an open apology to all of those people that do not know what to do anymore but have problems keep reoccurring in their lives.

This is an open apology to a boy who all I've ever done is hurt, because even though he's hurt me he's been here for me. I cannot say the same.

This is an open apology on behalf of my defence mechanism, I'm sorry my walls keep going up and I always want to end things with a bang. I'm sorry when I'm mad I ignore you. I'm not a perfect human being.

This is an open apology for the tears I have shed for you and in front of you. You shouldn't have to deal with that; no one should. I should've kept to myself and I didn't and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the pain and confusion I've caused you. I'm sorry I ****** up. And I'm sorry that I can't control how I feel and I can't turn my heart off. Because it's times like these I really wish I could.

i want to tear off my skin


i'm stuck in the pendulum of a world
that's purgatory for moments where i feel
numb and moments where i feel
like completely losing my **** and breaking
down into sobs

i don't know what to do with myself anymore

i don't think i've ever known what to do with myself

it's so truly amazing that the moments that you love and the moments that you hate
simply go away in a lapse of time and become the scars in your heart that
seem to define you