you were my safety

your whirlpool eyes
forever pulling me
back in

your ******* always wet
with my tears

your hands always
in my hair
twirling braids and
pinning barrettes

you arms always
draped around my
shoulders,
absorbing all the hurt.
my only solace
in a lifetime of darkness,
the only one
i'd allow my heart to love
in all it's fragileness,
the body that birthed me

it is only fitting
that you would be
the final break before
the shatter

know me
as i am

a speck of dust
living for afternoon
sunbeams, a
windbroken nameless
beneath a starry
collective,
the moonlight
always dancing
over me.

see me
as i am

deadly resilience
juxtaposed with
utter grace

on my best days
i am a flame that
won't burn out

and on my worst days
at least i am still
a light

i am something small.

something you wrapped
in old newspaper articles,
packed away in
a cardboard box,
and left behind to
gather dust in storage,
only a few blocks from
your home.

something you
don't necessarily want
to part with, but
don't exactly have room for,
either.

something you kept
trapped here
for far too long.

no more dusty cellars
no more clammy palms
no more peeling wallpaper
no more stained ceiling tiles to count and pass the time

no more little red lights to perform for

no more blood to wash away
no more bruises to hide

no more you.
no more us.
no more them.

          when i wake up the sun pools over my nakedness,
          and i know
          this body, this soul, this story
          is my own.

                                         i write
                                         i sing
                                         i dance
                                         i clean
                        
                                                              i enjoy my time alone.



the chains have broken
rusted out
the years melt with the snow
the porcelain doll is shattered
the child is grown.

i am a hurricane
with a heartbeat

i love and
i take and
i care and
i feel
with such a
recklessness
it will leave
you gasping
for air.

you will spend
years and years
peeling back
my layers, and
by the time you
think you
know me, you will
have forgotten
your own
name

through thoughts
of death
i heard
god speak

she said
"are you sure
you want this
to be the last
beautiful sunset
you ever see?"

through tears i saw
pink and orange hues
colliding, tesselating
becoming one.

through tears,
she spoke softly,
"every night
we paint the sky
for you, the least
you could do
is look up
once in a while."

these means of survival
with you
are means of
fruition

what was once
a battle cry
is now
a song and dance.

my heart is buoyant
in my chest

you look in my eyes
smile calmly
gently

you hold my hands
tight enough so that
i don't disappear again,
tight enough to remind me
i am safe here.

your head between my thighs
you **** the poison from
the wound

little by little
i feel whole again.

i am
yours entirely.

i have already been burned
by the worst fire that will ever
roll into my life
i am still choking
on the smoke
dizzy from the
fumes, scarred from
the chaos of it all.

you will watch me rise
from the ashes
and i will look back
at the flames that once
destroyed me,
and i will thank them
for allowing me to be
reborn-

for birth is a passage
on this journey
that most only
experience once

and because of you
i was fortunate enough
to experience it twice

i feel like
a house fly

stuck between
a window pane
and freedom

void of depth
void of purpose

existing solely
to float from
one source of light
to the next.

i feel trapped, here.

i want to be small, nurtured, held. spoonfed and sung lullabies. a hundred baby kisses on my hands and feet. cradled and rocked. protected. safe, when my thumb rests in your palm. i want to be your little girl- soft and new porcelain skin- untouched, entrusting in your touch. a fresh start. rebirth. maybe we can do it right this time.

you are so warm. crystal blue eyes like gems reflecting light. you are everything i've ever craved. the love i've never recieved yet always observed. i love how you cook me dinner. i love how you watch tv with me. i love how you rub my back and pet my hair when i'm sleepy. i love how you think of me. i love how you play games with me. i want to build a treehouse with you and live there forever.

twelve years a prisoner
from one hand to another
i'm not yours anymore
or hers
or his
nothing left of you but
the burnholes in my skin
nothing left of me but
aging memories
the wounds to stitch
the child within

do you think i don't remember? that i don't still feel the cold metal gun pressed into my skin? that i don't sometimes reenact every scenerio, pretending that i am the one pulling the trigger? i still pull my hair back and powder my cheeks with blush, pull my stockings up past my knees and look in the mirror with doll eyes- the false innocence- so easy to play. an actress i am, always have been.

i wish i had killed you.

you beat me to it, your secrets two steps away from exposure.

they scraped your brains off the parking lot, power washed every memory you had of me.

your last breath was my first sigh of relief.

i.
how do i exist in this skin that your fingertips dug and burned holes in
i shrink away until my ribs poke through
i wish i didn't take up any space at all.

ii.
you stole the sacredness away
stole the air out of my lungs
stole the song off my breath
stole the saltiness of my tears
stole the words from my poetry

iii.
i carry it all
this solemness
this death
this body
this broken home

it is november again.
clarity and reason fade into the quiet snowfall.
the feeling is comforting and familiar-
i remember you.

i forgot that i loved you.

june july august is a hug
delicious food and laughter
wine, sitting by a fire,
***, sweet love, warmth.

november stings like tears
like release
like *******
like poetry
like art

i am ready, i fall into you

i am free
bottomless as the sea

i used to think
there was nothing
quite as poetic as
a wound

did i forget how gentle
the soil feels?
how powerful the
crashing waves,
how quietly a flower
blooms?

the lullaby of crickets
the warm nights that come in june
and that once in a lifetime
the sun eclipses the moon

i arrive enigmatic,
i carry confusion to
the sane mind,
i carry truth, cut the
curtains, for just a moment
freeze time.

i leave quick.
i leave fingerprint stains
on darkness
i leave bloodstains on
broken paradigms.
i leave lipstick stains
on broken hearts,
and i leave all the same.

i seek within,
find comfort in
the aesthetics of
solitude
sights and sounds
as fresh as rain.

i watch long shadows of
telephone lines,
bending trees
highway signs
blurred and blending
as if one

a landscape of freedom,
the freedom of emptiness,
the unknown.
what is done, is done.
nothing to lose,
no such thing as home.

in your eyes
a reflection of me,
as if you froze time and
reversed it.

same gifts, same wounds
half blessed and half cursed.
of course it's beautiful,
of course it hurts.

i never met you for the first time,
i just wondered where you'd been

can you unfreeze time,
shrivel up space,
and find me in the end?

god-
if you are my heavenly father,
then it is only fitting you would mirror
my earthly father
it is only fitting you too, would fail to protect me.

god-
24 years is a long time to keep the faith
to hold hope that you'll come through this time
to crave and go without your love

god-
is it true that you created us in your image?
do you cut your wrists, too?
do you write poetry?
do you see sound?
do you, too, feel like an ocean?

god-
did you create me just to destroy me?
were you, too, asleep on the couch?

where were you
when i was in that basement
counting ceiling tiles?

god, i begged for you.
much like my earthly father,
you missed what was
right in front of you.

god, i loved you.

here, 26, and by the sea
where my body finds
the first rest it has
ever known

i close my eyes
i go back in time
i travel into the mountains to
find her

myself, a small child,
braided hair and shellshocked

i ask her if she wants to
catch fireflies in a mason jar,
she does so with splendor.

i ask her if she has ever seen the ocean
i ask her if she wants to come with me
i ask her, softly, if she wants to leave

we drive to the coast
she picks the music
she delights in the journey

i arrive and save her
just in time,
that she may never know
the taste of blood.

on her lap, her jar of fireflies,
a little light to
guide us home.

static on the television
reminscent of an empty mind
flat lines and falling snow

today i'll sleep away the sun
tell you that i'm doing fine, and
at night go where the wind blows

no sense of direction, no guiding star
no compass to show the way home

i need divine intervention
i've gone too far
it doesn't matter
i don't know

in the pool of your mind
in the calm of your wave
i sink forever
just us together
floating through tide,
not a soul to save
held in your palm,
the moon pulls us closer
to an early grave

<b>C</b>radled by night time, stars sharp as syringes
<b>A</b>ngels mingle with demons, shed their wings one by one
<b>N</b>obody cries, no one calls home, no home to call, nowhere to run

<b>I</b> survive into the morning, the sun sets, they say a girl is a gun.

<b>B</b>reaking bread, breaking bones and hearts
<b>U</b>nder the bridge, the train cars pass
<b>M</b>arried to the game, till death do us part.

<b>A</b> quiet pain, the kind that doesn't bleed, but leaves a  scar.

<b>C</b>an you promise me you'll think of me when the ugly turns to art?
<b>I</b> bargain with God, I'll change, just let me make it another night
<b>G</b>otta get myself together, gotta get myself right
<b>A</b>Anchored in pure darkness, I can still remember daylight
<b>R</b>egrets don't care the weather, and clouds won't disperse
<b>E</b>levating myself, come back down feeling worse
<b>T</b>raffic passes overhead, together we dig graves, the truth lurks
<b>T</b>his was fun while it lasted
<b>"E</b>verything was beautiful, and nothing hurt."

under the bridge
smoking used cigarette butts
where loveless ones lay to
count their dying daydreams,
throwing rocks and rubble at
the railroad tracks.
i remember me,
i remember what is was like,
i remember how warm the warmth,
how sharp the night
that bleeds away through
forties and fortitude,
that cuts through armor like a knife.

you look like me.
trapped in the
timeless, endless dichotomy,
us vs. them
ready to steal, ****, fight.
i see my reflection
in your broken glasses,
my shadow in your eyes.
same age as i was, and
you're under the bridge, too,
and i'd be the last to eat if
it was me vs. you

i understand, and still
i love you.

i love you, and
i realize
that i was worth loving
because i do.