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Ten minutes ago I cried
wracking, heaving, red-faced,
closed eyes, no-sound sobs behind
my hamper in the corner, craving him

even though he sleeps uncomfortably
4,000 miles away 6 hours
into my future, hostel walls akin to
secrets within--

twenty one pilots blaring
in the space behind my face
and above my throat, unsettling
the anonymity of my lifestyle, indebted,
growing thinner than my frame as
we both fall to the circumstance of youth

chanting the war cry in pub crawls
and hub drawls where his best friend
sits across from the smug smoke in
between cherry lips,
our kissing knees
begging me
to repeat
history--

in an unadulerated, first-time
draft ripped open and stretched
for my next big "portfolio"
that's worth more burning by my own
hand as I run blistering (drunk) through
a hallway which will never be mine like

the bills-rent-direct-deposit rinse repeat
cycle spinning my eyes into glazed over
acceptance of my lot.

But he still sleeps out of reach
while I'm too paralyzed behind this
******* hamper.
this made a lot of sense in my head, I swear.
We ate chicken sandwiches, mine
no bun, at a table with an 80's
geometric design on top of two silver
metal legs with our legs
intertwined. I tried
to draw a comic on the wrapper,
but you kept making me laugh
by reenacting the conversation
we had with the lady at the register
who gave us the wrong change,
but using a baby's voice instead.
The boy mopping the floors wished
desperately that we would leave, but
you looked so cute with ketchup
on your lip and I really, really
didn't want you to drop me off.
There was an Adele song
on the radio that we've heard for the second
time, but you sound more like
a forgotten track to a John Hughes film--
a little heavy, a little messed up, a whammy
bar progression with blonde hair
who wore jeans and had a really cool car.
I'd like to kiss you like Molly Ringwald
does Judd Nelson in that movie
we talked the whole way through as it played
on Netflix. I'd like to wear you
like a bad haircut; something no one else
understands but I pull off effortlessly.
You feel effortless to me. So refill
my take-out cup with five different sodas,
make a scene as we leave the restaurant,
my hand laced up in yours, and let me drink
you in as I pretend we aren't driving
back home just yet.
We killed the lights and found
the way to each other’s lips like magnets
who had been denied their center of gravity
for awhile. You stripped me down,
measured my sweet spots out in sugar spoons,
and savored me like a treat you hadn’t had
since you were a kid, all the nostalgia
landing on your tongue as you molded me
with your hands. My ribs pushed back then pulled
again, like bread, underneath the covers.
You whispered my name like a song
you can’t let yourself forget the words to.
I followed the map of your neck with my kisses,
retracing my steps as we danced in my bed
to the familiar sound of a tiny fan
and the TV turned down low, the light
making shadows on your cheeks as the screen
changed, my eyes dodging them just to capture
a clearer image of the face I dreamed
and dreamed of again. You know my body

like a monologue, writing me all the way through,
smiling at your favorite parts, and every time
I fall into this routine I hope that maybe
this ending is different, maybe you’ve decided
to rewrite the last page. Maybe I won’t have to look back
at our sour memories, maybe this time
we will leave the bookmark in the same spot
and kiss each other through all those times we said
it had been too long.
Baby, you're not sugar
Your middle name should be Stevia,
Three hundred times sweeter than Sugar
But i'm going to pretend like you're far more than that.
 Oct 2015 Sean Hastings
Sara Leal
"Humans can't survive alone"
I listened to that words.
I feel the pain of knowing that it's true.
I feel everything,
I would like not to.
I would like to lose feelings.
I would like to not be alive.
"I like to be alone"
"It's better to be alone"
I repeat,
Again and again in my head,
As I feel lonely,
Isolated.
"I don't need anyone"
"I can do things on my own"
I scream once again.
I tremble.
I try to calm myself.
"Calm down, everything it's going to be okay"
"It's better this way"
I talk to myself.
I embrace myself.
I can't breath.
I can't stop crying.
"Stop being stupid"
"You can do this"
These are the voices in my head.
Or it's my conscience talking to me?
I lost my reason.
I don't know anymore.
They talk,
I scream.
"I want to be alone"
English version
There's this boy,
he's such a lively soul
with opinions that could last a lifetime.
He's outspoken
and almost unusually hyper.
His dad killed himself a few weeks ago
but he says he's not sad.
he's disappointed
I wanna say ***** you,
to his dad,
but I will give him his peace
because my frined,
the boy,
is coming to terms with his.
He writes too,
short stories.
His voice is like a river,
no matter how much he has to say
or how much emotion goes into it
he has the damage control to keep it from flooding.
It's like he has a dam on his feelings.
That makes me sad though,
because he's so smart.
He has this theory,
this thing he always says.
" Time is but a concept,
a belief that everything moves forward"
but everytime i talk to him nothing moves.
Not because of what anyone would think
but because he doesn't want me
to tread carefully.
Not on any topics.
I think he needs me
not to go gentle
or step around topics.
His comfort is blunt honesty
and I am both in awe and
I guess confusion by this.
To the boy
who makes me speechless
almost everyday.
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