I feel empty today, drained like an orange of my juice, my essence. my zest for life, deflated. There is nothing else left of me to give, I have given you all that I once was, so much so I don’t have any left of me to familiarize myself with. I do not know, who I am anymore, I have lost my identity completely in you. I am lost in the same place I was where I found you initially. 17 and alone against the world again trying to fight my way through it.
I feel numb. Like a Familiar friend that I use to welcome in, I now despise, reminiscing with. Sometimes my apathy tastes like pennies on my tongue, I can taste that I am bleeding inside, but my first instinct is to push away the ache, to not feel.
It doesn’t make sense really, because I know I have been fatally wounded and there is no coming back from this but I show everyone else my smile filled with sunbeams as the pain stirs quietly in my chest
I sew my mouth shut and grit my teeth through it.
It’s a different type of ache, us. more specific.
It’s sounds cliche’ and maybe I sound a little naive but I was
I never thought in a hundred lifetimes that our love would feel like this, that we could drift away from each other so ******* far while we’re right next to one another, while I can feel the warmth of your skin next to mine. I always imagined somehow it would be easier, saying goodbye.
More comforting, more hospitable, like saying goodbye to an old friend you know you’re gonna see again, maybe like a limbo  you could hang in while the pain passes, but this pain does not lament.
Because I tried to stop myself from falling completely in with you more than hundred times but somehow I still did. **** this stupid ******* heart of mine, giving itself away for free. I refused to let anyone in before you knocked at my door, i was content being alone and I enjoyed my own company, i was some sort of twisted, happy, I didn’t fall for anyone’s ****** sales pitch, promising me the world. People were just visitors that I allowed in or didn’t.
But I looked at you and I felt myself  
I saw how your eyes met mine, the pain that hides in the words you don’t say, and echos in your silence
I felt you so completely it scared me and I tried to run away from it, more times then I can count.
I should have ran. I should have listened
Because somewhere inside of me from the start I always knew it wasn’t going to go the stretch of forever. I doubted your words and your commitments.
It’s just funny
Cause
My gut feeling always told me the same thing  
my ability to overthink and always imagine the worst possible outcome was true, those thoughts were always there.
But I ignored them, I ignored it all for you.
Now I get to deal with the guilt of us and of not trusting myself
Now I get to deal with how pathetic I feel for showing all my vulnerability  to someone who didn’t handle the fragile parts of my heart with careful hands
Now I get to painstakingly break myself apart into shards and put myself back together in a new image
So I can be stronger and better then I was before
That part I am embracing
But I promise you this as I am closing this chapter of my life, and saying goodbye to this version of me that I will never let exist again. Never again will I allow someone to make me feel how I let you make me feel
Never again will I give someone so much control over me and my stupid ******* heart
Never again.

i have never traveled farther then where i lose myself in your eyes, tears of happiness rolling down my cheeks as i realize
there is no better place then right here, no more love in the world then the hot summer air that hangs between us
and you know,
who needs a plane ticket anyways, or those crazy friday nights
you are my one and only destination.
there is no better sight then your little blonde silhouette crumpled into a twin mattress, no greater joy inside of my heart then hearing you call for me in the morning and give me a warm hug.
anyone who ever said i ruined my life by having you early, was so very wrong.
you are the best possible place for me to be, my everyday adventure and my biggest sun ray of happiness..
you are my heart
and i am yours
and
when you are older and can understand what it means to hurt and to struggle i will tell you the stories of how i built this life for us
me and you
and when you hold me at night a little closer because you are afraid of the dark i will tell you there is nothing to fear
and when you tell me you love me
as you drift off to sleep
i will 
stroke your head softly with a smile
and tell you
forever,


i love you more
            .

alone
sitting on my little edge
of the world
quietly
listening
waiting
for someone to see me
to feel my very specific type of ache
to see my words for what they are
to feel the weight of them
to kiss me in all the right places
and say all the right things in the darkness of the night.
I cry out in absolute silence.
I swallow my loneliness.
throw my sadness in a burlap sack weighed down with rocks to toss into the river
    
  
no one will ever know the difference .

I think part of me has excepted that I will be alone for awhile
And it's a heavy feeling
An isolating one, but I know somewhere deep down inside my damaged heart that I deserve happiness and I'm not finding it here
I don't feel love anymore
Just distance
Resistance like a rubber band
You pull it back far enough and it just hurts you in the end
.

kiss me soft. kiss me soft like midnight rain.
barely there
absent most of the time
actually
hardly there in the head
in your head
only in your head
could you exist perfectly
everywhere else you're a mess
let's face the facts the line ends exactly where it started
everything is just simply a beginning and an end

fix my mind
make me a happy child with a wildflower soul
fasten a sunflower mane around the nape of my neck with a safety pin
safe, keep me safe in the dark hours of the night
hold me while i cry out to yesterday
as i remember all the times that slipped through my fingers

break my spine in two, make music for us to dance to by the fire
and i will tell you the whispers of the world  

hold me where your heart is, show me the way, into you.

my anger will not stop me from being a good person
everyday I wake up with a full heart and a list of good expectations
I don't know how often I have to stress this, but people grow.
you will not be the same person you were yesterday, tomorrow, or the same person you were last week, and its okay if not everyone understands that.
those people who knew you, once knew you but you are not defined by your mistakes or shortcomings
your objective on this planet is to grow, become a better person who makes better choices and not everyone will see that or choose to make better choices for themselves but it is your and only your responsibility to not lose sight of your purpose.
Be kind to others, we are all on a journey that no one knows anything about, no one of us is better then the other.
Fragility is not a weakness it is a different kind of strength
Knowing that things in life will and do hurt and embracing it at a healthy distance is a very real part of growth and acceptance of your small role in this world, compared to the greater scheme of things. I tire of our societies definition of strength and everyone's apathy towards people who are struggling. Working a nine to five like a robot does not make you strong, enduring the pain of life and letting it change or emotionallymcripple you will not make you the strongest person in the room either. It's the stuff no one ever talks about, If you want to know real strength not the kind everyone pretends they know everything about try Embracing your natural sensitive and empathic nature you will learn it is not a crutch like everyone wants you to beileve it is a different kind of awareness of the world it helps you challenge yourself and only in turn grow stronger.  
We are inherently sensitive to our surroundings, and when we are watered with happiness and sensitivity
We blossom into something beautiful.

empty
like a cloud
tears raining down on the people around me
i am numb
like frost bitten hands
piled under snow
alone like bitter midnight winds
with their chilly embrace
hugging you deeply.
i sleep in a pile of leaves. my bones leave their imprint
but no one can tell i was ever there
my heart is the crinkled mess of leaves at the bottom of the pile
if i told you i wanted to die would you believe me
would you be able to forgive my selfishness?

green river
wet thighs
white towels
panic
yellow lines
street signs
cracked pavement
nighttime
City lights
Ambulance siren
hospital lights
dog barks
water drips from the faucet
running out of time
grey leather seats
emergency
wheel chairs and nurses
galking people
wet eyes
hands, shaking
sharp turns
running
down the hall
Barefoot
cold floor
green river
hospital tissue paper
phone calls
too much
can’t breathe
nurses laughing
hands on your shoulder
Happy for you
contractions
three centimeters dilated
nurses talk
Blanket
cold hands
heart beating fast
can’t breathe
Fluorescent lights
Shaking
green river
nurses
where’s babies heart beat
dropping
panic
Cold hands
Creeky bed
Oxygen mask
Can’t breathe
can’t breathe
all fours like a dog
Blue Shower cap
Emergency
Running down the hall
wet eyes
Green river
Florescent lights
hand sanitizer smell
Can’t breathe can’t breathe
cold
hospital room
no blanket
alone
shaking nervous scared
Emergency
heart rate dropping
Galking eyes
cold air
dizzy
Panic
anesthesia
blackness
Fuzzy vision


Where’s my baby
where’s my baby?

men
of many
armies
gather at your toes like fallen leaves
whispers
autumn breeze
tickles the nape of your neck
you giggle
like a frightened child
if only it were so easy
to scratch me right off your back
like a scab
you’re peeling away but needing to keep in place.

i imagine you’ll smell like chamomile
and fall asleep on my chest
I imagine it will be cold
outside
the stars looking in at us
I imagine your little toes
curling in excitement
The coos forming from under your breath
I imagine being happy
laughing like a frightened child for the first time since I was five
I imagine the world being a better place with you in it
full of life and love
so much so that parents don’t need to bubble wrap their children before taking them to school anymore
I imagine a life painted in happiness and adventure for you
I imagine you’re favorite color
your favorite books I’ll read you, you’re favorite song to sing
And on this cold night
snuggled in between my *******
your little body will be my warmth
and I yours
and we will hold each other for the rest of the night,
until the morning comes.
                  
    and when the sunrise creeps in through the curtains
I will hold you for the rest of my life.

you you are a man made of metal
me I am a
carpenter ant
you look at me in disgust
As if I am something less then natural
try to rub my guts into your creaky wood floors
with your muddy combat boots
why do I deserve life any less then you do?
self righteous man, not everything’s about you
not everyone’s made to serve you
we are not ants under your magnified flame
running to your every whim in every direction
we are your children, your mothers, your lovers, your wives
we are the earnest ones, the tender ones that you cover in bruises and black eyes
we are the ones who love you so deeply that we cry when you abuse and neglect us and then go **** your secretary because now that we’ve pushed out two of your kids we’re not “attractive” to you anymore  
why? Cause you can.
cause your a man
and your a Great Dane in a dog eat dog world
let me throw you a bone
while I take it
up the *** in my mouth every place you could imagine
and then you will buckle your pants with a smirk and get in your car
And drive to wherever you call home
because now that your satisfied that’s all that matters
doesn’t matter if you took from someone else
strip away your big boy talk tho and
your just a trembling little chihuahua

out in the rain
just a pup with a bark bigger then your bite
in a world full of empty dog food cans

Street lamps flicker like lightning bugs
low on juice
the light barely makes it out of the thick city smog alive
these blinking lanterns stretch for miles
in different directions
leading to new faces and different places and the taste of home on the tip of my tongue.
there is a whole universe beyond this highway
trees that poke holes in the clouds
And blanket the earth for hundreds of miles
they are hidden behind the fog
of the neon city lights and marketing billboards
with cheeseburgers and casinos and naked women plastered on every street corner
everyone is so distracted by the humdrum buzzing of the city
They swarm like bees to a hive  
Slaves to the machine
They are corralled into a certain way of thinking
so the elite that hide behind the curtain of sustainability and everyone else’s best interest can feed off of the ignorance the rest of us helplessly and unknowingly exude
These people are children, they are your parents maybe, your second cousin, your elderly neighbors who are blinded by there patriotism and there old habits that they can’t see reality transpiring right outside there window
people do not like to feel anything we don’t consider pleasantry
we want to ignore the bad feelings and expect instant gratification for everything we do
Forget about the cold outside and heat our houses
ignore the news because the consequences of our actions are too much to bare
so we blame it on someone else, something else far off in the distance
To distract ourselves from the fear that rattles profusely in our ribcage like a cornered snake
these people
are not educated on how to fight the system
they are taught to distract themselves with the new iPhone X
because the easiest thing to do is run when you’re in a corner into something that is soft, and warm and smells as sweet as your mother
something that absorbs the sharp blow of reality
so you don’t consciously have to.
However
there are a small few that have broken away from this way of thinking
we are told our virtues of minimalism and sustainability are unrealistic
We are labeled dreamers
laughed at
because we don’t dream in Hollywood lights
or corporate cubicles
we are the few that stare longingly into the trees past the city and dream of what’s more
to come then this mundane day to day
dragging our feet.
We are the wind, the momentum to break free
from the cold slab maze of brick wall thinking
that companies and capitalism has brainwashed us into
We must have strength
We must have courage
Even in the darkest of hours for the darkest of people  
to live by our virtues
and stand up for what we believe in
We must have discipline and live by what we say
We must lead by example
We must never stray from our purpose no matter what our parents tell us, no matter if we are told it is unrealistic or things will never work out for us in the end. They will.
We are already being forced against our will into a standardized way of thinking
Subjected to worse social punishment by the majority
it is social suicide to step out of the cultural conformities of the western civilization.
but we must.
the western mindset is a man eats world mentality
one percent of a pie
feeds off of the other 90 percent
economic canibalism
the one percent have bought there way to the top
Sold souls below them to the highest bidder
the other ninety percent of the pie
we will continue
chasing paper
like we’re chasing highs
to determine our self worth
we must break free from this toxic way of thinking
we must put an end to buying our selves clothes we don’t need and expensive foreign cars we don’t even know how to drive
Or else the cycle will continue
We will rack up mile long receipts over things we tell ourselves we need to live comfortably when we don’t
and they will win
If we keep quiet and sit still like we’ve been told to, and grow up the way it’s been modeled for us by the other cookie cutter members of society
that small slice of the pie will win  
and the rest of us
will pay for our tickets
to the end of the world.