don't waste your breath
telling me to get better, talk ***** to me
don't hold your breath
hoping i try to help myself.
if you're going to hold my neck
hold it a lot tighter than that,
don't forget to push down
on my windpipe with your palm,
we're wrapped up in these bedsheets
because i want you to hurt me.
i want to see the rope burn on my wrists glisten
where it's begun to tear away at my flesh
and i like to feel real tangible knots
when i'm ******* in self loathing.
i struggle to find the line between
lovesick and depressed or
being a *******. what's the big difference.
either way i wake up with bruised
blue lips and oxygen deprivation,
and fresh linens wet with singeing liquids,
and a pain in my stomach or lungs that means
i'm still breathing slightly.
i wanted you to **** me.

I hope that when you feel love for yourselves and others that it becomes a driving force, that inspires acts of daily kindness, and courteousness. I want love to be contagious, so that when you smile at someone, or help them out they can't help but smile back and pass it on.
-2010

i swear to god i'm gonna die
in one of these nameless steakhouses
to a backtrack of classical jazz
with my back straight
and my legs crossed
in a pretty dress
and stockings
my hair pulled up tight
(i have a headache- no one cares)
when i get handed a menu,
i barely look
i'm getting the cheapest salad
because that's polite, right?

I can be a better woman.
I can be a better wife.
I can be a better mother.
I can have a better life.

We can pack our bags together
Move somewhere by the sea.
We can say **** the world
Because this is the best we're meant to be.

I'm not a princess darling
You don't ride a white horse.
There's no one coming to save us
You're the hero of course.

So whisper in my ear.
Please tell me one more time.
These broken dreams were never promises
And everything will be fine.

i tell myself im feeling better.
no social media
no outside distractions
just me and my mind.

ive made quite a few changes in these seemingly eternal summer months
ive changed my diet
changed my thinking
my sleep schedule
my hobbies and interests
even my wardrobe.

ive made all these changes
ive gotten out of my head (for the most part)
so if ive made all these changes and if im doing all of these new and better things
why do i still feel so low ?

i feel low not as in sad
no sad is too simple, too cliche, too blase
i feel low as in my heart will start to clench and struggle to beat
my breathing gets shallow
my thoughts are dulled and become sullen and narrow
like im on the verge of a never arriving panic attack

so tell me if im filled with no responsibilities no standards to hold myself to
filled with a sense of freedom and "peace" as many would say
how come if you asked me to today
i still couldnt put my so called peace on a scale of 1 to 10 ?

working with a brain that evolved in caveman days
unable to parse  these urges
coded into my double helix
I find influences of meditation
in choosing passwords
for those ten million e-mail accounts
I created
forgot about
were
broken into
taken my
ssn#
my birthdate
so I got calm
thought about Nirvana
about fantasy and reality
tried to calm the
default Node network
and see clearly
that passwords when evolving were not needed
I got calmer
hmmmmmmmmmm
ing
overcoming delusions
I changed my name
to Evaporate
and my ssn# to none
and my password to
Ou812
****
I am stupid
just told all you's