Aug 2018
Dear Suicide,
*******. I will not forgive you for the havoc you have wrecked on my life, I will no longer hold you like a parent, or lover. You are no longer my Friend, you are not the comforting bed I can sink into when the world is too heavy for my concave chest.
You have always been there, ever since I was born. You were there when I was a few months old and my mother tried to end our lives together so she wouldn't leave me alone. You were there six months later in the ***** hotel room holding my mother's drug filled arms to lift the bottle of pills to the trembling lips calling out for her children, her husband, someone so she wouldn't be alone. You fed her the pills and promised she wasn't alone, she had you after all. Sometimes I wonder if you'd always been there for her too.
I remember you creeping around corners my whole life, I wonder if you cursed my name the nights I'd insist on sleeping in my dad's bed because before I even knew what suicide was I knew your vice like hands held his heart after you crushed my mother's.
After you saw my father wouldn't be the next victim, you wouldn't rip this family apart that way you settled for me. I was 10 when you crept back into our home, you came to me as a fleeting shadow in the corner of my eye when the classmates teased me. Slowly you crept into my tears and the more I cried the more you possessed my mind. In middle school you taught me that you'd give me peace if I let the blood seep, that the deeper the blade dragged into my skin the closer to you I'd be.
Slowly I began to worship you, made alters in my closest out of rope I'd pray to be strong enough to fall into. I wanted to be a sacrifice to you. All my waking thoughts were of you, you were a comfort nothing else could offer me, an off button. If I wanted I could turn it all off, I could finally meet the woman I had no memory of.
As time went on I tried to forget you, I'd plunge myself into life and into creating a better end for myself. You wouldn't let me go though, Everytime I missed a question on my test or burnt a meal I'd hear your voice offering me an out. Over time you got obsessive and violent screaming that'd I'd end up like my mother anyway so why fight the inevitable, it's better to leave on a high note than after everyone left me.
I never let you win though. I fought to eradicate you from my life, I refused to let you win. I still won't let you control my thought anymore. When I get knocked down by life, when all the odds are against me I no longer wish I was dead, I thank the universe for the opportunity to get up again, to change things and be a stronger person than I was yesterday.
Sincerely,
The person you tried to destroy.
*******. I will not forgive you for the havoc you have wrecked on my life, I will no longer hold you like a parent, or lover. You are no longer my Friend, you are not the comforting bed I can sink into when the world is too heavy for my concave chest.
You have always been there, ever since I was born. You were there when I was a few months old and my mother tried to end our lives together so she wouldn't leave me alone. You were there six months later in the ***** hotel room holding my mother's drug filled arms to lift the bottle of pills to the trembling lips calling out for her children, her husband, someone so she wouldn't be alone. You fed her the pills and promised she wasn't alone, she had you after all. Sometimes I wonder if you'd always been there for her too.
I remember you creeping around corners my whole life, I wonder if you cursed my name the nights I'd insist on sleeping in my dad's bed because before I even knew what suicide was I knew your vice like hands held his heart after you crushed my mother's.
After you saw my father wouldn't be the next victim, you wouldn't rip this family apart that way you settled for me. I was 10 when you crept back into our home, you came to me as a fleeting shadow in the corner of my eye when the classmates teased me. Slowly you crept into my tears and the more I cried the more you possessed my mind. In middle school you taught me that you'd give me peace if I let the blood seep, that the deeper the blade dragged into my skin the closer to you I'd be.
Slowly I began to worship you, made alters in my closest out of rope I'd pray to be strong enough to fall into. I wanted to be a sacrifice to you. All my waking thoughts were of you, you were a comfort nothing else could offer me, an off button. If I wanted I could turn it all off, I could finally meet the woman I had no memory of.
As time went on I tried to forget you, I'd plunge myself into life and into creating a better end for myself. You wouldn't let me go though, Everytime I missed a question on my test or burnt a meal I'd hear your voice offering me an out. Over time you got obsessive and violent screaming that'd I'd end up like my mother anyway so why fight the inevitable, it's better to leave on a high note than after everyone left me.
I never let you win though. I fought to eradicate you from my life, I refused to let you win. I still won't let you control my thought anymore. When I get knocked down by life, when all the odds are against me I no longer wish I was dead, I thank the universe for the opportunity to get up again, to change things and be a stronger person than I was yesterday.
Sincerely,
The person you tried to destroy.
