"Live your life" they said
Maybe one day I'll stop writing about death
Maybe one day I'll have my scars tattooed over so I wouldn't have to look at them with regret
Maybe one day I'll look into lining out my life with colors instead of shades of malice that I inflict on myself
That my life is not a big misadventure but rather a puzzle that I have yet to piece together
5, 10, 20 years from now, I'll wonder why I never celebrated my 18th birthday
I'll wonder why I never smiled at that one friend who said "hi"
I'll wonder why I never kissed my parents 'I love you' until our last goodbyes
I will think back and remember as I sit by a window, drinking coffee or smoking a cigarette,
Gazing into the backyard, wondering where time went, and why summer quickly turned into winter
I will listen to the house breathe, while my loved ones are in deep sleep
I will be old enough to know what life is all about and maybe I'll look back and not have a single hint of regret,
But chances are that will be unlikely to happen
26, 30, 38, maybe I'll be older or less
I hope I will stand in that room and appreciate the walls, the furniture and the growing pile of books
That my lungs will still function and my hands will still be able to write words and move
And most of all, for my heart to continue beating, to love a person who deserves no less
I will have come this far with my life sorted and my troubles dissolved
I was once young, I had a knife and a choice, and I will be glad that I did not **** myself

n.j.