I think I killed myself
the day I started expecting
good things
for myself.

You don't see me
"Self
"Harm"
I'm cutting  
"From"
"The"
"Inside"
I don't bleed out,
I bleed within,
Scars never seen
But the pain is always real,
And felt **everyday..

it's 6:14 a.m. and i'm sitting on my terrace thinking about death.

i'm sorry for all the times my morbidity has brought you down
i'm sorry for all the times i've held onto your hand so tightly
my nails have pierced through your flesh.

i am afraid of letting go, you see.

even more afraid than i am of death
even more afraid than i am of actually holding your hand in the first place.

your tongue is like a razorblade when you tell me to leave
(that i am bringing you down)

i am sorry, darling.

did you know that the average human takes 8,409,600 breaths a year?
more than 7,000,000 of my breaths were filled with you.
did you know the average human being breathes fire zero times a year?
i'm sorry for constantly setting fire to your heart
and your lungs.

it's 6:15 a.m.
and i have nothing to think about but death.

dear boy,
(it seems appropriate to call you nothing but boy
even though you have a name in my head)
i wish i could say i'm sorry and i miss you
but i am not sorry
and i do not miss you.
without you i am weightless
i am free.
(this was supposed to be an apology, but i am only mortal, after all)
but i am sorry for all the times you told me that you loved me
and i responded in kind
(while feeling nothing)
and i am sorry for the times i held you and pretended to care
(even though we both knew i was empty inside)
i am sorry i did not tell you to let me go sooner
(that you were weighing me down)
i am sorry for the pointless kisses
(that built up to the deep revulsion i have for you today)
most of all
i am sorry for not having the courage to let you know sooner
(and less indirectly).

please write my name on your low-tar cigarettes
and smoke me away.

I.
a note in your voice
is a song in my head.

II.
you called me the queen of your heart
but you never told me your heart was made of eggshells
and i should tiptoe around it.

III.
the first time you touched me
my heart sped faster than a hummingbird's wings
but it was for all the wrong reasons
(even though you stopped when I said 'when').

IV.
the veins in your neck stand out when you try to hold your anger in
sometimes tears are not enough to glue people back together.

V.
forever vanished with the fickle winter wind
love nestled deep into hibernation with jealous thoughts and angry words.

VI.
i no longer want to breathe you in.