JaiJai

JaiJai Nov 2014

I never knew I had what they all want
Not until I let it go did I know
That the comfortable feeling that happens after 10 years
Is a blissful state craved for
No hiding, no pretending, no judgments
I didn't have to hold em in or make myself pretty
I didn't have to be nice or seem interested
I could drink a bottle of wine and slur
And still you looked through my mess
With eyes soft
Held me tighter than before and let me snore in your arms
I never knew and I took you for granted
That what you did was because you loved ME
Just me, the bags under my eyes, the marks on my face, my stinky breath from smoking too much
I wish I didn't realize that how you loved was what they all want
A helping hand, selfless, compassionate and kind
Because I could have moved on
Now I'm stuck comparing everyone to you

JaiJai Nov 2014

Lonliness

The loneliness comes without notice
Not even a courtesy call
I beckon it in resentfully
Ask it to brush the mud off at the door
No words exchange
No need
We've been through this before
I pull the sweater over my head
And scrunch the jeans to the floor
He runs the bath
I lay in the warm tub
My eyes fix on an empty ceiling
As it's hands push me under
Gently, smoothly
The water feels comforting at first
Until like a flood the heightened panic enflames
I try not to stir, it'll only make it worse
I lay in the moment, the seconds that feel like hours
I can't breathe, I stop thinking
It's only when I let go, does he
Removes me from his grip
Allowing me space to catch myself
He stands up and lingers
I lean against the cold tiles until I regain myself
Then he vanishes and I hear the door slam shut
His job is done, for now

JaiJai Nov 2014

He used to sing to me

He used to sing to me
Time floated on the melody of his alto
Vibrating on chords that connected my soul with his
As light filtered through the eggshell curtains
I could hear the rising of the sun
He used to sing to me
The beat of his heart transfixed ours in tune
With every inhale
I knew
That space, change nor distance could erase
Our energies
He used to sing to me
The words meaningless, the breath he spared miraculous
For me he took those precious breaths
Giving me those memories I will never soon forget

JaiJai Nov 2014

Glory

I've come to the conclusion that I must focus on God
Not a man, not myself, not those dysfunctional family members whose problems I try to solve but never can
God- the source of strength, peace, and love
Whose blessings have gone by without a bat of my eye
I missed all those opportunities to be grateful
I missed out on my joy choosing to focus on secular situations that were a subtractive force in my life
I've come to the conclusion that I must first love God in the way He loves me- unconditionally, irrespective of my faults
Focusing on the word of God allows me to feel security in knowing that he will never let me down
As I pray for those that need His mercy, that too takes the burden off of me, as I relinquish control and let Him do his thing.
I give it all to God- my insecurities, my worries, my fears
I am no longer in control of my life, I am a vessel for his Glory

JaiJai Nov 2014

Narcissist

He build me up only to tear me down
With words that hide behind a laugh, "I'm only playing"
But I can see through you and feel what you're doing to me
Breaking my confidence, my strength
Questioning my character
And for moments you had me
Under your manipulation
Consumed with the gratification when something was pleasing in your eyes
Inside I become wary of what I might say and how it'll be perceived
I can't live up to your perfect "image" of what a woman's suppose to be
The truth is it's too exhausting pretending to be okay
That somehow you'll change, when I've been exposed to your true self
The self that finds fault with almost everything
The self that refuses to love blindly
The self that is domineering, controlling, deafening
The self that is cold and calculating
The Narcissist in you

Jul 2014

Haruka

Letters I Wrote To You With No Return Address

I stand on the rocky ground between heaven and hell.
My mother once told me that you can't have it all,
but she never met you with your sweet lips and soft eyes.
I loved you deeply,
fully,
wholly.
I loved you more than I loved my own consciousness.

Somone once told me that falling in love
felt a lot being set on fire.
Watching as you disappeared in front of your own eyes,
dwindling down to ashes,
love felt a lot like being ablaze.

You were my inferno.
You were reckless and you burned bright enough to blind me,
but you also warmed me from the inside out.
Looking back,
I can't tell where you stopped warming me,
and began burning me.
I never noticed my fingertips turning to ash
and my heart hardening from your touch.
But I needed you.
I needed warmth, even if I knew from the beginning
that you'd be my demise.
I would always choose the most lethal weapon.
You were no exception.

Your love was fire,
it left me with scattered fragments of my former self.
And it's tragic that I'll always need someone to piece me back together
so that I can feel whole again.
When I loved you,
I watched everything fade around me,
until you were the only one left in my universe.
So when you left,
I felt this desolation that swallowed me from the inside.
Love is a paper boat that sinks,
and I am a sailor that never learnt how to swim.

#love #heartbreak #sad #depression #pain #boyfriend #loss #breakup #s

JaiJai Jul 2014

I'm not in love

It's disarming how easily one falls
back into the mundane
Suffocating slowing
Unaware that dying is taking place
Intensities subside
Passions extinguish
And who we once were passes away into nothingness
Transformed unconsciously into a hybrid of collaborated fantasy and yearning
The wanting to be loved sincerely
Replaced by simply being loved in a tired form
I take my place in the scheme
Too afraid to move
But I'm not in love