I haven't written in a year. I don't fully know who I am or what I'm doing anymore. Less than ten days left until the new coming year. Maybe 2016 will be less gray..

In their blind bid
To become westernized,
They lost touch with reality
Created shadows of themselves
Despised their own intrinsic values
Embraced a twisted dress sense
Of fallen pants and revealed underpants
Idolized everything they're not
The good, the bad, the ugly
They birthed dual personalities
Picked up foreign accents
On ****** home-based passports
The American Dream, they call it,
As they wear winter jackets
In scorching African sun
All in the name of fashion
Trading our simple hues
For complex shades unknown
Bleaching skin and hair
Trading natural black for artificial white
Unaware the very gods they adore
Are tanning theirs to look darker
Insecurity drives them mad
Inferiority complex overtakes them
As they ban mother tongues in offsprings
Placing exotic tongues on pedestals
At the expense of our cultural future.

This is not an attempt at poetry
This is wake up call to Africa
Be bold, be proud, be black!
You are BEAUTIFUL!!
You are AFRICAN!!!*


© Raphael Uzor

"So the thing is, the thing is. And that thing is this:

I live in a bit a blurr (a bit of, sorry), I can think (can’t, sorry), I am forever interested in disillusion (how am I still breathing?). What are grammar, what is speling, spieling all the **** I used to feel so burn in stomach; I used to be so alive.

Maybe it was the Dramamine I took in bed this morning with twice my scrip of xanaxian colored pillz devouring like candy yum how delicious is it to disappear, I am in love with the Nothing of it all (I’m no nihilist, though, no.)

For example, for proof, I shall explain how yesterday I had a long beautiful walk along the water with lovely friends and we laughed and I even ate healthy even though I did drink (how many nights of the week do I? Don’t ask, please, but it’s New York, that’s what we all do — right, that’s what we all do?)

But I’m not a sad girl, I’m not a sad girl anymore, I’m just a blurred girl now, I can’t even see myself straight, how do I expect anyone to see me. (Should there have been a question mark after that.)

Switch lines like knives’ eyes (wait, what kind of line, literary or otherwise?) I try to focus on pages, I try to focus on work, but all I can do is mutter and mispell misspelll twice and attempt to convince myself (and you, sir, lady) that I’m perfectly fine. Italicized.

The truth is (and here’s the crazy part) I actually am fine, I actually am fine for the first time in a long time, I’m mostly actually amazing and ecstatic and all those great ALL CAPS words we toss around in life on phones in text like little sweet congrats donuts, but I guess the truth is that I’m also something else, I’m also volatile, I’m both happy and a mess, I’m just in progress, I guess. I’m honest, I’m honest, I’m not hiding this time behind a second person narrative (god how comforting those babies are).

No, this time, I’m just telling the truth, and the truth is the thing; and the thing is, I am better than I’ve been in a while except in certain small moments when everything collapses inward crushing down, and in these moments, I am helpless and hapless and less than everything I want to be. I want to be perfect, you know. I want to happy all of the time.

I want every day to be like yesterday.

But today is not. Today is just wrongly prescribed glasses making everything all hazy glazed over, today is just overused parentheticals explaining things to people who don’t need to be explained to.

Feel free to hate me, I do sometimes. Feel free to love me, I do sometimes. Feel free to vindicate me / indicate me / masticate me in crunching acid commentary.

but GUESS WHAT

today is just today

tomorrow will be tomorrow

(obligatory obvious, sorry)

But it all adds to the very bones of the thing which is: this moment I want to ***** up all my self indulgent sadness and be okay, but I cannot do anything but snuggle it in corners into words and have faith that the other end of the daylight holds a girl in sharper focus than this one"

I lay motionless in front of the fan blowing a warm breeze, any sudden movement will have me drenched in my sweat mixed with insect repellent that I had to spray all over my freshly bathed skin to avoid the spreading mosquito virus. I already have 29 bites,itching while counting each minute they allow us to have electricity see, here the government can shut off the power throughout the entire village as they please even in 100 degree weather heat. Don't take the electricity, eyes tightly shut..don't take the electricity, maybe if I concentrate hard enough, don't take the electricity, i continue to plead. It's funny how we can take things for granted. As I think this the fan stops. The heat instantly begins to engulf itself around me there's nothing else I can do so I continue to lay still, it's now silent and In the distance I can hear faint voices talking. Mom and dad and a couple of friends are reminiscing on the good ol times when they were all together in the past. It's been 18 years since then. And I'm glad to be here with them to see their emotions filled with happiness. Visiting old family members and friends, they greet with their warm embraces, I smile. And even though more then half the county's population is in poverty on top of not being in the best medical condition you can tell that they except what life gives them so they continue to keep moving to keep going to keep fighting with less crying. Man It's funny how we can take things for granted. Mom and dad aren't the richest in fact they aren't rich at all but it's encouraging to see them still giving. We've only been here 5 days and it seems like they gave everything they have, but I trust that Jehovah will continue to provide materially for them, so I'm not worried about they're survival when we break up with vacation and go back. I have faith. Reality of todays condition hits when you witness someone who has far less then yourself. Kids playing race car with a wooden bench and sticks is a sight to see. You wondered why you cried when mama got you that cheap plastic Barbie doll, you girls know what I'm talking about, the one with the legs that easily popped off. Instead of the one that came in a fancier box. It's funny how we can take things for granted, even as innocent little children. And at least you get the option to ride on a bus that cost 2 bucks with comfortable enough seats and cool ac. Talk about luxury. Try riding in a pick up truck packed to the brim in the summer heat knocking on the back of the drivers window seat to signal the next stop and then paying him 8 bucks. See It's funny how we take things for granted. Now that I'm older Im grateful for what I had while growing up. That I have parents who fought to get where they're at with Jehovah's help. Haiti is my love, I'll embrace my culture with open arms and warm tender cheek kisses. Stitch my people's pain inside the bottom of my sleeve. And weave the essence of Haitian on the outside rim of my beating heart. Knowing that, when this system comes to a complete end this, this is when my country Haiti will truly live again. For Jehovah said “I am creating new heavens and a new earth.”​— Ayiti ou se peyi mwen, menm si mwen pat fet ladan, map toujou renmen ou ne *** sa moun yo di mwen, konye a wap soufri men pa pou two lontan, kontinye kenbe djanm nan fen system la. As long as I am Jehovah's Witness I'll be there to witness Haiti's rebirth. And I will not take that for granted, not while in Jehovah's paradise new earth.

Just know that when you are ready to no longer be a coward
when you think that you want to commit to this

I wont be available
This isn't the right time, I understand and that's completely fine
Just keep in mind that..

When a woman Is content with who she is and what she can ultimately get that's when you hold on
If your to ignorant for this then