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 Jul 2023
Ila
I hate having regrets-as anyone does, so I do my best to make sure I don’t have any. I can count the number of regrets I have on one hand. I’ve conditioned myself not to regret the things I have done and will do.

My biggest regret at the moment was that I told you it would be hard to love you.

I said it after things were revealed, but I had no idea the effect it would leave. I told you I used the wrong words-I really did use the wrong ones.

I claim to be good with words and yet I let those few escape my mouth.

It was so easy to love you. There are so many things to love about you. I loved you and all the parts you hated about yourself. I would’ve kissed the scars left from the past if I could. I immediately tried to take it back, I have no idea if it worked.

I was scared and confused but saying “I love you” 4 hours after suddenly made everything better. Everything was so clear at that moment.

Tears cloud my vision. I’m so sorry.
I love you; I’m sorry; things I can never tell you again.
 Jul 2023
Ila
Tonight I am writing my feelings instead of expressing them into words. I have no goal or purpose with this, I am writing what flows out of my mind. I am numb. The world moves around me and I lay here, stagnant. So many questions without any answers. Is there a god I can call to.

I place my trust in the universe, an entity on its own. Fate lies within its clutches—she is the only one to dictate what goes. It was fated you left, maybe you’ll come back, maybe someone else will show up. Everything that you did to me was fated from the start. The fist “I love you” to the last goodbye. I had so many things to tell you in the time you were gone, and suddenly I wasn’t able to tell you anymore—you left. No closure. The end. Goodbye to my first love, my sweet romance.

Maybe I will find you in the next person I talk to. Your lines and phrases make their way into the next persons vocabulary, sadly you’re in my mind. Maybe I find you in the way they lay next to me as we drift to sleep together—there will be no time you and I do that again. That’s what I miss the most.

I thought you were my person, my unequivocally perfect person, but my perfect person wouldn’t leave just like that, now would they.

Fate.
It was fate you left; this is and will be my only consolation
It was fate that you left.
 Jul 2023
Ila
Tonight I am writing my feelings instead of expressing them into words. I have no goal or purpose with this, I am writing what flows out of my mind. I am numb. The world moves around me and I lay here, stagnant. So many questions without any answers. Is there a god I can call to.

I place my trust in the universe, an entity on its own. Fate lies within its clutches—she is the only one to dictate what goes. It was fated you left, maybe you’ll come back, maybe someone else will show up. Everything that you did to me was fated from the start. The fist “I love you” to the last goodbye. I had so many things to tell you in the time you were gone, and suddenly I wasn’t able to tell you anymore—you left. No closure. The end. Goodbye to my first love, my sweet romance.

Maybe I will find you in the next person I talk to. Your lines and phrases make their way into the next persons vocabulary, sadly you’re in my mind. Maybe I find you in the way they lay next to me as we drift to sleep together—there will be no time you and I do that again. That’s what I miss the most.

I thought you were my person, my unequivocally perfect person, but my perfect person wouldn’t leave just like that, now would they.

Fate.
It was fate you left; this is and will be my only consolation
It was fate that you left.
 Jul 2023
Ila
So, I fell in love. I know, I know. I said being love as a teenager was stupid, and how promising yourself to someone this early was stupid. But I did it. Past me would have been laughing so hard. I said I saw him in my future, we’d create a life together that was amazing.

I loved him for everything he did not love about himself. I will brag and say that I treated him best (compared to his exes so far). I would have accepted any changes that happened to him while we grew together.

But before any of those things could happen, he just left. ****. In a snap he left me with a burning memory in my mind that I did not want to forget, and yet I knew I should. He left me wanting him every night, and yet I could not contact him. He left me, knowing how much I loved him and how much he loved me. Did I even mean anything?

Once something is over it’s hard to really believe it is. You just want it to go back to normal. You have no knowledge on the reason you ****** up.

I’m not mad at him though. I love him too much to be mad at him. I wished him all the best, hoping he would receive all the love that he deserves. I know I treated him the best, but I am sure that someone else will come along and treat him better.

Loving him was exquisite. Everything and nothing existed all at once.

It’s hard to forget such good memories. But I never said I would. I will remember the good, there’s nothing wrong with that, is there?

I am slowly forgetting that he used to consume my days, and all I would do was talk to him. I am slowly forgetting his voice at night, saying I love you as I drift off into sleep. I am slowly forgetting the laughs we shared together and how I couldn’t see anyone else in the future.

I am slowly forgetting him, and I am sad that I am.
I don’t feel anything, is this finally moving on

— The End —