It's so easy to believe
Through pictures I see
That your life is better
So much better without me

You're going more places
Doing things, meeting people
Smiling brighter, laughing louder
Loving life, never dull

And it's so easy to think
That all of this was because
We broke up, we parted ways
So I think and I pause

But I know I always encouraged you
To go and live out your dreams
I pushed you to explore yourself
But as it now seems

I was just holding you back
From living up to whatever
You're doing now
Your life truly seems better

I saw you again last night
You were in my house
In this dream, I lived on the first floor
Of some elaborate vintage hotel

The opulence that surrounded us
Juxtaposed the dissonance
Of our internal dispositions
The true feelings we never shared

You were in my room
You kissed me and I knew
Something wasn't right
Really, something wasn't right
Even in real life

So I started to project
My true and honest feelings
Like I felt I never totally could
Wanting what I wanted
Seemed to be the opposite of yours
And I never wanted to let you down

Always the opposite, never the same
Constant clashing of ideals
Never peace, torn in between
What I wanted and what you said you needed

So I finally told you, I needed to be done
If not for my own sake, then for yours
So we didn't self destruct
And completely tear each other apart

As I said those words
You said some in return
About how you thought something
Had always been wrong
That hit deep in my soul because I knew it too

I didn't want to admit that
I wasn't ready to love you
I was emotionally closed off
But thought I could squeeze you in there
Along with all the other feelings
I was too ashamed to tell you about

So I let it go
I let us build up the hope
Of something permanent
When I didn't feel ready
I felt like I was partly participating
And partly spectating
Only half committed
Because you only had half my heart
And I can't help how I felt
I just did a ****** job
Of handling it and not being honest

I couldn't tell you
That the reason I couldn't tell you
That I wanted to be with you forever
Was because I didn't see it like you did
You said I was your world
And I can't help that I didn't feel it
There was nothing you could have done
To make yourself my entire world
You knew you weren't and you tried hard
You really tried to make me love you more
I wasn't ready, I was so preoccupied
With still loving a boy that was never mine
He wasnt ready for me like I wasn't ready for you
Constantly wanting the inaccessible
It was my fault I said yes when I didn't know
I loved you yes, but I could have loved you more

So, for that, I'm sorry
I can't fix the things I did
And my heart hurts that I hurt yours
I'm sorry for not being honest
But I'm not sorry
For being myself
And for chasing my dreams
For leaving home
Even though you were left alone

It was familiar
But not the same
Nothing looked exact
Just a counterfeit
Of what I knew

I talked to your family
In my hazy dream
Mid sentence, you entered
I looked over at you
And broke down

I sobbed like I forgot I could
I just grabbed on to you and cried
For us, the mess we made
Trying to love each other
In these crazy lives we lead

You looked different, you weren't you
And I couldn't help but say
How everything looked different
In between choking on tears
That's all I could say

I clung to you because I needed to
Because I needed you
I sobbed into your chest and shook
As I did so many times before
As I'll never do again

But you were only there as a form
You looked at me with sympathy
But without the same convictions
Without the same emotions
I cried harder

I shouted out for you last night
Said your name, reached to feel you
Because as I'm trying to move on
It's hard to not extend towards you
To hold the hand I grew to know

And as I write this, fully awake
I need to walk away from it all
Because I'm afraid my roommate will see me
Crying at the kitchen table

Asphyxiating on your shadow
Suffocating in the great lack
Smothered by selfishness
Stifled by cognizance
Strangled by an invisible grasp

And when I saw your name roll across my screen
At one in the morning, was that a dream?
Because I was doing fine
I was doing so fine in fact that I forgot
About you and the mess that I became
Because I was so preoccupied with trying to feel ready
And feel right for you, but you didn't pressure
I rushed myself into it, I tripped over my shoelaces
Like a little girl trying to dress herself for once
Were my sneakers even on the right feet?
And I lined up at the starting line
Days before the race had contemplated commencing

I didn't know how to handle you
How to handle no pressure
I had to create some because I've never had none
I've always had a ticking clock
Most times it ended up being a time bomb
I just didn't know how to be without the stress
Even though that's what I tried to leave behind

And I did not know how to handle
Caring for you the way I did, how I didn't
Know what I did or I hadn't
Was a low point for me, I was all turned around
The desires in my heart confused my head
Into thinking it was okay
To say things to you that I really did feel
But my head told my heart they weren't good
That I didn't feel them because I didn't know entirely
And I held back because I was confused
I pushed you away because I didn't want you to be used
I pray you understand that I truly cared
I'm a genuine person, but I'm genuinely scared

I had to be honest
I have to be honest
I was being honest
I try to be honest
I am being honest
When I say that I felt a large pang
Like I sunk into my mattress
Yet simultaneously I was relieved
When I saw your name appear
Out of thin air, onto my screen
It could have been a drunk text
An anebriated thought, possibly
I felt fine, I was fine
It is only a dream

By the way we've proceeded, I've gathered
Up hints like raspberries in a basket
The fruit is sweet, but the thorns are sharp and the dye stains red
My fingers are crimson and I'm not mistaken
You don't want anything to do with me

I'll never quite get the games we play
Power dynamics and bedroom eyes
Spinning rooms with smoke and mirrors
When what we really need
Is our exposed hearts on wrinkled sleeves

Sometimes I wish to hold you once more
But the problem with once more
Is that I'll always want another and another
Until you seep back into the cracks of my heart
You'll find your way in and you'll stay
Your touch will linger on my skin
And I'll feel incomplete until your fingertips
Lay where they lied once more
And I'll feel your strength behind me
I'd never want you to go
The problem with one more time
Is it never is the last

Insecurities surround me
This is not how I used to be
I don't know what changed
Something broke, something snapped

For a while now I feel it
The fear of hurting others
It commands me to obey
Something demanding, something controlling

And I never knew why
I am consumed by guilt
For voicing my opinion
Something honest, something genuine

I guess it's just because
I never wanted someone else
To feel a modicum of how I felt when hurt
Something disposable, something discarded

So I avoid it at all costs
I take the long way home, but get lost
And I end up hurting others anyway
Something accidental, something unintentional

I have good intentions
But they are masked by the fear
Of hurting others in the end and it is
Something unavoidable, something inescapable

Oh, my love, look what has happened to us
You aren't my love anymore
And I don't know how to be myself
Without you, without our relationship, if that makes sense

I've tried to distract myself
From the void that you left
By filling it with other things
With other people, not permanently
And not always romantically
I just wanted a distraction

When in reality, I just need to let it be there
I need to cry in the shower
I need to scribble all my thoughts
On the corners of diner placemats
And I need to know how it feels
To be all by myself

When I think of you
All I can recollect
Was how I lost my very best friend
The day you walked away

When I let my mind conjure an image of you
I need a hug, I feel an immediate lacking
And your embrace is all that will do
That would be a solace to my soul

You were a cup of coffee on a fall morning
An unexpected turn on a familiar road
You were exactly what I needed

But eventually, the coffee turned sour and cold
And the woods got dark and I got lost
You were what I needed, but not what I need

Oh, my love, you deserve the world
I just have to do right by myself
Because if your world would have continued to be in mine
Neither of us would have been happy
We would have compromised everything we each wanted
Because, wretchedly, we were heading different ways

Why force it when it wasn't supposed to be?

I can never bring myself to forget the way you loved me
You showed me what it meant to feel safe in a relationship
I'm sorry that I became too safe, I took you for granted at times
But at other times, I needed you so desperately, like you were air
And I was suffocating, and I just needed you more the more you gave
I just could never get enough of you, I'm sorry for hurting you

I miss our inside jokes, I think if someone told me that I was a child
Ever again, I would probably start sobbing
I can't ever really look at things the same way I used to

And I keep thinking of cooking with you in your kitchen
On Saturday mornings when we were inseparable
And that other time you sliced your finger while making chicken
And I overreacted because I didn't ever want to see you hurt
Then the way you looked at me like you couldn't have ever cared more
About any other person in the entire world, moves me to tears

But despite all of these memories that surround me, I just want you to know
You are an incredible person and I am happy to have had the pleasure
Of being your best friend for three years
Even though I always didn't do such a great job
Thank you for being mine, for being there, for caring so much

I pray you find a woman who is everything you want and need
Someone who adores your hazel eyes and enveloping deep voice
Your hobbies that you immerse yourself in
The way your eyes crinkle when you laugh
And how you love entirely, with everything you have
Your generosity and kindness
The way you smelled, deep and sweet
I hope she adores you as much as you adore her
You deserve the world

Tengo ganas de estar
Cerca de ti
Para sentirte en el cuerpo
Para que toques con el pelo
Y siento su ligera presión de dedo
Para expresar algo profundo como antes
Antes de este momento

Estoy enamorada con una fantasía
Con un hombre que ahora no existe
No le he visto por mucho tiempo
Y es como un nube en el cielo
La forma en que puede tranformarle
A causa del tiempo y el viento
Es impresionante como cambia tan rápido
Justo en frente de los ojos abiertos

Es duro para sentir completa
Sin otra media

If you wish to talk to me no longer, I understand
I wasn't prepared when you grabbed my hand
And when you looked at me like that I must confess
I felt and aching and breaking inside my chest

Because I knew and said that I wasn't ready
My head is a mess and my balance unsteady
You were nothing but wonderful near and far
Talking with me till morning in your car

What I felt was honest, what I knew was true
I don't deserve the things you do
Because I know it now than ever more
I'm not ready for you knocking at my door

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please please believe
Even though it's cliché, it's not you, it's me

It's okay if you want to go
Recede into the woodwork
Take your hat quietly and leave
I understand your departure
I may soon disappear as well

I am scared that you won't like
The ugly parts of me
The parts I am ashamed of
The parts I try to hide

Somehow they come out so easily
With a single thought or memory
Ironically I'm still an open book
I've revealed it to you, my crumpled heart
Like damaged goods, a cracked plate
Not everything is honeysuckle sweet
There are darker parts to me

I am happy for you
Really, I am
I smile for you and I am excited
When you tell me every modicum
Of how he looked the other day
Or your intentional conversations
But I cannot help but feel inside
Like it soon may be over for you
Like it was for me, it always was
And I never want that for you
I want him to be the one you marry
I really hope for your sake he is
I pray you never have to have your heart broken
I pray you never have to live without him
I pray you never feel rejected
But I know your man is different
You chose the right one the first time

I am an oyster shell, partially open under the cover of the waves
Yet once I feel your intent to pick me from the water approaching
I close myself up, and I tuck my true heart away
I do not permit love to enter, the emotion is encroaching

I know I have a pearl to offer some other
I have been building it up over the years
Little by little a shiny seal has formed a cover
Over the irritation that used to be here

Despite the way I shut down and feel disconnected
You are not unworthy of my affection, I just don't know
How to interpret my emotions for you, my mind is hectic
Nonetheless, my hands are clammy and my face glows

I don't know how it has gotten to this point
That I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I don't know what I want and I attach myself so readily
More readily than I want to let go, even if it is not right for me
Even if they give me an open invitation to stay or go
*Why do I feel the urge to stay even if my heart says run away?

I don't know how I feel in this moment
I want to explore it with you
I want to figure it out along the way
Stumbe upon it and grasp it if I so desire
Or if I don't, that is also okay
Just to experience what it means to be alive
What it means to be young and free
All the things that I feel don't have to be said
If I can't configure the words to say them
I don't owe an explanation for being me

I am afraid that your fingers
Would grasp mine
In the precise way
That his used to

And I am scared
That the inflection in your voice
Will resonate in my brain
As all the same

But, to tell you the truth
I don't want you to be him
I don't want to do the same things
With you that I did with him
After all, it never worked out
I'm just scared this won't either
And I'm scared that you're not the right one

What changed in those days?
The time we spent together
Was it the look in your eyes or the weather?
The heat of summer and long conversation?
Out until early morning
Discussing the way we both like
Sitting in cars during rainstorms
Being immersed by the water
Sitting silently in that moment
Letting the world fold around us

Yet it terrifies me to think that you'll be too close
I don't want to let you in
Subconsciously I have shut down my heart
You're knocking ever so patiently
I just have turned on a lamp
Feigning hospitality
When all I feel is hostility
Because I don't know how to remove the deadbolt
When you bring your hands to my heart
And I feel the thumping in my chest

I want to invite you in
To have a cup of coffee
Just to meet you halfway
To take a chance on something
It may be good
Or it may be devastating

Porcelain skin and a tiny frame
She's so lifelike it's surreal
Shirley Temple hair and an English name
Hollow inside, but a shiny seal

I can't comprehend the way you care
Like a delicate touch of a finger
As opposed to shattered glass

I have never seen a face as kind and welcoming
Like an enveloping hug by a fire
As opposed to the cold shoulder

Your smile comforts and invites me
The way you talk also excites me

If only I wasn't so scared of the feeling
That's rocked my head and sent me reeling

I can't deal with the reality of my heart
Timing and desires tear me apart

But there you are, so willing to bend
Content in life, even to be a friend

Maybe right now, that's what I need
You're so precious, precious indeed

Do I  own my own emotions
Or simply let others decide?
Do I man the wheel of my life
Or allow others to drive?

The care that I keep of others
The concern I have for them
Has caused my true self to be smothered
Time and time again

Because I permit my punishment
I allow abuse
I will take and take what you give to me
Until you cut me loose

And all because I care for others
More than I watch after myself
My heart of heart isn't often revealed
When I'm protecting someone else

So I've said yes when I didn't know
And I've permitted the playing of games
I've passively sat by and watched it occur
Instead of saying that I am in pain

I need to be honest about emotion
What is it that I truly desire?
Will I let another smother my embers
Or cultivate my fire?

I am supine and imagining
What does all of this that's been happening
Really mean, the feelings I feel
I want to know, honestly, are they real?

I drove by your house this afternoon
On an errand of a sort other than nostalgia
Looking down the way, I saw your place
I remembered the last time I drove by you

After work I visited you at night
I drove in the dark, I arrived and I parked
And bounded your dimly lit staircase
In a familiar place, I saw your lovely face
And we would melt together in an embrace

You would lead me to your room
I'd close the door, remove my shoes
And we would laugh as I told the night's stories
Then you would kneel over me
And us two became we
But the details are too painful to think of

I remembered loving you today
It was so beautifully excrutiating , I couldn't stay
I turned down another street, feeling so incomplete
Because I can't think of you another way

I don't know why I've tried so very hard
To forget the way you smelled or talked.
To erase my mind of your idiosyncrasies
Was something I regret, but can't confront

Because I want to feel everything again
I want to experience the sting of losing you
I don't want to block the pain anymore
I want the memory to rain over me

And instead of fastening my umbrella
I want to be drenched in what we were
I want to be enveloped by the pain
Just to remember again how much you meant

If only I could bring myself to acknowledge
How damaged I am without you by my side
I was always cautious to build my life around you
Because I didn't want to be scarred

But I had just hoped that we would work
Instead of loving and then breaking off
We were two people going down different roads
With only time to kiss at an intersection

I dreamed you bewitched me one last time
To fall away from the world with you
I convinced myself that it was no crime
So I let you hold me close like lovers do

But within each dream you appear
Mayhem occurs, nothing goes right
As much as I tell myself I don't want you here
There you are next to me at night

But we have drifted away from "us" so far
That we can't even wave at a distance
Now I don't really know who you are
And I will never even have the chance

My heart tries its best to be numb
Numb from you, numb from this
Blocking out the truth that my head knows
That I'm not allowed to have you

But no matter how much my head knows
And my heart tries so hard to hide
My body always knows what lies inside
And it knows that I want you despite it all

I crave how we melt together in a hug
Your embrace can lift my spirits always
Your strong hands on the small of my back
Massaging away my troubles of the day

I hunger for your touch, intoxicating
Your sweet surrender, I'm helpless
Helpless below the touch of your hand
The way you caressed me always impressed me

I yearn for the way that you looked at me
The way I could feel you felt wholly true
The thoughtful and considerate you
I was just under your spell, can't you see?

And as my heart tries to wake up
And my head tries to level itself
I'm still left exposed at my deepest extent
Due to you, my heart was healed, but now broken and bent

I saw Scorpio in the sky tonight
It reminded me of the time
That I pointed it out to you
While we sat in that van you used to drive

You would always look up to see
But could never really pinpont
The exact location to where
My fingers truly laid

The stars and the moon looked lonely tonight
Without someone to retell their stories to
I'd tell you about Orion, but you've heard before
I'd be starstruck if I could recite them to you once more

I could never say goodbye to you
I could just never pull away
It's something in the way you move
That makes me want to stay

Even in the silence that falls around
Simply you holding my hand
Simply the feeling of your heart
Others could never understand

Even in those last moments
When I had to leave for good
I stayed for hours in that moment
Even though I doubted I should

It's in the way you make me feel
And in the way for you I fell
In the front seat of your car
And without you, life is hell

Is it so bad for me to say*
That I want you in every way?

Can we break up with our problems?
Drop them off at a train station and say goodbye
Pack up their belongings and leave them for good
Sneak out the back door when the coast is clear

I fell in love with you all over again today
The way you looked at me in your car
Your hand's strength holding mine
Even if you were saying goodbye

You kissed me and hugged me and told me you love me
But is that enough these days?
I want you and I need you now more than ever
But these problems keep getting in the way

So that is why I propose that we leave them behind
Let's take a road trip overnight and wake up in another state
They'll be far behind us if we drive at that pace
Because I'd rather live without our problems than you

I don't feel your touch anymore
I just feel like the place it once stayed
Like stepping stone of a concrete hand print
But the kids have grown up and moved away

I'm still that girl you knew
The one that skipped towards you
Only three and a half short years ago
Claps for all, you called me
Tear-stained cheeks from a broken heart
You swore to never do what he did and you said
I could have had my space if I wanted it
I just wanted to know you
You made me feel like I was loved
Like I was a treasure worth protecting
Like a sun to hold in the palm of your hand
So I said "okay" and let you love me
I grew to love you too, more than I ever
Ever thought was possible at the time
We drove around, kissed at traffic lights
Made new memories and adventured
You made me wonder why I had allowed
Allowed for myself to feel unloved
Our love grew like a ****, wild and rampid
We loved and loved and didn't fight
Until one day when we started
It had been a year or so without it
But once it started, it didn't totally end
No argument resolved, no problems closed
But I pushed on, I loved you still
I've loved you despite distance
I've loved you despite age
I've loved you despite every thing that should have pushed us apart
We don't agree on anything large
Not morals, religion, or priorities
We are falling into pieces, my heart aches
I'm bleeding and crying out for you to hear
But silence is all I have from your end
And we are still holding together by a string
You never told me that you were finished
And I'm too disheartened to say after three years
That even though I crave you like you're ******
That you're a large part of me
That you are the closest person to me
That I want to be by your side, to hear your deep voice, feel your heartbeat, smell your sweet musky cologne on my shirt after a long day,
I don't know how long I can do this
To place a band aid over our hurt
Only to rip it off come morning time

There are sights I have yet to see
And dreams I have yet to achieve
I have bridges yet to cross
And more of a life still yet to lead
But the beauty of having a lifetime
Is that you can take your time to live it

Nuestro amor es un circulo
Nos cansamos con la rotaciòn
Arriba con la euforia de sutilezas
Debajo con las peleas repitiendas
Cada día supongo que es el último
Pero vivimos un día más y uno más
Pongo en duda mis sentimientos girandos
Pero no encuentro una soluciòn de la locura
Que encuentro en vez de esa es otro día
Y otro día de revoluciones
¿Cúando vamos a parar?

And no I'm not tired, I'm just sad
If you ask so, I don't need sleep
It's too convoluted to bring up
So I plunge it back to the deep

Whispers between telephone lines
Small talk about work and weather
The tone in my voice echoes empty
Tonight shows it to be no better

So why open my mouth brokenhearted
And empty my indecisiveness to you?
I had better just keep quiet for now
Until conclusions come out of the blue

So no, I am not tired, I'm just sad
Sad because we are broken in two
Like two heart halves aching to be fused
But I suppress it and say goodnight to you

Do I have the heart
To forgive yours
For hurting mine?

There have been millions of souls before our own
And millions will fall behind
I'm risking so much, of all I have shown
Even to the best of us, love is blind

We are like a misshapen door
Creaking and wobbling unsteady
We have one hinge hanging on and one on the floor
I know now that I'll never be ready

Sobbing and choking on words I have said
The shaking of heads and deeds that are done
Then comes the silence that I so awfully dread
I am unsure now if you are the one

You spit fire at me, melting all that I see
The lines of scrimmage are dimmed and blurred
Who is right, you or me? There is no in between
With my heart wounded, I am deterred

Then we sit in the quiet unsolved
I cry for a bit, I don't care how I look
It doesn't matter, our fighting never resolves
The way I am left hurt and shook

Is real love supposed to make you wonder?
To make you question everything you thought you knew?
Because I'm drowning in the rocking waves and thunder
Rather than frolicking in the flowers I thought love grew


****** if I do, ****** if I don't with you my dear
Because no matter what I choose, I am at fault
It's either only having you for the rest of my years
Or choosing them and in my wounds pouring salt

So I try to soak in all the words that you've shared
I realize I'm growing up more than I admit
And I know that you have always dutifully cared
Then I looked at you with more insight and wit

You've loved and supported me all this time
Even when I was in someone else's arms
Even when I still had my own mountains to climb
And in the most when you knew I could have been harmed

I don't want to know who is wrong
I don't want to know who is right
I can feel a sense of where I belong
I know where I want to spend the night

I see less and less of you each day
At least that's what you told me last time you weighed
I notice your scapula prickling through a shirt
I can't tell you otherwise even if it does hurt

Because telling you I'm suffering would make you feel less
I can't completely understand, it's only my guess
That your smile is a disguise, it's your precious defense
If I could only sneak into your mind and teach you some sense

But no word I could utter would be new or unique
All I can do is sit here and wipe tears from your cheek
Just hug you tight in our tilt-a-world ride
Because everyone needs a friend by their side

I'm scared you won't change, you can't bring yourself to
I can see the way it's ripped apart and mortified you
Your body is scarily shrinking, striking and dissipating
And all I can do to help change is sit here waiting

They say that life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death
But you seem to live it, grasp its size and its breadth
I wish you could see your worth in another's eyes
It's your humor, your vibrance, but never your size

For some reason the two of us were there
Facing bluntly, but I fondly focused
On your tapping fingers, your bouncing leg
And when my eyes came up to met your gaze
It felt like I was looking into my own stare
A part of myself I had condemned, tried hard to forget
But somehow, you were remembered
After time without thoughts or contact

You touched my hand and we overlapped fingers across the booth
And a familiarity spread that felt like it used to
You gave comfort that I was not alone in our memory
You talked of her and I of him, but it didn't damper
A morning of caffeine in my favorite study nook at school
Though I never recall your fondness for coffee
We drank and enjoyed each other if only for a little while
A pleasant visit with an old friend

It was a flash of smoke or prestidigiatation it seems
Because something felt whole when you were there
Like I was reunited with a lost friend
But I felt utterly wrong to be contemplating it simultaneously
Because of what you meant to me

Your sweet visit occurred when I was not able to stop it
Even if you do not often come to my woken head
Sometimes you sneak into my sleep