My body's in sync with his, moving to the rhythm
but my minds off chasing the thought of your yellow-gold hair and ice blue eyes

he keeps asking if it feels right
and its so hard to lie
because I miss your hand on my thigh
so now I'm trying not to cry
I can't get air with hair blocking my windpipe

id like to tell you you're ****** in the head and you've made my life hell
but its hard to say ****** things to ****** people that you just so happen to love

I hate how much I miss your loud, obnoxious voice
but I remember how much I love the sound of it when you're speaking so quietly
and the way your hips curved underneath my finger tips
and the way you explain such difficult situations with such simplicity

its bad when every love song reminds me of your face

and your lips are like coming home after a long trip away

every part of you wants to break free from whatever kind of pain this is
it is not the pain of losing someone to the heavens,
but instead of losing someone who is literally an arms length away
straight in front of you, so close you can smell her
touch her
so close you can speak to her

but she does not hear you
she does not feel you
she does not see you

and still, you will have hope
maybe, just maybe she will reciprocate the love

but,

you know what they say about hope, breeds eternal misery

and you will die
every porcelain bone in your body will shatter, your steady breathing will race, your mind will clutter
and your body will collapse

but you will wake up the next morning still breathing,
the sun will still be shining
the birds will still be chirping
the world will still be moving

it never stopped
time never ceased

but for you,

it did, and you died

and you are just a walking corpse now, going through the motions

I decided to give up January first, two thousand thirteen
Little did I know it was only the beginning
Of a long painful process that i surely endured
No way would I have gotten through it without my mom holding my hand the whole way
And it's not like she spoke kind words
We fought often,
Screaming hurtful things because we cared so much
Funny how you can love someone more than anything and the only way to show they matter is by fighting
This isn't a poem, this is only the truth of things

I woke every day wanting to end my life
No longer having the will to fight
But my mom held it all tightly knitted close for me

She was my strength and heart for the time being and I guess that's all anyone really needs

She made up for what I couldn't lay down
She held me at night when I couldn't hold myself together
She told me she loved me when I couldn't say it back

She was there when no one was and that sounds like a cliche but its just simply the truth

One and a half years later and she's still picking up my broken pieces and threading them back together

She says loving me isn't easy but Im worth every heart ache over it
Although it seems painful to hear its all I need to believe
Besides, someone must love me, right?

I miss home so much
But it's not really home I miss

It's you.

My stomach feels tight and my airway is constricted
I want to cry tears of sadness
On your neck in the moonlight

I miss you so much it hurts

They say home is where the heart is, I'm no where near home.

every time I say your name my throat fills with something sticky

I wonder how you feel when you think of me and 
you’re pouring out of my veins tonight, I won’t stop it 


Alcohol will take over my body and you two will be in control 
I bet ill drunk text you-
maybe even call 

And sing you my favorite song while praying to ******* god you understand the lyrics is all the **** I can’t say 


And baby ill cry to you and i swear to jesus christ I love you with all my heart


ill beg to hear you say my name just one time and pretend you’re screaming I love you with every ounce of strength your vocal cords have in them


My throat is sticky with your name

Trickling blood became a common scenery for me

It was once a promised high,
Something I looked forward to at night

But like everything it got boring and when I tried to split my skin in two to feel something after you, I was numbed
Your face is shown in my nightmares,
Mostly you die

Slitting your throat is your favorite game to play

Your body is pressed to mine when a gun shows and blasts your brains on the wall behind us and I'm left supporting your limp body

But sometimes you call me to the top of a building and you say goodbye, I cry, beg and plead, while you lean backwards, drifting down the bottom of a sea of people

Stop haunting me

Day four; 6/13/14
Today's Friday the 13th. I didn't talk to you today. I didn't have to think about you for two hours while I slept in the day. I didn't dream of you or anything. Needless to say, I saw your face the rest of the day.
I cut my things last night while thinking about you. My breathing a raspy today, but surely there.
The four chambers of my heart aren't pumping blood as they should because you've filled all their spaces.
X-rays have confirmed your hair falling out of every hole in my chest are.
I miss school these days because at least I knew you had a place to escape that was safe.
Now you're going away -running away- to the Air Force and I'm terrified you'll never return.
You turn eighteen on September 5th.
You'll officially old enough to leave.

I can't watch you go.

You use to fill me with hope everyday
And now I dread the idea of you

But how is it
That I love you so much?

Rip and tear, sew and mend
It's an awful process, repeating day by day
Cycle in, cycle out

And I still love you

Ouch, I've done it again
Pushed you all to the point of no return

And I don't know why I do this because my bones crack when I walk and my fat jiggles and my face could shatter a mirror

I keep insisting that better things are going to happen for me but I'm a disgusting disgrace
And the only thing god would think when he saw me is when did I make this piece of trash?
I continue to tell myself I am worth something, that I will become a someone. But we all know better than that

I'll pull you close, and push you away
I'll put you on the worst roller coaster of your life
I'll tear your life from your eyes

Because I'm sick and repulsive

Don't you dare feel guilty, this is all my fault
I am a nobody

And I'll take you down with me

I'll shed tear after endless tear but in the end I'll only build you up to tear you down

I'm no good for you and you're no good for me

And honey, I love you.

I tried to
forget you
but you're
trapped under
the skeletons
in my closet

You thought I had a heart
Until you learned it was carved from stone

It bled for you once, but you took it for granted

And he, he was so sad
And oh, so lonely

Until one night he jumped into the lake and swam to the bottom where he tied himself to drown

And I couldn't go on living with an empty space
So stone was carved
And my heart, he was replaced

At the very bottom of the ocean is where you'll find my body
you said you lost your mothers locket and I jumped for you
little did I know you were just playing a joke
you might as well have wrapped your greasy fingers around my throat and squeezed until I saw stars at least id have gone seeing something beautiful and have your skin to touch one last time
instead I let seaweed do the choking and fish do the touching and I saw no stars only a greedy laughing face that very much resembled yours

So high I can't feel my face
I'm so high I'm turning blue
But don't worry baby, this will all pass and I'll be miserable once again

When did drugs become my best friend?

You say you see me but you don't
You say you feel me but your touch is not near

Future me says this is a bad idea, but present me says this is the sweetest taste I've ever felt

So come to me ecstacy, acid, ***, shrooms
Be my guide until I find my way and make me feel when I feel nothing at all

I want to be the one you call to carry you home when you're too drunk to stand

I stood in the road
wishing God had let
somebody dump
cement over my body
and carve my name
into the heap

The only love I've ever known is the love from my mother
and as grateful as I am for her, because she owns every inch of my heart and all of my body, in a mothers way
I just wonder..
but what it would be to have the love of another
to have him run his hands over every part of my skin
to taste his dry lips
to have my inhalations cease because of his appearance

what it would be..

but I climb into bed, remembering that fairy tales are far from real
and I love you, momma.

Ill carve your name into my forehead so every time I look into the mirror ill die a little more inside
Because your gone and I'm torn
I can't cope

So much for cardiac muscle because it ripped in half like a thin piece of paper

Ill stay up for three days and three nights writing you poetry you'll never read
And I'll burn it on my leg so it can soak into me, I'll never forget you that way

People will try to say kind words and ill save them in a canaster so I can sit them on your grave at midnight

Ill believe you will be coming back, ill live in denial

You're gone and I can't breathe
Words have escaped me

Maybe ill go to see you tonight
Oh please don't save me

Hey, hey
I know it's kind of late, but-
I'm sorry I don't know why I'm calling so late or at all to be honest,
Well I do know
It's just-
Look I miss you so much and I'm so **** sorry
I love you and I need you to come back home, okay? Okay?

We had a rough time for a while and you disappeared and now I can't breathe, im just choking and, and-****

Baby please come home, please come back

I always thought of you as glass
but I didn't think of what made you
and that your past could linger

I said some things I shouldn't have
and you cut me right through and cleanly off

Day five; 6/14/14
you didn't answer me today
no matter how long I fall apart over you, you're name never reads across my phone screen

I wish so much that I could be glad about my living days
and love my nights even more
but instead I keep my mind busy in the daylight and cut my thighs til I fall asleep in the night time

I used to think you were the vest parts of me
now I'm beginning to believe you are the worst of me

you've ruined me

I always want to start my poems with "its funny" even though they never are

they're always about you or her

I don't understand why I can't write anything beautiful
but then again, I don't understand why you two left
you slammed the door in my face
and my best friend sneaked out slowly
did she not think I'd notice?
I cannot sleep and I cannot breathe and I cannot listen to music without your faces coming into view

I see you everywhere
I'm always double looking
and my throat catches
but its never you
just my mind playing tricks and my hopes getting up to knock me down

oh ****. I just realized I'm writing about you two again.

My knees are shaking
and my palms are sweating, which they never do, but because of you they happen to be

and I'm going to slice so far into my skin that I'll be gasping for breaths because you're leaving me (or you've left already)

I'm not so sure I'll get through the night
but I sure as hell can try
even though razors and pills and nooses are clouding my thoughts

because if there's one thing I can do its let you go and still be alive when you come back

I haven't taken a breathe in a minute and twenty seven seconds
And I haven't seen you in a year and twenty seven days
And I'm still in love with you
I'm beginning to see stars

I'll **** myself to
make you feel whole

I'll lie to make
you feel alive

I'll hold my
breath and turn
myself blue to
make you feel
brand new

I'll wish my
life goodbye
to make you feel
self-confident

I'll bleed pints
of blood to help
save you

In the midst of the commotion all I could see was you in every horrible aspect of your being
I was always the first to validate the repugnant acts you committed
You didn't care, neither did I

My world has stopped.
It's ceased to exist.

Every ounce of me is gone and no one is anywhere to be found
I am looking into a black hole, it's never ending
There is no light at the end of the tunnel

Everything's just simply vanished

But the funny thing is, the world continues to spin, day in-day out
All of me is empty, I swear to god if you knock at the place my heart should be, it'll sound hollow
Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things

Look into my eyes, they are empty
I'm just a ghost

In a sense, I am broken,
but mostly just lost
I can't seem to figure why two selfish people
and one Holy God would create me?
Upon entering I am to live and die
Exactly what am I living for?
How do I, one being out of seven billion people, make a mark on the world?
It cannot be love I am searching for, because I am hopeless and blatantly disgraceful in that aspect
A mother, it cannot be
I am too dismantled to raise a breathing human being,
something that would solely depend on me
Besides, why would I want to bring someone helpless into a cruel and unjust world?

Lazy and obviously lacking ambition with dreams I will never uphold, is the simplicity of me

So therefore, you see, I am a lost soul
Breathing until I am finally deceased
The most unfortunate fact of this news is that I have years of breathing and holding absolutely no meaning

Every time i look at the lights on my ceiling i think of you and every time i smoke a cigarette i try to smoke you away

mist in the morning sky is what I wish you were but waves in the ocean is what you are and day after day you're there

and as much as I try not to look at your house when I pass your road I do

moments without you are like millenniums without you

I'm having trouble breathing with the thought of you pressing at the center of my mind and your hands feel as if they're wrapped around the front of my throat

I don't see much anymore except the color of blue just like your eyes

trying to **** the pain of you is tearing me down
I'll be shredded trash before I know it

I go to the ocean a lot these days to try to block the noises out like the sound of your voice in my ear canals every half a second

its a shame you don't love me anymore because I'm having trouble loving anyone else

I'm scared
Terrified, really
Because I'm so busy thinking about what's next that I'm not living in the now
I spend day after day wasted
I can't even remember the days of the week or what time it is
I'm so tired all the time and I'm sick
of everything, of being me

Ill pour my tired soul on your floor to watch you trample over it in your hurried rush to escape through your bedroom door
Because my body is on fire
scorching every memory you have left of this horrific life you've lead

I am constantly thinking people are doing me wrong
I can't shake the feeling that somebody is using me, tearing me down, has it out for me

But tonight I wonder if it is my fault
I feel like everyone hates me, I say this reasonably
Because maybe, if I was looking through another person's eyes I'd see myself hurting others
I'd feel someone elses pain

I am far from perfect, but I like to think my only good quality is kindness
But am I really kind?
Do I love fully?..
Whole heartedly?
Am I really who I say I am?

And so I am conflicted and perpetually confused completely with myself

Who am I when I'm not looking?

I hate that i have to pretend not to remember small details of people to not freak them out that I know things about them from memory.

on one hand
i've never been so happy about you not being here
and on the other
i've never been so miserable without you next to me

people ask how i'm holding up
i don't know what my honest answer is
i'm dumbfounded
i think you're something i just have to let go of because i was used to you being around for so long, not so much i miss you
you screamed and cried day after day
you hated this life
and all the people in it
i tried to save you, but you were too far in
i leaned just a little and toppled over you

now you're above and i'm under and
I'm
Just
Not
Sure
How
To
Breathe

You break me down like I am nothing
Nothing more than a piece of lent
Am I even that?  
I am undefined, habitually replaceable  
A mess of colors
Take me and bend me in two, I’ve always been used for others satisfaction
Use me up, swallow me whole
Knock me down, pin me, take what you wish
I am a set of tools to be used at your disposition
A heart ache so full it can reach the sun and does
The sun reaches out, those blazing arms engulf my being
And now
I am the sun
Hot- Rage
Passionate, volatile
The Sun; I-  
Casts shadows
And in those shadows hide fear, insecurities, unidentifiable trauma, anger, hostility, and the desire for definitive change

Perpetually displeased with the volcanic eruption of emotions, I turn to the orbiting moon and ask her:  
How do I learn to quiet the instinctive nature of burning rage of hurt held deep within my soul?

The moon takes her time to reply. I can only assume she is delving thoroughly into her thoughts, bringing the best answer possible to the surface. She says; fuel the rage with conviction, ideals and compassion. Learn to give freely of your love. Do not expect even gratitude in return. Invite change to come. Welcome pain, let it sit for a while and then politely ask it to leave. Do not shy away from fears, instead face them boldly. Ultimately realize that yes, you can cast shadows, but your light radiates above all. You are the center, so shine.

I remember when I used to wish that I could be one of those people who didn’t care about anything. one of those people who had an on and off switch, and whenever they didn’t want to feel a certain way they just flipped the switch. I used to beg for it. it never came, day after day I was the same. I was so emotionally unstable that walking against the wind cracked my bones.

Eventually my day came, but followed, was weeks then months after months of an empty void. I know I should feel angry or upset when someone says a cruel joke or another someone ***** me over or a friend decides to leave  but I dont. I feel like I've been scratched on the surface. There’s no depth to the hurt. No real feeling, no raw pain. The scratch doesn’t even need a bandaid. sometimes I wish I could feel again, but most of me doesn’t care enough to even have a wish.

The majority of my conversations are with myself. At one point in my existence I couldn’t be away from someone for longer than an hour without the anxiety beginning to set in. Today, an old friend and I met up and he told me I’m too quiet, I don’t seem like myself. I think that’s when it hit me that I am quiet these days, because I only talk to the little man inside my head. He and I, we don’t need to speak out loud. My friend asked me who I hang around now, and again I had no answer to give because I hang around me. I talk to me. Me and I, we are friends, and we are the only friends we need. Who else could understand me the way I do?

This wondering has brought me and I to a conclusion that maybe we are turning into ghosts. We think we are becoming more invisible as the days pass. We think it is okay.

What is Consciousness?
The spirit as our inmost part is the inner *****, possessing God-consciousness, that we may contact God
The soul is our very self a medium between our spirit and our body, possessing self-consciousness, that we may have our personality
The body as our external part is the outer *****, possessing world-consciousness, that we may contact the material world

All around I look and I see hardened hearts
Though that’s what you told us not to do.
“Today, if you will hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion”
Down another bottle of anti depressants to make you feel stable tonight
Eat another plate of dinner to make you feel full, satisfied
Smoke one more joint to give you peace
Just one more drink to help you sleep, keep the demons away
Spend your money on one more shirt, you know, shopping therapy
And yet, still empty, hopeless

I know if I flip the switch I can experience the beauty but I feel the weight of the sufferings of this world on top of my shoulders
Loved ones passing away,
Children sick and dying,
****,
Torturing of the mind,
It holds me down, chokes me out

Breathe in, breathe out
That’s what I tell my daughter anyway
When her emotions are getting the best of her,
Stop, breathe in, breathe out
Notice 5 things for each sense
Count your fingers, 1,2,3,4,5
Sniff and smell 1)wax melt 2)mommy’s hair 3)your favorite stuffed animal 4)the blanket 5)laundry
Look at 1) bubby’s eyes 2)the blue grey painted walls 3)Azora’s yellow shirt 4)toys all over the floor 5)the fuzzy carpet
Listen to 1)the birds outside 2)the tv in the background 3)the fan in the bedroom 4)my breath, in and out 5)Azora’s laugh, one of my favorite sounds
1)take a drink of your juice 2)taste the cookies I just made 3)the inside of your mouth 4)garlic green beans, mommy and Azora’s favorite 5)daddy’s best omelette

And we’re back to calm waters

One night Jesus told me He forgave me
Of course I thought, what do I do to deserve this? Only He replied,
You are loved
And so my journey began, to become a fisherman of people
So I say to you, call out to Him as I did, admit your sins, whatever they may be, jealousy, anger, envy, lust, abuse, drunkenness, ****** immorality, pride, do not hold back because He knows what our thoughts are and what is written on our hearts. In doing so you will turn from the darkness, in to the light.

Notice the trees, the grass, the flowers, the waters, all the beauties of the Earth and then for one moment begin to imagine Heaven. There will be no sufferings, no night, no darkness. All colors will be more in depth, richer, fuller.
Imagine time and space all in one. One moment can last a lifetime and a lifetime can last for a moment
Being able to experience the past, present, future all at once  

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever.“