The emotions
I couldn’t learn how to feel
My head and face, my hands began to peel
An inner world reflected, the damage too real

Stimming, the name to excuse it
If I keep this up
I might lose it

This is how I dealt with things in the first place
Funny how its all in my head
When there’s scars on my face

The curls are cut and gone
The past falls away
Swept up with a broom

Pent up in my room
Slowly changing
Long hair
And short sleeves
To sweatshirts
Rearranging

A beanie to cover up
The dread I feel
Looking in the mirror
I hope to see change
But I don't know what of

This is my dysphoria

I guess I wish
It was something I didn’t miss
But I do
But I don’t
But I do

Certain thoughts
Make my memory sing

When we were a thing

Count to seven

Why seven?

1.
Oh cause it's an odd number
Well I'm already odd
That's why I ******* got here
In the first place

2. Are you an idiot?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Yes...
I want to change
But who can prove
I won't change back

3.
I can't think anything
Besides the thing I hate
It's hard to to focus on the hurt it's causing
When I feel so lost without it

4.
I never wanted this for myself
Worrying every moment
About every calorie
If any at all
So desperate that the John becomes my friend
My guilt disappears with a flush
But the guilt of dying
And slowly leaving the ones you love
Stays fresh

5.
It's not getting better

6.
I can't do it by myself

7.
I have to get help

Realizing how deep the cut is
Knowing it can't be fixed over night
Crying all day
Putting up a fight

A fight that can't be won
A fight against my self
Put me in a box
And place me on a shelf

Away from the world
That was so cruel to me
Let me out when it's safe
When I can be free

From what I never wanted
From putting up a fight
Because during war
Nothing ends right

Hearts get broken...
Friends get killed...
Health goes down...
You pop the pills...

But nothing

Not even one thing gets better
Until you learn to live
With your ills

One day
The black and white
Will turn to gray
And you will accept
Nothing has disappeared
Nobody has left

You've passed the test

Strap me down
Tell me no
When I struggle
Punish me

Tickle my sides
Use your fingernails
Make me scream
And beg for mercy

Reward me
When I'm good
But make me ask nicely

Make me blush
Make me pout
Make me cry

Blindfold me
So I don't know what's coming
Gag me
So I can't say a word

Have your fun
You're in charge

I'm yours for the night

Shh
Shush
Shut up
Shut up!
Stop it!
Will you just
Listen
Why does everybody talk and nobody listen?
I know! I know...
You have the right
But it seems the only progress is made by the people who
Talk and talk and talk and talk
They rake in the votes and the likes
but they never once thought if it was just...
or right
"You're a socialist!" "Gays are ruining this country!" "You want to be class president, not with that fat ***" -
DO YOU HEAR YOURSELVES
What is supposed to bring us together is tearing us apart
Differences need to be celebrated, not feared
When is the last time you complemented someone's hair?...
Or smiled at them in the hallway?...
But no
It's only about what you think, what you feel, what you want, what you say
What... you... say...
That's all you'll care about
Until you start to listen