i look at you. and my heart breaks. it breaks and it breaks and it breaks and it breaks. you shatter it and you have done nothing wrong but here i am. bleeding and weeping at the very sight of you. you. you who have always remained true to yourself and others. you who grips kindness and strength and authenticity and love and intelligence to your breast because you would never bear to let such treasure slip through your fingers. you would never bear to succumb to the woes of this world. despite your past. despite that this world has been anything but kind to you in gifting to you depression. anxiety. guilt. anger. and you painted a much more vibrant world with all of the grit blood sweat and tears this one drained out of you. you looked at something that was deemed ugly and you found it beautiful. when a celestial body crumbled in on itself you took the broken pieces it left behind and you molded something new. you hung the moon. you made gold out of rust. grew flowers from cracked dry infertile land. made promises and broke and kept them all the same because you are human and you are beautiful and it breaks my heart. you break my heart. i ache and i ache and i ache at the mere thought that you may ever think all that you do is not enough. that you may ever think you are not enough not worthy not beautiful not wise not enough not enough not enough. don't you see that you are more than any sane human being could ask for. you take your pain and compose from it a beautiful melody. heart wrenching verses mournful refrains choruses echoing with anguished tears and minor keys tug at my heart strings the same way you manipulate the strings within the belly of a grand piano. you play and you play and you rip words from our throats and finally we can breathe and finally we can breathe and finally we can breathe and thank you for giving me a sanctuary thank you for giving me air to breathe for giving me a place to call home for giving me something to love for giving me life. life in its most beautiful form. you. you are my life and i am devoted to you and my heart is breaking. you smash and hit and beat and shatter and break my heart you rip it to shreds and then with a few tinkling piano notes hushed words spoken in your mellow honey voice you fix it you fix it you fix it you fix fix fix it. and i am yours. yours no matter how much heartache i live through. because i am able to live through it. because of you you you you you. you. you are my first love. my love. you are breaking my heart.

You wrote down
Every time you saw a chickadee
When I saw you
You would tell me about them
Never did I see you as happy as when
You talked about those chickadees
Your deep brown eyes grew wide and bright
I swear I could see the whole world in them
Your gestures big enough to swallow
This universe
And the next
And your head on my stomach
Staring up at the sky
Right where we were supposed to be
But now?
Now your eyes are glassy and cold
Your gestures non-existent
Your head lies on a pillow
Which lies on wood
Which lies in the ground
A part of the earth that I used to see in you
And now
Now I don’t see chickadees
Only mourning doves

I am told I am a rock
That I can support the weight of all others
But if I’m holding them
Then who’s holding me?
You fall, and I am there
But nobody wants to catch a boulder

I always feel like nobody asks
But that’s not true
Everyone asks
I just don’t want to answer
I handle it alone
Because the worst kind of person
Is the one that is a burden to others
And nobody weeps for the girl with a smile

Pity is not something I take kindly to
Pity is my arch nemesis
Pity is a display of kindness that I can’t bear to witness
Pity is company
Pity is a crowd because
Pity takes up enough room for two
Pity reminds me that somebody cares
Pity stops me from letting go
Pity holds me back when all I want to do is
Scream and
Rage and
Hate and
Cry and
Burn and
Stew for eternity

Why do we put
our faith,
our trust,
our hope,
into something that will not last
Into something that we know will not last?
That’s human nature.
Somebody tell my why is it human nature?
Somebody tell my why is it human nature to accept pain?
To grin and bear it?
To learn to love it?
To care for it and nurse it as if it was our kin?
To act like it is a part of us?
Something that we cannot rid ourselves of?

Why is it human nature to beg and plead for what hates us
And then turn our back on the thing that loves us most?

It was tangible and invisible
Only seeing with my hands
And I’m not a kinesthetic person
Trapped inside the cage that was your love
I couldn’t see it until it was too late
And I had to break myself out