you were there, with your phone attached
we were there, only two feet apart
tap! tap! tap! i could hear your phone buzz
watching you laughing your lungs out
i love you, i guess, only if that’s allowed
i love you! here and there! surprise!

they came out gentler out of your lips
and i didn’t ask to be conquered by it

twelve back at twenty
hungry hands and dirtier words
wavering affection that won't stay long

ten back at eighteen
none ice cold nor lazy scowl
can it grow when the lights are on?

i pierced your silhouette
through my head like
the twinkled lights you attached
trying to cover my eyes, seal my lips around
you touched me at my
golden hours of self doubts
you filled me in thinking
i had you whole as a legacy
then you left with subtle clicks

you were meant to shine
when we went out at night catching coldness
that was meant to hurt, did your smile delight?
in a place where i wait for the wallowing to end
you told the sky and its darkness to follow us
i hate being away and i hate getting in your way
snap me out of it! clean up the grim!
don't remind me how painful your absences feel!

listen, beloved. it's how i fear they would realize
that this is just another matter of
the utmost romanticized sadness
how i would glorify spitting another hatred

i ache at the places we've been, songs we've heard,
skin we've desired. name it baby you have it
more in me and less in you, the kind that won't be allowed to.

don't scare me now dear; you had it
bloom, you touched it bright, don’t step on it red.
i won't call it (again), love. not now