i showered before i left my house / i took the “god” out of my **** it / i started drinking heavily again / i started dressing nice / i stopped drinking / i watched bad movies on netflix / i gave the arctic monkeys a try / i cried in a field / i felt ok / i started drinking again / i stopped wearing nail polish / i felt comfortable / i wouldn’t sleep / i started making mixes again / i laughed at jokes which weren’t funny / i felt handsome / i wanted to just lay around and talk / i got insecure at times / i felt ok, but more often than not i felt bad

if you give a kid a puppy, he will look at you like he loves you.
if you give me a 4loko i will give you the same look.
i am a grown man sometimes but most times i am a kid.
i think that maybe we are all kids.
maybe you can come over and you can play with my dog
and maybe we could drink 4loko.

put your words on paper.  i want to read them.
i still want to know you.

get text///delete text.
i live my life by ///
get scared ///
run away.
open myself up
///
run away.
run away.
run away.

it's early January and i just met you 3 hours ago.
you're too drunk to drive home so i invite you to stay over.
i show you my favorite simpsons episodes.
we laugh at Principal Skinner.
WHO CAN'T LAUGH AT PRINCIPAL SKINNER?!?
you see the Lemuria sticker on my laptop.
you grab me and scream "I WANT YOUR HANDS IN MY HAIR".
i love you in this moment.
i love this moment and i love you.
i remember this moment and i remember you.
i begin to hate you///you begin to hate me.
we both still listen to Lemuria.
i still want your hands in my hair.
i still want to laugh at principal skinner.

somethings are best left unsaid.
i loved you once///never again.
the dixie cups just came up on shuffle and i am laughing.   i am laughing while they sing "we're going to the chapel".  i am thinking about you.  i am thinking about you but i am also thinking about everyone.   i have cut ties to everyone who has ever shown any affection to me.  i cut ties to everyone.  i wrote you a letter tonight.  i hope you threw it away before reading it.  you threw me away///throw whatever i gave you away.

I hope it wasn’t weird that time I was driving you home and I told you how much I value you as a friend so I bought you a gift certificate for Fridays and I started crying because you told me you never ate there before.

i could leave.  i could go squat at my lakehouse in wisconsin.  i could cut all ties and never speak to anyone ever again.  i could live alone as a ghost or as close to it as possible.  i could eat easy mac every night for the rest of my life. i could watch seinfeld reruns every day until i passed out and then repeat until the disks get scratched beyond repair.

******* up our secret handshake for over 10 minutes because its been the closest I’ve been to holding your hand in over a year.

Trying to sleep on separate couches. We stay up until 6 talking, we sit next to each other when the conversation gets too heavy. I rub your back in hopes you rub mine. My back doesn’t hurt, I’m just hoping for you to show me any sign of affection.

I’m still so ******* in love with you. I wish you wouldn’t tell me that you’re worried about my drinking problem and I wish like ******* wouldn’t call me your best friend.

It’s almost 7 and you’re sleeping inches away from me, but for what it’s worth you’re ******* miles away.

I’m still drunk and I need to drive home in a couple hours. Hopefully I wake up before 2pm sober and not completely torn up inside that another sleepover with you has left me feeling completely pathetic.

one time when i was 16 i met this ******* myspace through mutual friends and we went on a couple dates.  the first time we went out we saw that movie Good Luck Chuck.  it was at this really ***** movie theatre and we made out the majority of the film.  kissing her was fun because she was pretty, but her mouth tasted really bad.  we went out the next week and saw Super Bad.  that movie *****.  i digress.  the girl working at the concession stand asked me if my friend was alright because they were throwing up in the bathroom.  i still continued to kiss her after i found that out.

can we just watch the 3 stooges for the rest of our lives or at least the rest of tonight and just forget about all the ****** things that have been happening?  can you sleep over next weekend and i can make you breakfast in the morning and you won’t complain about my morning breath of coffee and cigarettes?  and we could totally forget about all this *******..  i don’t care anymore.  i’m 21 and i still want a jawbreaker tattoo.  i don’t even know how long they’ve been broken up for.  yeah jets to brazil are ******* rad but nothing will ever compare to 24 hour revenge therapy.  you like the simpsons?  i love the simpsons.  just stay tonight.  please just stay forever.

sleepover.  sleep on separate couches.  handshake goodnight.  can’t sleep.  stay up untill 7am writing.  write you letter.  leave it in shoe.  worry about stupid letter.  wake me up in the morning when you go to school.  sleep in your bed alone.  wake up sad and distraught.  go home.  worry about letter.  spend all day thinking about it. start drinking at 4pm.  stop drinking at 3am.  cry. cry. cry.

you could read the dumb things i write and eat the dumb dinners i cook.  we could stay up all night listening to bomb the music industry.  you could tell me secrets and i could tell you my get-rich-quick schemes.  we could stay up all night watching b-movies on my couch and fall asleep next to each other.  we could be happy the rest of our lives or until things got really awful.  and then we could never speak again.