who was just here
holding my hands
crying with me
who did i look into the eyes to
say, "i love you" to
say, "i can't be with you" to
you're less familiar
than a stranger

this is the part where i say something romantic
like i rather bear great heartbreak
at your hands
than never be with you at all

but the truth is
i rather live a lifetime of longing
questioning, "what if"
than to really know
the answer

he's silver and ivory
a magnet to shine loving eyes
he's a star in his own galaxy
who knows how to bend time
he burns my palms with his brilliance
yet i lavish in the flames
he breathes life with his resilience
and i wish to be the same
he is wrapped in a prayer
i whispered so softly into the night
nothing else can compare
to how it feels to bask in his light
is it passion or fear
or is it the feel of the flames
is he tortured or sincere
a candle, or a fire that can't be tamed

i loved you because you actually listened when i spoke
years later i found out
you didn't hear a word i said
i fell in love with your fiction
and spoke you to life in my heart as truth

If i was a flower
You’d be a branch in my roots
If i was a tree
You’d be reason for my fruit
If i was grass
I’d model my blades after you
If i were a bird
I’d fly wherever you flew
If i was cement
You’d be the concrete that created me
If i was a bench
You’d be my legs providing stability
If i were a blanket
You’d be woven in my threads
If i were a shoe
You’d be my treads

No matter what i’d be in this world
I’d always have pieces of you
I’m a mosaic of everyone i love
And, mommy, you are my glue.

Sita smiles as i bring her a sandwich
Two toasts with butter, ham, and cheese
And yet sita smiles as if i've made her a 5 course meal
Sita smiles as i make her a drink of my own recipe
‘Thank you pepe’ she says
And brandishes a glass of mysterious content
She hasn’t tasted it yet
But still she smiles

Sita cheers for me as i run down the soccer field
She’s waiting for me with a hug, even after games i don't play
From the bench
I can see her smile
Sita is waiting in the car i've known my whole life
‘How was school’ she says
Always with a smile

‘I'm coming home Sita’
It's been 2 years since i've seen her
She doesn’t ask when
She doesn't ask how
She smiles

‘I can't come home Sita’
It's the day after the flight i couldn’t get on
She doesn’t ask when i can
She doesn’t ask but I tell her how I missed it
I tell her i love her and will see her soon
She smiles

It's been 3 years since i've seen her
Sita tells me she has cancer
I tell her she's the strongest person i know
I love her
She smiles

‘I promise i’ll fly out to new zealand to see you’
The last time we spoke
She tells me she hates the food there
I think about how i’ll make her a sandwich, like i used to
I tell her it’ll be okay, she’ll be okay
‘I love you Sita, I promise I’ll see you soon’
She doesn’t ask when
She doesn’t ask how
Sita looks at me, the face I’ve known all my life
And she smiles

there is always a drought
a lack of tears on my cheeks
then reminders of you come around
and suddenly i'm drowning

when did i love you
become such a painful thing
to say and still feel

there is a thin line between love and hate
i know because i tightrope walk
on the wavering difference
dreaming of you at night
blocking you in the morning
keeping you at an arms length
reveling in your feel at my fingertips
at the thought of you
i'm both filled with dread
and butterflies

we were just friends when you kissed me
just friends when we held hands
just friends when you said you missed me
and yet i wish
to at least be just friends again

i'm okay with loving you from here
gushing from far away
you don't have to wipe my tears
or put your hand on my face
i can love enough to cover the distance
bridge a gap between you and i
just enough to get near you
but not enough to have you in sight
i can love you secretly
truly,
and deep down
i can love you discreetly
tell my full heart
to not make a sound
i can love you from this far
put those feelings on a back shelf
i can miss you and check in on you
and love you just for myself

my heart has been beating
a tune that sounds like you
i recognized the music
and snapped my heart in two
i chained it to my chest
drowned it with my tears
made it love someone else
scared it with my fears
and still it beats out its rhythm
though broken and out of tune
still it smiles at your image
and still it loves you

time ticks
and never stops
today we're here
and soon we're not
the clock talks back
you can hear it ticking
but present becomes past
the closer you listen
and when you look back
you'll think "oh my"
you'll check your watch
and say "look at the time"
because time ticks
and it never stops
and one day we were there
and now, suddenly
we are not

love is strange in that
it dyes its hair every week
wears too much makeup
but tries to be discreet
it can sneak up on you
or be so obvious its more of a glare
it can be welcomed and expected
or feel more unfair
love is strange in that
i can never tell when its here
im always looking far away
but shockingly love is always near
its in the cracks of the sidewalk
the spoon that which i eat soup
it sits right next to me on the bus
and looks a lot like you
it holds my hand when i cant sleep
and i feel it when you call my name
and even if i've known love before
those now dont feel the same
this love is different
more joy, less pain
i hope your love is the final version
i pray for this love to never change

my body grows with age
stretches, rolls, shapes
my body breathes and expands
fills up bowls and plates
it can brave tides
soak up sun
with unchanging eyes
and a sharpened tongue

but i pull apart the crafted curves
pick at every scar
cover up till it's all unheard
and wish on every star
wish for a smaller body
a bottle with a stronger cap
this one is too overflowing
and i dont know what to do with that
i want a better bottle
with clearer, glistening skin
i want a better vessel
to keep all my inside stuff within

but would life be as fun without the adventure
the steep hills and storms create
would it be me if it wasn't chaos
a painting even the creator cannot replicate

i want a better body
but what if the better is this
because what could be better than the body
that you were handcrafted and made in

can i just
stay here
pooling in our memories
can i stay lovesick
sincere
and look for no remedy
can i love you forever
even if you wouldn't know
can i just miss you dearly
and love you alone

you're picking up the pieces
of a heart you didn't break
witnessing this damage
all cracks are on display
you're tripping on wires
set up for different feet
you're walking on eggshells
and you cant miss a beat
if you do there'll be a flood
greater than any have gone through
and you will wipe away the tears
none of which are for you
and you'll have to hear their name
come up every now and then
and hear your own heart break
over and over again

in another time
another place
there is a version of me
that made different mistakes
maybe a few less
maybe a few more
but i wonder how many versions
ended up at your door
i wonder how many
had their own key
i wonder how many
witnessed you drop to one knee
i wonder how many
get to sleep next to you every night
i wonder how many
never needed to say goodbye
i wonder how many
stayed with you since our youth
and in truth
i just wonder if i'm the one version
that won't end up with you
so i look to another time
another place,
i wonder if we last forever -
or if i still get replaced

i run from you in dreams
i run from you in life
scared of what may come
from making the same mistake twice

the wish granters must be confused
because i wish for love
when it sits in my lap
i wish for pain
when i've just gotten my heart back
it's like wishing for sun
when it's only rained once this year
it's like pinning up problems
that only take minutes to disappear
and yet i still wish for music
but only hear a certain tune
i wish for someone
but won't accept anyone that's not you

suddenly i believe in ghosts
with the way you appear in the background
how is it possible to hear you
when there's no one else around
i feel your touch
when you hug me in my dreams
you say 'i missed you'
and i realize i do too it seems
i try to forget you
and never has there been a task as daunting
because the only thing i have left of you
is your subtle and distant haunting

dancing on lily pads
swimming in raindrops
learning from plants how to dance
teaching ants hopscotch

using cracks as trails
potholes are basins
leaves that fall never fail
to leave behind a sprout to replace it

i’m singing with spring
in my own springish world
hoping that all this light means
eternal spring for this springy girl

my favorite dreams
are the ones you appear in
am i in yours too?

a memorial
is still being held in my mind
why can't i say bye

it's a game now

picking out our memories like poppy seeds -
that didn't sprout on time.

pulling feelings straight from my chest
onto the table under white light
with a shaking knife not willing to dissect

it's a movie that i can't look up the ending to

i feel the jostle of every plot twist
it's cinderella but no shoe fit

it's guessing and waiting and being wrong every time.

it's writing our names in hearts...
calling you mine
when you have no heart to name,
just two faces and lies

it's thinking this is forever
when never is looking more like the right time

has a wound ever
made you grin like this one has
can i smile and bleed?

to write
when you don't know
is to think
and hope you're right

you pick a flower and get mad at the thorns
for drawing blood from your skin
the thorns were just there first
its just protecting what is its

you live in the people i know
the books i read
the lips that touch mine
you live in my favorite songs
my poetry
between the words and lines
i close my eyes and you stare back at me
i open them and see you in the blue of the sky
no matter what i do you overpower any view,
song,
book,
person,
feeling,
memory -
each and every time

and so here we find ourselves surrounded by empty bottles
once filled with false cheer
and we use them to cap our sighs to prolong the inevitable
which is the only thing made clear
to us
we are open flames exposed to refrigerator frost
we are old wooden cabinets which become chow food for termites
we are laundry baskets beyond breaking because we are not satisfied with the clean of our clothes
we are empty love museums and countless bar fights
we were once everything and had everything in our hands
but we realized what we were missing was a smile that wasn't planned
a laugh that wasn't staged
a page of a long paragraph that wasn't written a day in advance
we had no surprise
yet we still thought we had it all, and it was tough
it was hard to admit that just us didn't make us happy
it was hard to admit that just us wasn't enough

i paint my toenails blue
so that when i look down
when i let my head fall
i can see
how sad the color is
and maybe, i will decide
that it doesn't look good on me
and i'll smile
so that my insides won't be
permanently dyed blue
because God forbid i be ugly
on the inside
especially since i am so see through
and every time
the paint wears
i find a darker shade
and everytime
i find a way not to care
i remove it
or let it fade
into a lighter blue
into a happier blue
something that will be pleasing
something that will please
you

how many times will it rain
how many clouds, full, will pass over my head
how many pillows will i cry into
until i finally leave my bed

how can i stay sane
when i can't even stand to open my eyes
the rain keeps it dark anyway
i can barely tell morning from night

how can i look into your eyes
when my eyelashes are weighed down with raindrops
i peel through clouds for the sun
but the rain is nonstop

how many times will it rain
how many times will i lay crying in my bed
how many times will i not hate you for these tears
how many times will i love you instead

-Y

it's this feeling of helplessness
like a thundering, stormy sky
changing from it's once calmness
to a heartbreaking, loud cry

it's dangling on a thin string
knowing there's nothing that could help pull you up
not knowing what death will bring
waiting for your life line to give up

this feeling of inevitable defeat
the feeling you engraved in my skin
it's the taste of our love, oh so bittersweet
it's knowing that your thunder will always win

-Y