at first i was the side dish, the banquet was full with only you two and i did not understand your spark. i was in love with part of the meal and your addition left me feeling hollow, jealous, and lost. i thought, what am i bringing to the table. what am i.
then, we tried to be tied together, through sheer force of will. she loved me and she loved you, and why not bring two planets together and create a whole system, and who else but her can be strong enough to move comets. and so we moved, didn't collide at first, i admit. back then i was still lonely and scared, still hated myself more than i realized. i liked you enough to stay, but i didnt like me enough to try. so the planets turned, and the creator waited, and me, i found other stars to play with.
i don't remember much about how it went. i know you tried so hard to make me speak, and i barely did. i was too far gone in my own head back then, couldn't stand existing around people without having a meaning. but you tried. and i ended up speaking. the planets, they have hearts too, but the rock is so thick, the core so protected, layers and layers and layers..
at some point, it got too much to be alone, probably. i was okay with it, because i've been alone so long and all i needed was to find me.
but you, you couldn't take it. the creator offered you something so brave and then got it back piece by piece. this is what hurt you the most, right ? the replacement. the second place. you can't stand it, to be tossed aside. but i saw it in you then ; the planet's core. and i wanted so badly to touch it.
we turned and turned, around each other, planet to planet, alive. you needed a rock, and i was solid enough. you didn't love me yet, i think, but i loved you already. i fell into your orbit, didn't realize the fall would hurt. the comfort i brought you ended up hurting me back. i wasn't the banquet, i wasn't the galaxy, the creator, the first hand to reach for you, i wasn't grand, wasn't bright, wasn't enough for you. but i tried so hard. i tried so hard and i lost myself in it. i became the replacement meal, not as good as the first, not as alluring, but it feeds you, right ? it's good enough to settle hunger. not the best, i know, but the only one who stayed.
and so it went. i was hurting. for one reason or the next, my orbit is always a chaos and you just added to the mess. i saw your core, but could not understand how it loved. surely, it could not love me. but i was wrong, i know now. you loved me for me. what i gave you, it was me too. and the orbit we danced around, it was ours, and not yours only. opened my heart to you, served on a platter, and waited for you to give me yours too.
we did collide then, didn't we. i was the galaxy, pulled you in, held you close, protected you like you protected me. we burned too bright, blinded everyone around us. it's okay, they'll watch and learn, they will. i told you i loved you first, and waited for you to be ready. the waiting used to be so hard, but i trust you now, and i trust me too, you see the galaxy in me and i do too, just like i see in you.
i'm afraid now. not for us, stupid lovebirds that we are, because i will never stop chosing to dance in our orbit. no, i'm afraid for you. i want everyone to love you as much as i do. i want you to love them too. i hope you will. i hope your heart soars, lets the stars out and shine brighter than any sun. hope we grow and expand and love,
even more.
nov 30 2019