the sun will burn out
one day

it seems
this is a paradox
it is the sun
after all

light
warmth
life

the heat on your face in the summer
can eventually run out
of marb red cigarrettes

burning on a meal a day

sometimes i wonder
how can she do it

laughing down on you
like the smiling baby face
on pbs kids
incessantly

bringing inspiration
the reason
for
well

everything

to create
eat
just
just

hiding behind cloudy skies
which are metaphors
uplifting wet concrete bones
which are metaphors
in the stark of shivering sadness
not a metaphor

i am alaska
six months of darkness

sleep sun
eat sun
scream!!

the last thing I want you to do is leave
the first thing I want you to do is leave

it is not your fault i have these feelings for you
I will not burden you with the knowledge
of my deep deep
....

when i think of you my eyes get heavy
a smirk forms across my face like gingerbread

my chest feels like a woofer slamming to the beat of my heart

so many cliche ways of saying

i feel for you

more importantly

i do not want to affect your trajectory
your goals
art
passion

is why my heart feels plump as a plum
where it felt like stale bread less than a month ago

i count every moment with you and feel it is sacred
i wish to spit out my feelings like a crazy daisy

am i naive to think no one notices?
how i stare
smile at every word
can't keep my invisible hands
off
you

most memories have faded from me
narcotics stole my soul

you reminded me that i had one

now
i understand radiohead songs

i glance over inbetween heads of people
just enough to get a look
but covered enough to hide if i get caught

almost every poem i have written is about a man
why is that
why must i fall in love with every creature i deem beautiful

why do i feel this sense of NEED to have you when
you've been in my life
less than a month

more importantly i feel the NEED for you to NEED me
WHY

more importantly
you fall in love?

only for me to crash it down?
only for me to detach
and walk away
as if i never felt a thing

why am i someone who yearns for something until they achieve it

and when it is achieved there is no use

what do i really want?

sometimes i see you in my dreams
this could be seen as painful
for i will never have such a time with you
in reality.

but maybe we should all look at this as a blessing

when i see you there are no fights
i am not nervous
and we both seem to forget the hate we have
the anger we have
the sadness
regret
towards one another

it is peaceful
merely two people crossing paths once again

we are polite
and curious
and we listen to one another

so maybe when i see you in my dreams
i should treat it as a loved one from the grave

although you are very much living
all the love we had was dead now

i will be content with only seeing you
in my dreams
in fact - i’ll look at it as a blessing

better to see you
in a pure figment if my love for you
to not see you at all

or to see you
with anger stricken on your face
from the very sight of me

without
the pain in my stomach and forever lump
in my throat

we can just be
just
be
around each other

i suppose it is better
than nothing at all

sometimes our pain shows in our dreams
and i see you there

I still have the Skype app on my phone
I hadn't used it since the 11th grade
But now it takes up my phone's memory
Just in case you might call

You know it's been what?
5 days? A week?
**** still *****

We hadn't even started
and here I am in this anguish

Maybe that's why it hurts

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream

Wow that really sinks it's teeth into my charred heart now doesn't it

I can smell you in my brain still
Feel my hand in your hair
your wide chest made my broad shoulders feel like elegant vines

you made me feel beautiful
makeup barely touches my face these days
every time i take the black stick and brush my eyelashes
i hear your voice
"Don't do it! You don't need it."

...

I just want to laugh with you again.
Funny - what I would give
to be in a hotel room
worried about my period
drinking Jack with a boy
that I've had a crush on since the 11th grade...

...

Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out

of my life?

This is why my heart feels like it is pumping tar
instead of blood.

I don't understand why this happened to me
why did "God" bless me with such a memorable month
only to pull it from underneath me?

I am like a toddler that gains the momentum to walk
only to trip on my own feet
and barrel head first into a coffee table.

But worse-off
I didn't end up with a harry potter scar
but a physical pain in my chest
made up by a feeling... in my head?

THIS is why I think I'm crazy-
Because how could any sane person
fall in love
with someone
she saw for a month
mostly through a computer screen?

Is it?

Is it possible

To fall in love

In one night

In La Crosse, WI

in a hotel room

a walk down a torn up road

a makeout at a random bar

catching a cab

falling asleep

and waking up

in the same position

because

it

felt

like

home.



is it? is it possible?

you were a blip of light in the dark
a firefly floating close to your face
you catch a glimpse in time to see the magic
and then it is gone

like the first sip of a fresh bottle of coke
that doesn't quite taste the same later

although it was a small moment
the smiles and laughs
are ingrained in me like a S + Z in an old oak tree

but now the oak tree has been torn down and forgotten
so now only the memory lives on

i think what hurts the most is your beauty
and how you failed to see it

how every curvature of your being was exactly
what i pictured
perfect would be like

how i felt like i was 16 again swooning over you from the shadows

how every moment i had the opportunity to speak with you
was like a dream come true
but i guess that is exactly it

a dream

something you wake up from and have trouble remembering
you pick for the pieces of shattered glass but they disintegrate with every touch
until the dream in merely a spirit floating in your head
whispering hints of your touch
and how your arms felt around me

IM SO ANGRY
that i only had one moment with you

that I AM SO ******* FAR AWAY
from all the love I want

it could be so different
i'm crying now

i had less than 72 hours with you
and if i could i would replay the night over and over
memorize the details

your kiss

BECAUSE I AM SO ANGRY!!!

this place has robbed me of all of my happiness and i don't know how i'm going to make it out alive....

I'M SO SCARED YOU ******* SCRUB IM SO ******* SCARED

AND YOU AREN'T EVEN HERE ANYMORE TO HELP ME

IM SO ******* SCARED I JUST WANT TO ******* DIE

IM SOBBING

IM SOBBING

IM SOBBING


and then i shut it off

and i am numb






all


over



again