I search restlessly for a way to make you see
see that its not okay
I'm not okay
please see that
please
I can't do this anymore
I just want to die
literally
I can't stand it
life is too much
stress
sadness
anxiety
I need help
your help
you

happy
sad
crazy
depressed
in love
i feel
everything
at once
this rush
is what
i love
and
hate

not bad enough
to be not good enough

She sat down at the bar right next to me.
She was looking kind, she was looking kinda *****.
She said she saw me a crossed the bar.
Really wanted to buy me a drink.
Red lip stick, glitter in her hair.
A red summer dress, a piercing stare.
Grey with a blue shade.
Leather boots as high as her knees.
She had me at "Can I buy you a drink?"

And we hit it off from there.
It was sweet, it was cool, it was something else.
It was love, it was hate, confusing as all hell.
I pushed her around, she forces me down.
And we hit it off from there.

She sat down next to me in the light.
Another cobwebbed Saturday night.
Said she saw me a crossed the room.
Said I didn't feel right.
And its the same old story.
She says I was looking too lonely.
And she was cute, she was ****, oh she was kinda *****.
Black laced eye liner and black lipstick.

And we hit it off from there.
It was sweet, it was cool, it was something else.
It was love, it was hate, confusing as all hell.
I pushed her around, she forces me down.
And we hit it off from there.

Its the same old story, another night another sorry.
Another role play, another morning.
And she isn't ever you.

And so we hit it off from there.
It was sweet, it was cool, it was something else.
It was love, it was hate, confusing as all hell.
I pushed her around, she forces me down.
And we hit it off from there.

That instinct
You have
When you're this depressed
And
Every time
You're in the
Stainless Steel kitchen
And your mom
Is stirring soup at the stove,
And a dribble of
Tomato basil
Slobbers down the side
Of the black pan.

And there's still
A knife out
From when
Tomato intestines
Sprawled across a cutting board,
Which is now in the
Soap-water sink.

You feel it,
In that second.
Instinct.
Need, really.
To take it
And slice open your wrists,
Or maybe just one,
If you're having a good day.

You seriously consider it.
It isn't just a thought.
It can
Scare you, really.

You want-
And one day, might need-
To pick up that knife
And do bad things.
Things that good girls
Wouldn't dream of.

But you don't do it,
And you won't do it,
Because your mom is right there
Stirring soup
And ignoring tomato drool.

And it's such short notice,
You haven't written your note yet.

desperate desperation despair
weak weaknesses weakening
breaking broke broken
I'm not asking you to understand

Everyday I hang myself
I nail myself
I staple myself to the wall

Everyday I bleed myself
I let myself
I rub my blood out in the hall

Everyday I hate myself
berate myself
I get out of bed and mandate myself
to update myself
to curate myself
Artist the **** up and create myself

Everyday I design myself
define myself
I put on my face and outline myself

Everyday I dissect myself
I correct myself
Take out my parts and infect myself

I change myself
rearrange myself
I paint all my organs and stain myself

Everyday I reword myself
martyr myself
Use the strings from the Beats to suture myself

I collect myself
Resurrect myself
My volition in life; to perfect myself

If I fail myself
derail myself
I'll have nothing but a cheap veil of myself;
a shattered bulb
a melted fuse
a pack of matches burned and used.

No supernova,
glory,
fame.
No concrete star,
with golden name.

Forgotten, faded,
dusty muse.
Mona Lisa,
cut and bruised.
My blood still smeared all down the hall,
my skin still nailed up to the wall.
My body scarred from mutilation,
mapped attempts at self-creation.
A jagged,
torn up,
constellation,
The Hero of Humiliation.

Don't we all fear failure's kiss?
For if you shoot
for the moon
and miss,
*you'll rot away in the abyss.