I wasn't sure if:

A. My heart was broken

Or

B. My bra was stabbing me in the heart

The rain clouds gather above my head
Another day just beginning
Already misguided and ruined

The sun is lost behind a dark expanse
I should have known my happiness was not to last
Like all good things, they pass

The blackness of the sky
Cannot frighten me anymore
Its is just another closed door

I learned so long ago to shut out
To curl into a ball and block out the world
To become numb, to survive

I cannot depend on anything or anyone
Love is weakness and I am strong
On my own I know I cant make it

Take my heart but please don't break it
Use my broken glass
And you can build a window

Then even though I am scared
You can see clearly again
Frame me and place me on a wall

Out of sight out of mind
In a another dimension
Another time

This world has no magic
But this world has so much power
How do you survive

In a world filled will lies
The eyes watch and they burn my soul
They keep me at bay from my purpose

Is this life all but worthless
A birth into a sodden grave
With one reason to survive

Last night I was hurting
I felt six years old, again
No matter how loud the music plays
How hard I cover my ears
I cannot change
The way my mothers voice sounds
It echoes from the inside

I do not remember you
You are a strange man
A nightmare
When you crawl into my bed
Your touch all too familiar
I am a mute
To your headless horseman
We are both ghosts
You, passing through my body
Haunting, screaming, possessing
And I, a detached soul
Slipping from a warm body

I ask myself
Maybe my father never knew love
That is why he cannot show it
I turn to look at my youngest brother
I never knew love either
But to him
I cannot help but show it

Run me back
To the house on the hill
To where the trees grow thicker
Perhaps that is where I get my skin from
Today, it will not hold my rage
Still, I feel contained

Your words were dripping with affection
As if honey was falling from the sky

I am wanted by none
What good is plump fruit on the vine
If none pick it from the tree
It just spoils in the heat of the sun
No matter how sweet

If I could name your steps
I would call them sweet destruction
There wake is painful as a crashing wave
And there is none left be to save
Your heavy steps fade away
But the pounding in my head only rises
And the ache of my heart is the beat of the world
My very breathe is frosted and cooled on stone hearts
But sweet destruction I blame you for walking away

Whisper softly to me
Through the seams of your pillow
For just one night
Let my dreams be sweet
Carried in slumber
By the sound of your voice

You have to push me
Or I will never move

You have to carry me
So I can learn to walk

Each of these past days
I have crawled back further into my shell

And if you do not reach
For me right now
I may never see the sun again

So kiss me once
For it may very well be my last

And say goodnight
To the heart you love more than you know

For the darkness comes
And I have not the strength to hide

Sweet sorrow
And oh so much fear
And every night is like a tear

My constant
    Is filling the space
              Over the edge

Right before it clicks that I should be afraid I am falling

Here I am doing both
Living and writing
Healing and grieving
The multidimensional complexity that life holds
All wrapped up in the swirls if my palms
My body holds so much time
Lived out
Not every scar is sad
My white lines like the layers of a tree
You can see the growth

I have lived things in my life
That are torture
For body, mind, and soul

I am off center today
Drifting from the middle
I wonder
What is wrong

Perhaps, more adequately
What was wrong
Is taking space in today

I am not a gentle healer
I am rage
I am anger against this fragile body
I am impatient
Against all the time it has taken
I have cursed my tongue
With my own words
For every time she was silent
Broken my skin against my bones
For when she was not strong enough

I am god-awful ugly
In-between all my attractions
That is the part I see
Seeping in-between the cracks

It is no matter
I am just matter
Does anything matter
Or is simply that thought taboo

I tried to catch the time,
       but it slipped between my fingers
                           I needed to slow it down
                                   So I could get back to you
                                                                            but
                                     I didn't realize it was me
            Who was making it take to long
      To get back to you, my love
So I am sorry, take your time

Love doesn't hurt
Love doesn't hit

Then why did you tell me it did
I chose to believe
And you chose to leave

I am left alone stranded in a tree
With no one here to comfort me

You are the duct tape
That holds all my broken stuff together

With a caution tape warning
On every piece

Careful.

Dangerous.

Hazardous.

little one
oh how you pepper me with questions
and this
this is the spice of life

You are the sting of a needle in my skin
It is a bite
And a kiss
To make something beautiful

If I could write on your heart I'd engrave a soul

A departure no matter how sweet, never as much as the return
An old tongue roots himself again in my mouth
Reigns my words as they rise up behind my teeth
My lack of you is devout, and your return a worship may be
The knots we tie are ancient
I hear the cairns at the door to the nine realms whisper the words in my heart
You are missing, from me
Stones cry out when you hold your tongue
Do I know all things now
Or only those of little consequence to Odin

I brewed tea
Just to let my tears
Sit in the mug on the windowsill
The cool outside air
Stealing my cold inside thoughts

You tassel your tears to your face
As if they were your most beautiful garments
As they drip from your chin
They become pearls around your neck
What is loss, when you felt love
And so you overflow

I think the tears that slip out the corners of your eyes when you are laying on your back in your bed are the saddest

Just one drop of water on the roof of shame
Just one drop sliding down my window pane
Just one drop falling from my eye
Just one drop saying goodbye

Just one tear on my silent face
Just one tear taking your place
Just one tear that is silent and cold
Just one tear alone and bold

Just one drip falling up the hill
Just one drip silent and still
Just one drip standing for the burn
Justo one drip to teach and to learn

Just one bead on a soaked string
Just one bead wanting for nothing
Just one bead on its own path
Just one bead running oh so fast

Just one drop hiding from the sun
Just on tear still on the run
Just on drip falling from a star
Just one bead tell me where you are

Scrub the wood
Hard from the floor
As if it was water

Tell me what it is like
To have a father
One who comes when you call
One who’s voice you recognize
At whisper and not anger
Tell me what it is like
To be sheltered by strong hands
Before you go out into the world
Tell me what it is like
To learn strength from example
And not necessity

I do not know you
Because of who you are
Rather, the parts of you
I see in myself
If they were not so familiar
I would tear them out

I wish you had healed, for yourself
And for me
But there are no shooting stars
No second chances

I am further from you now
It doesn’t not matter
If we are a thousand leagues apart
When under the same roof
I was as inconsequential
Blood and strangers
Father and daughter

Tell me what it is like
To carry a burden
That weighs nothing to you
Tell me what it is like
Not to stumble
Under the shadow
Of your heavy fist

I do not care
If you are proud of me in secret
You do not know me
I do not care to be know

Do you remember when I was little?
I had a nightmare the whole house
Came down around us
It was terribly dark in the rubble
Once.
You comforted me
Once.

I am not dreaming now
The house has come down
Not from the rafters
From the foundation
It was not strong
Not solid
Not able

Tell me what it is like
To pour your anger out
Like water into the cups of children
Tell me what it is like
When you cannot quench their thirst
Tell me you will change
Tell me you are sorry
Tell me you can do better
Tell me I was worth being good for
Every time I counted my pennies
I come up short changed

I would not know
The man who says these things
He is not my father.

I knew I felt something
When you could raise anger in me
But I could not hold it against you

Touching is not a sin
Within these pillars
The temple of my body, I call home.
There are no prayers to be found
Between the dryness of my lips
And where you left me
With the wetness of my eyes
Singing its hymn to the martyrs before

Their hands have gone cold
In the silence of my secrets
These martyrs knock their bones together
As if trying to make fire
Could turn back time
As if their ivory stamina
Could voice its plea
There is blood on the walls in their temples

I hear the foolish cry out
With a voice that has never known lack
That condemned buildings are only meant to be torn down
That the bricks of my house were meant to return to dust
Buried in the mortar of my memories, blown in the wind
Unbuilt with no remorse
Leaving mortar scars in the earth

If the walls of my temple could speak
Her concrete lips would part
Revealing timber teeth
If her tongue was not sewn shut with shame
She would begin with a whisper
For she has never brought her voice up from the basement before

Her breath, stumbling over the threshold finds its footing
A guttural cry makes its way forth
A voice that blows doors off its hinges
A voice that only does cosmetic damage
As it attempts to touch your heart
Where it has never been reached

The cornerstones
Begin to talk
You were told even the stones cry out
It is too late for them now and too dark
The sky was almost crying
The heavens on the verge of tears

It is too late
I came undone
Because you can't tether fingers
As much as I wanted to tie ropes
To the nerve endings of my extremities and pull with all my strength
Pull them back to my heart
So they could be safe
Feel safe
Carry to the grave
Words I could not whisper to you in the dark

What prayers could I offer
To a temple torn down in anger
What words would I give
To the grave of my being
Whose hymns still ring out
Into the night, crying
Dust to dust
Ashes to ashes

Will my body forgive me
For the market I hold in her temple
Sins for a denarius
A farthing for a night under her tapestries
When you could be watching stars
Stars shine the same whether you clutch a ticket or a match
They love to be the last thing burning out at night
I am not close to their light
Burning seems of little consequence to me
Look upon the stars
Find them more patient than I in stamina
I more soluble in my regrets

The sun begins pulling cloud tears back from the earth
Agels whisper the innocence of the world into the atmosphere
The stratosphere knows nothing of our regrets
She does not see fingers crossed behind our backs
Knowing nothing of pennies given for promises
Promises given for free
Plastic coins for a lover
Nothing in my pockets for me

Hold your secrets under my skin
Knowing you let the night carry you away
You can take it back
These are the dreams in the desert
In the sun, under the mountains
Those who journey on foot
Knowing that knocking on doors means being turned away

My desire to cling to you
Is the cold that pushes you away
You are the oranges in the snow
A cold citrus kiss
I know your real name
With no courage to spit it out
These hands are clenched
No room for promises here
Between your fingers and skin
You grip regret so tight
One truth that will not abandon you
Biting not the hand that feeds
Go hungry
When a morsel is a memory
Dreams a feast to you
Regret devours all but bones

Anger has chosen your words for today
She is your strong horse
You will not bare the weight of the reins
A bit does not taste much of metal
When there is blood on your hands
Your prayer today
You have hope tomorrow, to hope for tomorrow
Time is a feather, fool
You give her flight for the price of falling
These coins in my pockets are for you
To make my steps lighter
A copper face is nothing
When you have seen the writing on the walls

e pluribus unum

they call me legion

How many hands will you give me
How many dealt
To count my sins on my fingers

misertus est enim stulti

stultus est misericordia sicut vilis ut eius precibus

When the walls speak will you listen

Drag my fears to altar
Sacrificing sleep to make peace
With shadows dancing on the walls
Penance is a costly coin
I count sins like pennies in a jar
Plunking copper in vain
In a well that has not run dry
A well that knows nothing of my sins
No knowledge of my wishes

My temple is crumbling
Age has never met mercy
Time's cohorts know no pity
These pillars hold up shambles of a roof
Holding together is a dry hope for heavy skies

Will you lay with me
On the coolness of the stone
When the final hour awakens
Creeping in to steal the heat of your skin
Finding bashfulness looking upon the stars
This is the same sky
I see in the dark part of your eyes

I have longed for these constellations an eon and a half
Concrete in my reasoning
A stone knife on a stone table
The world is not as you know her
Or as she seems
Her spinning does not dizzy you
You crave stability
Do not leave footprints in the sand

This incense is unburnt in my lungs
Light me up once again
Can I unbreathe your memory
To unlearn threads
Unwound in my tapestries
I wait, unpatiently
For your silken voice to whisper
"Come to the light"

Promises whispered in the dark
Kept beneath the moon
Rafters of my temple an accord
The trembling of my foundation will not strike
You cannot move a stone mind
As all things are made
They can be undone
Your apologies sway them not

I will meet with you
Come down from the mountains
My words become those most familiar in your mouth
You were worshipping gods in the valley
Gods that have no home
My name nearly forgotten
My words not written in stone
Concrete in their absence
Absent of light, hope, pain
We move in our own way
Bear my cross as the wood it is
Not the worries or weight of the world
Meant for another's shoulders
Feel the joy of the world
None of her aching
A delicate life is not cheaper
Lashes on my back speak
To a crown of thorns
I am no deity
No matter what I eat, drink
How wise I speak
Ichor does not flow through me
Humanity is liquid, thoughts fluid
Hopes dry, day by day
Each day is new, I water them the same
May they bloom as never before
Beautiful things are for you
Whether I bear them or not
The stars will lay themselves at your feet one day
In the holiest part of your temple
Walls adorned with things that have passed
Paint that is fresh
Things that will one day be known
I see them coming
I prayed them for you
On the rooftop of this temple
Call the stars down
When you know them by name
Call me to you
A voice echoing of marble
I will come
Just as I am
As you are

Hold up the sky and give me fire
Give up the stars that crown your head
Hold the night in your hand
Before you bestow it upon mortals

Now I am known
Brighter than ever before
Wind me around your fingers
I will undulate in crystal light
Dancing for galaxies
Far beyond our own

Your temples in this world
Unprepared for the next
Stones die
Hymns live, on my tongue
Parting ways
Syllable splitting from taste
Cleaving to particles dancing in sunlight
Equally yoked
Bearing the weight of sins, unspent
Blessings, unfelt
Dreams weaving themselves as a coat
Around a man
In slave to his own folly

Here we bow
At the foot of mountains
Gods carved in stone
Refusing to speak
Begging for water to pour forth
When you will not even wash your feet
Memory is fluid
Dry your hands
The beast rising up from water
Seven stars for each of his crowns
A crown for each of his heads

Make a way into the mountains
You will learn of sacrifice, obedience
Your steps belong to the beaten path
I ******* myself with my own hands
Drag my legs through the dust
A child's prayers are better words
Than my liar of a tongue could conjure
Does God not remember me
How will I honor him again
When his name is dry and old in my throat

My nails crack and splinter
Digging into your thigh
The crows see flesh
I see pain
Red rivers running down your leg

Your voice splits like wood
This is a prayer
When you seek God in pain
Laying your cards out in the sun
Bargaining with the maker
For an ending
When you hold only beginnings for trade
When things are well
Your prayers twiddle their thumbs
Now, the heat rises
Your pockets are empty
Not so your hands

Who will bring me before the altar
Hold the curtains back
Who will speak for me
When my words are worthless
I dare not look upon God
I know he walked with me
Footprints in the sand
A sinners mark
Gashes open, running, on my wrist
A sinners mark
Mark of the beast
I cry
Sound splitting from tangibility
Fingers clutching at empty air

Who can look upon God
Who can know him
When he waited for me
Called me, by name
Who can spit in his face
Do not we all
Curse and swear
Spelling out our anger
Humanity is fickle
We are all fools here
Washing our feet
In the sweat of our brow
Pride is an anvil to the foot of success
You carve your gods into the mountain
Beg then to come down
To call down rain
To bring you up to the throne
If they seat you on their throne
Then you know they are made by man
Not you, you are made by hand
Tears of God still run
In the valley where he named you

We are peasants.
Tearing the hair from our own head
As if it clothed the tabernacle
When the cross was erected
The skull you hold between your hands
Is the holy of holies

Here we dance
Descrating each other in the name of love, lust and wanderlust
******* our fingers into locust and honey
That it would drip off your lips
A gluttons lies are no sweeter
Than the lies you hide under your tongue

The plates are shifting
Who will remember my name
The sun will dry me
I am dust again

If my body is a temple
As those who worship
The god of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob profess
Then there is blood on the walls
If it is a temple
Who is it devoted to
Who will be the sacrificial lamb

I cannot be both temple and offering

I watch your back
Glisten in the sun
Building my church
Laying a strong foundation
For my temple
It is a labor of love

I am waiting now
To teach you my gospel
Did you see my scripture
Ink saturating scrolls
So it is written
So it is done

We are still in the middle
Unfurl me
Tender fern in spring
They are singing our chorus
Beyond the hill
Playing stringed instruments
Fiddlehead
I am not god
Or angel
Figurehead

I am the woman at the well
Bow your head
Drink from my cupped hands
Communion
This is my body
This is my bread
Sit at my table
Feast as if judgement day is here
Last supper

I will wash your feet
With tenderness
With tears
With perfume and oil
There is no shame in these 4 walls
At the alter
I say my prayers of thanksgiving
That I am no longer 40 years in the desert
Burn my offering with sweet oil
As the aroma wafts into heaven
They will know
The prophecy is fulfilled
Sins atoned
Covenant not broken

We cleanse our selves
Before we enter in
Into the holy of holies
Make our evening bed
This curtain was never torn.
Not for the dark day
Not for the cross
Not for sins since the beginning of time
Not for the body in the tomb
Not for the wailing women
Not for the spirits fading in the womb
Not for the lamb

You wash my back
With holy water
I wash yours
In the Jordan
Today’s baptism renews us
This is our small kingdom
Bathed in righteousness
We are clean in the eyes of God

Do I tempt you
With the smell of lies?
Is beautiful
Do see your demise?

Tell me you love me
Or do not speak at all

you are green now
changing color, healing
I am not the same
won't say I've changed
we named each other once
I think I am finding my light again
I pray you are not heavy hearted

English has taught me many things
Today, I am stuck on this lesson
That any situation can be tense
Past, present, or future tense

In case no one has ever thanked you for you existence
I would like to be the first;

Thank you <3
For choosing, to be here.
To stay here.

I know sometimes it is hard. You will question why. A lot.

Thank you. God Bless you my friend.

In my purse I have a picture
Of my little sister
She was so sweet an innocent
I imagine my Mom has a picture of me
That looks like I am innocent to
But that would be a lie
Of a false kind
Because I know this world
And the secrets that it hides
Not so long ago
I met a boy
Who was the first
Not to treat me like a toy
He placed my heart in cage
So it would not shatter
Building up the walls of a castle
So we could play inside
He made me feel safe
Like a warm hug
And I knew that God has sent him
From his kingdom above
I loved this boy
And he loved me
But love isn't anything like they make it out to be
Its a lot harder to love than I thought
But its all worth it
We never gave up
Through thick or thin
And when he knocked on my door
I always let him in
I told him my secrets
And how to calm my heart
And he held it in his hands
So it wouldn't fall apart
He never let me go
And never let me fall
And to this day I love him
Even though he drives me up the walls

I feel for you
Stuck in the in-between
Feet planted in a world of ill written reality
Loose soil and empty words
Head floating in gray clouds
Of insecurity and confusion
Mental health handcuffs
Strapped to thoughts of happiness and emotional liberation
Bound to a ghost body
Walking through muscle memory motions
To tired to undo
Muttering threats to ourselves
Superego of resentment
Pitted against id and prefrontal cortex alike
Aching in our minds eye
Confined to unmade beds
Pulling ourselves out of cold sweat insomnia sheets
Into a shower of warm water on icy skin
Holding our own arms
Trying to keep everything in
Burdens we are unable to alleviate ourselves of
Waking up day after day
To a head storm of rain clouds
When the forecast is sunshine
Sunny and seventy-five friends
Who hold our hands for five minutes a year
Making promises to always be there
Yet we are the flaky ones
Shoving off at sight of sun
Remembering a younger self
Brighter days on a gloomy horizon
To tired to walk ourselves into
Taste of watery oatmeal
Coating our mouths
Biting skin on our lips
A sprinkle of dying kisses
Confined to a casket of memories
Burying itself in trauma soil
We miss the love we had
Before out hearts ever knew what breaking was
An introduction we would give so much to unmake
Time passes slowly when the clocks don't count
Stirring spoons in uncountable cups of coffee
Masking a long dry night in sips of caffeine
Zoning out when we drive
Getting to where we wanted to be
Only to drive all the way home
Sitting alone in the dark
Our only true comfort
That strips us bare of personality and humor
A blank white paper stare meeting sandpaper colored walls
Peeling away layer of an onion mind
That only brings tears
Pushing feelings and emotions around
Soggy cereal in a bowl
Watching the same three am show
Knowing how every episode goes
Hoping for a sound of music
That will fill even an inch of ***** water
In a deep well of a broken hearted hole

I am not mad
I am furious
I tried to be nice and patient
I thought maybe it would all work out in the end

But it didn't
I boiled over
I burned everyone around me
Like a hurricane I came ravaging the land

Just like you ravaged me
Why didn't it stop sooner
Before I erupted

Exploding creating small fires
All over the world
Just like the time before
And the time before that

A scar opened over and over again

his was a an epic love story
hers an intense tragedy
they always found the comedy
and had lots of action
but it ended in horror
with the popcorn all stale
the tears in the ******
and the marks on the floor
she saw the prelude
and he cheated during the intermission
the both paid for their tickets
had their turn to get stubbed
left their broken hearts and empty sodas behind
they waited and then they got in line
like the other zombie couples
at the movie theatre midnight premier
of: The Day I loved, there was only one showing