I feel it again...
... like I am drowning

Boundaries protect and boundaries hide
When you live all of the lies
The lines are here to stand behind
The choices for you to decide
When all the faces resemble the others
You must divide child and mother
When the price to be paid is your life
When you wield dagger and knife
The faces that look on in expectation
How many ways can you destroy a nation
When the winning ticket is drawn from a bowl
And you miss your chance and fate takes its toll
When the whole world can see what you did wrong
When you cant find a home where you belong
The guidelines are way to specific
And the scenes from my life are to horrific
The babies cry and the screams break your heart
When the forbidden fruit you bit just falls apart
The blood you spill is on your hands
And you are chased through moon lite lands
The stains of sweat run heavy on your brow
When you make the choice not to bow
A rude remark and a sharp blow
Trying to figure out what you don't know
The buzzard are circling high over head
You wish you could run but face your fears instead
When you make choices without rhyme or reason
And you need to run but choose treason
So many paths that intersect in the end
What hides behind the next bend
The curtains are drawn and you stand exposed
You turn the sign and the shop is closed
A lonely walk to an empty home
A life you live all alone

you can listen to the radio
and hear all the songs
but it won't drown out the noise
of what is screaming inside

July 28, 2021
For so long I have felt like I am falling asleep.

October 5, 2021, 10:54
Have I been such a stranger to peace my whole life that when she comes to settle, I do not know her face?

You spilled your heart out
Like popcorn on the sidewalk

I am waiting the lights are blinding my eyes
I run across a beach to and endless shore

I watch you rise out of the sea
You always look so beautiful to me

The pain I went through to give birth to this love
It was all worth it I love watching you grow

The words the wind carried from your heart to mine
The waiting it took but it was worth it divine one

The endless road we walk together
The bond we hold no one can break

Your hands so rough and mind so soft
But together we are made to last

The fire doesn't burn when you are my shield
Oh darling just lay with me in this field of daisies

The ocean pulls your hand from mine
Be we remain forever locked in time

I cant be fully cooked
if I am:
       hot on the outside
       but lukewarm about you
       on the inside
       and my heart is still as
       cold as it was

Wishing I knew how fast the stars fly
Across the glass strewn sky

This single drop of blood
Rivulating from my heart
Trying to run away
To be lost from the emotions

You trace your way
Down my scarred arms
And twist in agony
So deep into the night you dance

I fear you shall never return
You long for another system
With a steadier beat
And when the night comes

The trace you leave is sweet
I wiped you away
To forget the pain
But in this life

I drive myself insane

The fear melts down my spine in rivers
Collecting in pools of anxiety
That tendril to my limbs
I try to hide in the shadow of bravery
But I am not worthy of its cloak
So I quake in the eyes
Of all my enemies, watching me
As I fall inside myself
Drowning in pity
A damaged cavern that crumbled
To bring me down into
A dank hell
We all wish for light in the end
I only want to see less dark
To see the sun is to much
I merely need to make mark

English has taught me many things
Today, I am stuck on this lesson
That any situation can be tense
Past, present, or future tense

You can see bruises
Ripening on my apple skin

I don't want you to recognize them
If you placed your palms against them
Would they fit like key-in-lock

We all have our own unique fingerprints
Mine are frost bitten

Stick to poems they never bite you in the back
Stick to the light and never look back

You are an open flower
I cannot help but wonder
Is this pure consciousness
Have you closed your soul
So soon
Unburden yourself of the past
She is not today's weight

The veins in your arms are different than his
I know because I have traced them many times
Your hands are different, stronger
With more beautiful lines

They way your eyes absorb the sun
And how you shake your head
I wish I could be yours
But I am his instead

When the lights flicker and I am afraid
It is his should I lean upon
But when its day
Its your smile that leads me on

When my hands are cold
And he grabs them they do not get warm
But when I stand between you two
My heart is so torn

The energy he gives me
Is unlike any drug
But when I am near you
I feel safe secure and snug

When you catch my gaze
And I can see the jealousy
I wish I could let you know
I long to be free

He says he loves me
But love does not burn
I tell you to be patience
You will have your turn

But how can I leave
Someone I know, and knows everything about me
For someone I don't know
But says they care about me

How can a child
Face all her fears
How can I choose
Without all the tears

You ask me to pick
Between love and desire
You ask me to choose
Between which of you makes me feel higher

Once this choice is made
I can never go back
It might as well be set in stone
Or written in white and black

If I chose you
Would things still be the same
Or would I cry out in the night
Haunted by his name

Or do I chose the safe side
To stick with what I know
How do I leave him
How can I just let him go

...i must be still now...

      ...to allow the celestials and heavens to change me

...you to are different now my friend...

   ...and the sky falls out of my eyes...
...I cannot contain...

...such/such is this/such am I/such a time as this... ... s uch..
                

                  please don't let me go...

...I will not move/help/I wait...

                                     ...please don't let me go

Brooms in the closet
***** on the floor
Dreams in my head
Lies on our lips
Sleeping under tables
Dancing with strangers

Tomorrow is here
And I thought it would never come
But what's happened is finished
Though I don't think I won

The lines are all to thin
Between life and death
I need you to stop questioning
I have already passed the test

When one footprint
Is on the wrong side of the line
When the distance
Is way to fine

It doesn't really make sense
To keep right and wrong
That closed together
This is not where I belong

Though it has been merely moments
Since the sound of you voice
Flooded through my ears

I am drowning in the suspense
And waves of sweet misery
Crash over my tempered soul

And though you say much
That you would reach a hand
To pull me out save me

I could not know these words
Nor do I dare believe
That you would care so much

To watch one drown
Be a terrible fate in its own
Yet to save a soul from water

And lift it to your own shores
Is to link your heart to that other
A memory as strong as steel

To keep together, always connected
For a life that was not to live
But to be saved and continued

A moments hesitation could cost
So much more that you could pay
And you never stood a chance

But that didn't get in your way
For moments are smaller hours
And eyes are darker souls

Intertwined in water
And bound in the waves
You bore be from a watery grave

This shore no more stable
That our trembling fingers
And yet though I long for touch

I could not dare to linger
For promises from my fingers
Are not bound by my heart

For they are unsustainable
Yet honest in a way
And I would not lie to you

In such a harmful way
For you could never seek
To ruin a phantom kiss

But I know you should run
Before the storm comes
To close to ****

I cannot push you away
At the same time I need you
And I want you to stay

But my heart is a fire
And those who touch are burned
So many have tried

And many have yet to learn
I want a last
I don't need a list

I want to love
And to be kissed
But danger lies

Between all these lips
And truth is buried
But never missed

Some flames so large
As to consume
But mine a candle

Ever steady, always bright
But you would never miss it
Among those of the same light

To face a sky that never rains
But the sky looks down
On a face of rain

Tears to slip into shadow
If you never knew they were cried
Then they would not know how to hide

To pool in eyes of warmth
And rain down cheeks of pain
To die on charcoaled lips

And never be the same
A trail of memories
To ever be traced

To always be moving
Just to find a place
To never be the same

And live within each day
To know each hour
As you never did before

Because every moment
Must be accounted for

"Do you ever dream in Spanish?"

"Only on Friday."

Being your light was hard
I fed my disappointments to pyromaniacs
Itching to strike matches against your spine
Breathing, into your hair
Begging, light me up
When my light finally does fade
Remember me
As the dirt under your nails
Sprinkle it on my grave
Along with your tears
This is goodbye

I feast on your attention

My lungs hold my breath
And my head hold my brain
My feet bear my body
And my hands hold the chain

My chest holds my heart
And is to heavy
Will you hold it for me
Hold it, hold me, stead

I have a heart
Like a child’s skinned knees
You may ground me
But the pavement
Makes me bleed
There is no memory
Behind my glass eyes
They are hollow
Empty, and void

I don't believe in fate
The omens do not control my life
The lines in my hands are merely lines
The marks on my body tell the real story

My hair is long the perfect mask
I have pictures of things that could never last
Time is a monster it devours me whole
I cling to precious seconds before they are gone

When a smile is all that I have left to wear
The empty compliments are so easy to accept
But what is the point when all I feel is contempt
How is self pity ever acceptable

Books are my friends I am torn between pages
When I can live a life I know will end happily ever after
But when I am forced to return to the world I dwell in
How can I not break from the stress

I am real you cant press me between pages
I am something that wont last I will fade
Like flowers trampled under foot in a glade
Just more earth turned over with a *****

When I regret the words I continue to say
Waiting and hoping for the end of the day
How do I grow with no sun love or water
I am a piece of clay left to dry without potter

When the fairytale ends and I am faced with reality
When people are forced to accept the real me
When bold words come from foolish hearts
When I end where I wanted to start

Then I am truly only and at peace
Then I am forced to face the beast

we blow away like leaves
and are forgotten even though
we fell from imaginable heights
withstood the strongest storm
held onto a weak limb
braced against the elements
yet be blew away in the fall
as we fell to the barren ground
covering it in a blanket of colors
leftovers from the summers crisp wonders

I am not lost
Even though you have left me
It is only much to quiet now
You were my lifesong
I am strong still
Now it is much to silent

What words could I give to the whisps of your memory
I grasp for you with bleeding fingers
There is no spine to this fragment of my stained glass thoughts
I slam my head against the open door of the temple
These hinges, creaking in the presence of angels
Lucifers hands grasped around the pulpit, knuckles splitting open
While the corners of his mouth parted, like the legs of a ******, for honey fangs that drip the sweetest lies
The convenience of the cross beneath the vaulted ceilings
Will the devout fill this room with prayers
Their words are just smoke
They will not wash away the pentagram burned into the virgins flesh
Her skin stings, this pain it does not fade
This pain, it covers her dutifully
It is a garment to her carcass
No man will lay with her as faithfully as her grave
The earth is her most devoted lover
Gaia so patient in her lust
She has born a sun and now she lays barren
Let the earth split
Hell swallow her up!
These are the runes on the temple walls
If only your fingers read as well as your eyes write
These riddles are for sinners
Wrap your head around naught
These black droplets are for you
Let them coax you into the leviathan depths
Fools hate the wise
Fools hate fools
Excluding only their own foolishness
This is the commandment in the book
Lay down during the night
That your fortune be good
That the blood moon pass you bye
Let another fill the lust of Luna's stomach
This is the dark side of the moon
The devil is impatient tonight
He will have the blood on my hands for a necklace around his throat
Who will look into his eyes and dare him to steal petals from heavens doorstep,
for his own grave

Your sheets hold your secrets
Between cotton and silk they thrive
Trapped in a small expanse
But part of a larger infinity
They know names and bodies
And every curve of your back
The hold you down
And hide you away
Between each gentle layer
You cannot wash them out
Or cover them up to hide
They lay exposed in an unsafe place

Heartbreak drives a black car
I see it everywhere I am
Watching, waiting
What a strange ghost
I fear the familiar
Never the unknown
I should have left you alone
On the street where I found you
How will I protect my peace now
I gave it away
I am giving up
I would rather bear your burdens
Than my own
It is the most dangerous thing to love
I would not call this brave

The way your essence fills my lungs
Can only be compared
To the way a breeze goes through my hair
For it is gentle
Yet still
You feel it tremble and stare

Feeling out my way through this world
Not much better than blindness
How will I know
When you're bluffing
Still, I fold
Into the night

I have seen you
And I have glimpsed death
In life I have never known coincidences

My all wasn't enough?

It's just not fair.

I have the worst luck.

You will always be more!

Than I will ever need.

You are my solid oaken door.

Keeping me safe...

Keeping bad things out.

Locked inside a place.

Called home!

Oh to be there

Always loved, never alone.

The magic in the trees is aging
Though differently than I

I need these stars

Monsters don't sleep
Under your bed
They live inside
Inside of your head

I used to be cooler
Now I'm crueler
Older heart with harder lines
Reciting memories, to pass time