Dear First Love,
       With all my heart, i can truly say i love you. U will never know how much you mean to me. You have made me smile, and you have made me cry, but through it all my love never died. I never knew i would fall so hard, but i will say i dont regret it at all. Ive grown to love everything about you. From your curly hair, to ur freckles, to the tip of your toes. You've impacted my life in so many ways. I dont know if you know how much i appreciate you. Thanks for all the times i needed you, and you were actually there. Thanks for pushing me to go get my permit, giving me the hope that a job would finally come my way and being there when i needed to vent on some tough times i was going through. I couldnt ask for anything more. I hope i did my job in being there for you when you needed me. I tried my best in being perfect just for you. First love, just know together or not i will always love you, and every moment your thinking of me, im thinking of you too. Our realationship has been tough. Really tough i might add. But its brought me so much happiness in spite of all the crazy drama. Theres memories weve made that i will never forget (smiling while writing). My favorite memory was the first time i really started to like you. Sitting in the car holding hands just listening to music. You creeped your little self into my heart that day. Ever since ive never been able to go a day without thinking of you. Remember when we used to go ice skating, or when we raced at mcdonalds, or when we used to write poetry about each other all the time. Lol. I swear we communicated better through poetry then words back then. I always understood you more though your poems. Another memory i can never forget was December 25th. Great day. First the present with all the wrapping paper then the movies. Then you asked me to be your girlfiend. I was so shocked i couldnt believe it. I swear that was the happiest day for me.I remember my exact feeling. I remember thinking to myself woow, hes really mines now, all ive ever wanted, the guy ive always wanted to be with, i loved you then and there, just couldnt say the words. We hadnt gotten to that stage yet. But there came a day i knew with every inch of my body that i was in love with you. I couldnt help it. You were just perfect to me even through your wrong doing. I fell in love with the Eric that loved to hug and hold me, the one that knew i was what he wanted so faught for me, the guy that tried to make things better right after he messed up. That was my first love. The Eric that tried. Im just waiting for him to come back. I miss him so much. I havent seen him for a while but i know hes still there. I hope one day, when your ready for love the right way, that i will still be there. Ill be waiting for now. Ive always had hope in us. We still have more memories to create, prom, dances, ocean city, maybe paris lol. I cant wait and i hope that we one day comeback to enjoy those days together. But for now. I must let you go, because my heart is hurting and i dont know how much more i can take. Ill always be there for you first love, i promise, i just hope one day youll be ready for me and my love.  I love you so much Eric Martin! Your my heart.

Sincerly Mariah

P.S. forever my little freckleface

"Alone in my city"

It is a silent night
I'm Standing out here on a reddish black lavander,
I'm Lonely and lights are creepy bimming,
The pleasant breeze of Gikondo
Are smelling like blossoming roses,
And i glance at the scattered
Low glimming lights of Nyamirambo,
And eye a surreal joyful avalanche.

I grab my phone and start swinging
around the front balcony,
recording my voice singing one of dualipa's songs,
My voice sounds ridiculous
and i hate it,maybe i have
to train it out In the rain.

And i'm Longing to dance like no one is watching,
Because nobody's around for me,
It makes me feel bored and anxious,
And i can't help but lock all the doors
And every familiar window,
my white short,brownish black jumper
and dark red nike sketchers are ready
i need to step out for a while,
And have an ounce wander down my city.

Hot teens of my age are here,
I'm not standoffish,i do some cares,
Beautiful girls with black hairs
and pile black eyes are wandering here,
With skinny ripped jeans
fitting their big sized hips
And my eyes can't help but stuck on
Their cleavage and woow silently,
My city is really too serene and surreal.

Last year I went on a sick leave from work and I’m yet to be expected to return from it. After I left, not once have I comfortably thought about going back.

When I was still actively working I often made comments like: “this place is a mental institution” and “why do people here think there job title represents their identity or something?”. I realize now that place really is a mental institution, my whole experience reminded me of “One flew over the cuckoo’s nest” and they are unable to admit it because they are incapable to see it or better yet, they lack the capacity to change it. Ego, ego, ego and not a soul driven purpose to see in there.

Most of the men acted as if every bit of attention equaled a romantic interest or some quest into wanting to ****** them or wanting anything from them. Every little thing I did for myself, they strangely made it about them. It is one of the most bizarre situations I ever stumbled upon. Or the constant biased opinions of other people or about subjects totally unrelatable to them and then still thinking they have a realistic view on the matter, woow the ignorance from people who supposed to be highly educated.. Everyday I started to notice more and more, for example the insecurities of women and even worse the jealousy and the competition they constantly felt. Nothing empowering at all, instead they saw my healing and building capabilities as a weakness. Wooow. The toxicity really blew my mind. None of them are used to healthy environments to thrive in, instead they completely fall victim to the Ego Play and use manipulation to communicate with both men and other women. WOOOW.

Yes, I understand that this happens everywhere. But I’m writing this as a highly spiritual and empathic person, who never took part in these kind of behaviors. For me it’s extremely unnatural behavior to do anything consciously that isn’t good for the soul and I refuse to lower myself in such a way or any way for that matter.

At some point I even thought I was going mad for not being to relate to anyone or anything. I thought it must be me. I decided to stay not changing the way I am, while actually feeling extremely off about it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that people were mean () so there was no direct issue or anything. But I neglected to follow my intuition and chose easy money instead. The rest is history in what happened after, but it all came down to this one thing. I did not listen to the voice within when I saw that place for what it really was. Ha! Sooo this world’s problem in this age, but hmmkay..

My current environment is me, my home, my soul quests. I’ve decided to not entertain anything that doesn’t resonate with my heart anymore. In my case that meant breaking up all my relationships in order to make way for my kind of people. Because I know they are out there, wanting to connect with me too. I’m excited about my environment again. So to whomever that needed to read this and recognizes a bit of themselves: Always listen to the voice within. It will always be the right thing to do.