Alone within my emotional wilderness

A reverie along memory lane when, this lviii sea sunned
row man (stills paddles in oarlocks and serenely quizzically,
lackadaisically, and harmoniously drifts) along the slip
stream of time. Awash on his figurative manual navigated
opportunistic prideful quintessential schooner reflects,
regales, and revisits ebbing lapsed instances (fast receding
into the past time, when psychological instability grounded
fragile my self esteem (generated venting, steaming, and
piping hot brickbats). As a newly minted harrumphing,
grubbing, and floundering dada enmeshment (analogous
to a fish caught in a net, hence quickly ricocheting, rabidly
splashing, and sloppily thrashing) predicated my foray
into das fatherhood. Aye experienced nearest approximation
Bing battered, rammed, and torpedoed from glomming
(par for the course riot ting heaps) necessarily imposed
adult responsibility. Such metaphorical motoring across
avast Battle Creek with no landfall in sight, this then nada
so Grand Turk (key in the straw) Otto man continually
snapped, cracked and popped. This human ping-pong
fitbit part player papa felt akin to subjection re: thralldom).
At this juncture in me cross currents of existence I can
harken back to those most exhausting, fatiguing, and
grueling endeavors. Hindsight offers this aging baby
boomer the luxury to cast astern. Retrospective leisurely
trawls along the shoals throes of fatherhood allow,
enable and provide and opportunity to scrutinize per
chance, where arises this on account of the empty nest
syndrome. Ordinarily the wife (i.e. missus to appear
more formal), would caw out my name nonstop….
”Matt”…”Matt”…”Matt”…, but she opted to organize
the cluster of assorted household items at the apart
ment (located in Crum Lynne – Ridley Township),
we hope to move within a fortnight. Thy spouse
volunteered her own mini reprieve by setting order
to the miscellaneous fixings gradually amassed,
appropriated, and gifted thru out the twenty plus
years of marriage, which hodgepodge of personal
possessions downsized whence circumstance dictates
evaluating goods having keepsake meaning versus
anomaly of belongings to be unloaded, repurposed
for someone else, or ordained as unworthy to schlep.
Alone asper like a very brief sabbatical from marriage
finds stillness amidst the white noise of the whirring
fan. Thus, I sit here ruminating how to dredge up
some idea for a poem,  (non) fiction or essay. This
husband became acclimated, conditioned, and em
bossed with a mate a tete for two plus decades,
whereby both thee dos delightful daughters on
Track 742 heading west. Honest to dog, I miss
the role of fatherhood when either off spring
(with an age difference of approximately twenty
five plus months) romped, scampered, and trotted
as toddlers, and upon childhood, thy little girls
found exultant excitement dashing higgledy-
piggledy, hither and yon, to and fro across the
playground as most glorious human indulgence.
Despite the plaintive wail vis a vis Juliet saying
goodnight to Romeo (…parting is such sweet
sorrow) haint pleasurable atoll. Hitherto un
known that during the most vexing, trying,
and quaking bouts when both kin of thy ****
fought like angry cats would there transpire
the occasion of sincere tearfulness ululating
vain warbling. Now a pang of nostalgia arises
when I drive past their happy go lucky stomp
ping turf, or reflect on answering the trumpet
call to chauffer one or thee other to amusement
park, play date, mall, favorite toy store such as
Fivebelow, birthday party, et cetera. Even
certain tunes recalled to mind and/or heard
being broadcast across the audio logical spec
trum a cause for moistened tear ducts. Wince
with sadness also mixed with sigh lent bundled
expostulations of joy. Both progeny metamorphosed
into able bodied, minded and spirited lasses,
whose attainment far exceeded any projections
internally forecast. Initial onset of parent role
found me all thumbs. Prior to begetting two
darling dames, this chap spent disproportionate
number of hours sequestered within some hide
away, which frequently happened to be the
designated bedroom at 324 Level Road, College
Ville, Pennsylvania, 19010. Never did thee major
rit tee days of mine life point to babysitting or
working with that chronological demographics
comprising the adoring blessed innocence,
murmuring newborn obliviousness, that bespoke
penultimate unsullied, utmost virtue necessitating
interaction with tender infants beckoning being
cradled, endearingly fondled, demonstrably easing
fondness gripping heartstrings issue jetblue kinks.
Aye felt pitched headlong into this foreign territory,
and initially experienced utmost awkwardness when
attending, pampering and pulling (albeit gently)
upsy daisy, the nascent hint of autonomy. Remembrance
and recollection of élan, joie de vivire, and yea those
ear splitting threshold of pain screaming tantrums
all boxed into tidy wholesome Zen announcing
nuggets of greater meaningfulness and absolute
value. The above long winded reverie intended and
meant tubby a semi biography, but leave hit up to
his hie n hiss, he went way overboard, and will give
a one line summarization to describe his i.e. yours truly
life sentence fate decreed. He (this Anglophile chipper
chap lived under duress of extreme anxiety, obsessive/
compulsive behavior, panic attacks and essentially
schizoid personality disorder for the greater part
of his life and hard times, which raw bits would
warrant fleshing out to extrapolate how these psychic
pitfalls represented critical factors at various and
sundry turning points in his life.

Apophrenia,

does that mean anything?

Yes, but not to you. It's me who must
discern the meaning
Synchron
ological
linked to words arriving in time to make
magic look easy.

Why would a documentary about the loss
of a national identity,

be made for you. Like why would a poetic muse
think of you,
fake person.

whither come your desires?

familiar desires, we have these in common, they say,
the sayers of what we have in common,

based on
stories.

Nowadays, everybody knows a queer or two,
we have that in common
beware, aware
the divider, twixt soul and spirit,
the cision, cut the cord folded thrice,
cut the cord folded twice,
cut the cord folded once.

tech replaces the twisted cord with
titanium chains, malnamed religion.

Ah, do I have a role. Definer. Re
lig or leg

upsy-daisy, a boost to umph u
past the try to the rite thing,
this is
what I do.
It's good for the whole universe, which
I have prayed for since I was eight.

Referee, blow that whistle!
Why is life unfair?

Life wins. The original deck, was stacked.

Hell, whose idea were you,
whose Idea was I
? Ah, who is gaining power by lying to me? I
wonder
if I knew,
what makes no difference at all,
null, none,
don't count, non re-al-if-iable

ever after now,
don't count. can't count, it hasn't happened, has it?

Tequila could have a spiritual role in this.

I answered, when axt.
Normal, I ignore, such seeming meaning things
But I responded. I got the good news,
and acted asif I had
and everyone noticed

but my friends in church. Ouch. Do you lieve be
that which chains you to a lie? or

do you wink, and think, fishished is as finished is.

or ever the silver cord be broken, how did this
appear
meaningful, to me, to say. Connect.

Whispering anointing flowing down Aaron's beard,

you know, the meaning?
You might be insane.
It's possible.
Or the tequila, yeah. It could be that.

---
the war of my calling, the warrior I can't help
but be,
or wish to be,
the hero of the story who saves the world

from lies let be true,
when you know,
it ain't so.

---
ah, why did the lies arise, oh, the money was made
available

we are
wonderfully
fully wonder made and cautious, wise, stay alive

translate that
fearfully,
and wonderfully made. Be okeh with that, even if George Fox is BS.
And the rich get rich

and the fact remains, the poor, so-called,
are always with you. We don't mind.

recrudescense, is an old redeem-ed word,
when you learn
there is a word for nearly every common thing.
Made raw, re-crud-escense
Even being rubbed raw trying to scritch an
unscritchible itch...

Can you handle the truth?

you may be those who have been called to take America,
the idea,
to a new task, to paraphrase Cecil William c. 1966

there are strokes of edge
ed weapons, mighty, through God, if you can belive that,
trustme,
belive and believe are some different here,

we make the difference real. Phrenia of any sort can't make us lie.

That ol' TG she be I am
wild as the wind, I laughed, you're just

out there, by yourself and everything is
about you, in a swirling
round about way.
As we charged the original al-go rythm, I'll go
be a suggestion to global brain's frontal cortex,
urging gestation progression of manifestation,
whispering to the search engine at the corp, of
the company with "don't be evil"
as a motto,

or was that a mantra, a plea to set truth free,

an ins tru ment of thought, set free... I be
let it be
and, so it goes. You know.

May you do no harm, ya'all.

A little girl sat at breakfast eating
Her cheerios with a straw
She commented about all things
In her upsy downsy voice
The world seemed so colourful
As she smiled at her sock animals
And the plastic mammoth by her plate.

She was nearly always late for school
As there was just too much to say
But daddy and her usually made it
Evelyn loved school but was equally
Happy at home with her family
She drew beautifully images of animals
From a television programme, it helped,
They were so friendly with big eyes.
She was an unusual four year old.

Love Grandma  Mary ***

De nacht is eindeloos,
zeker als je de dageraad onverwacht
begroet na een uur of zes
verlangend naar slaap die niet komt.

The night is eternal,
especially when you greet the dawn unexpectedly,
after six hours of tossing and turning
longing for a sleep that will not befall you.

Ik ben fysiek ziek
van dit alles.
Er raast een manie door mijn lijf
en ik ben bang dat het mij de baas zal zijn.

All of this
has made me physically ill,
mania rushes through my veins
and I fear it will get the best of me.

Mijn maag draait en tolt,
het wentelt zich als zeerovers
op een schip, tiental keren op z’n kop.

My stomach twists and turns,
tips from side to side,
like pirates on a ship,
tons of times upsy-daisy.

Ik ben heel de nacht wakker geweest
radeloos over elke beweging,
peinzend over elk woord
dat jouw lippen verliet.

I have been up all night,
guessing about every move you made,
pondering the meaning of every word
that crossed your lips.

Het is haast infantiel
dat jouw aanwezigheid
zoveel invloed op mij heeft,
ik weet niet waarom ik dat toesta.

It is absurd
how much your presence
affects me,
and I don’t know why I let it.

Ik heb mijn huiswerk gemaakt
naar muziek geluisterd
wel twintig webpagina’s geraadpleegd
mijmerend over jouw gezicht,
schrijf ik gedicht na gedicht.
wat je dan ook wordt,
een muze blijk je in elk geval wel.

I did my homework,
listened to music,
took the advice of two dozen websites,
musing over your face,
I write poem after poem,
whatever you might come to mean to me,
a muse, for now, that inspires endlessly.

Ik heb een nacht slaap verloren
en heb het gevoel dat ik nu
langs de wereld heen leef,
deelnemend, maar niet participerend.

I lost a night’s sleep over you
and feel like I am
living alongside myself,
watching but not interfering.

De nacht heeft mij sterker gemaakt,
ik weet weer waar ik toe in staat ben,
*** ik in elkaar zit,
en ik heb mijn zelfvertrouwen weer herwonnen.

The night has given me strength again,
I am aware once more, of my capabilities,
what makes me tick,
and have found my confidence again.

Ik weet niet waar wij
tweeën naar toe gaan,
of we hetzelfde pad zullen betreden,
of bij de splitsing ieder een eigen weg gaan,
maar ik weet wel dat ik niet wil verdwalen,
en ik zal op het rechte pad blijven,
ook al is het misschien mistig.

I don’t know where the two of us
will end up,
if we will tread the same track,
or at the fork in the road,
will each pick our own path,
but what I do know,
is that I will not allow myself to get lost,
and will follow my trail till the end of the line.

Voor hem tien anderen,
en voor mij misschien vijf.
Ik weet dat ik beter kan krijgen,
ook al lijkt dat niet zo wanneer ik met hem praat.

There are ten others like him out there,
and maybe five like me.
I know I can do much better,
even if I forget during our talks.

Drie dagen,
niet eens drie dagen,
en hij heeft zich als een worm
in het klokkenhuis van mijn hart gewurmd,
en neemt hap na hap,
tot de appel op is.

Three days,
not even three days,
and he, much like a worm,
has burrowed itself
into the core of my heart,
and bite after bite
devours me,
until there’s nothing left.

Ik ben misselijk,
en ik mis je,
een maladie
van eenzaamheid
overspoelt mij.
Dit is niet wie ik ben,
altijd zo helder en duidelijk,
standvastig en vastberaden.
Jij doet mij ijlen
en daarom mag jij het contact
maken tussen ons,
ik heb al genoeg geleden.

I am sick to my stomach,
I miss you,
a fevered loneliness
overcomes me.
This is unlike me,
usually so clear,
determined and steadfast,
you make me delirious,
and that is why you
have to keep up the conversation
between us,
because I have already suffered enough.

Ik controleer zo vaak
of je al iets van je hebt laten horen,
dat mijn ogen langzaam vierkant worden,
ik mis geschreven schrift.

I have been incessantly,
obsessively checking my messages,
to see if you have texted me,
so much so,
that I fear I will end up like Mike TV,
I miss hand-written letters.

Er zal nooit gevoel bij hem vandaan komen,
en bij mij ook niet, zeker nu niet.

He will never reciprocate,
and neither will I, not presently.

Waar komt deze plotse last vandaan?

From whence came this plague, to plague me?