I went to bake some cupcakes
I was in such a merry mood
I miss the sweet creamy taste
I miss the smell of food

Human food, Monster food
Oh, its just the same
What matters is how to make it good
I call this a cooking game

A cup of flesh, and mix it well
Those smelly rotten eggs
Light the fire, the flames of hell
Let's chop these human legs

Ahh, fresh flour - I stole from the store
A little bit of sugar, a little bit of salt
Let's knead the dough, let's fetch the coal
Surely, this is not my fault

For a sudden twist, I suddenly thought
Why not stir-in some blood
The jar of of red, I quickly sought
Where's that stirring rod?

So I baked it in the ancient oven
And waited for some time
Ping! It sprung open!
Now let's give it a try!

Nothing like a meal
For a hungry half-breed
Wasn't such a deal
It was just what I need

Nothing like a Sunday
When you're not feeling mad
Nothing like cupcakes
Nothing like fresh blood

Oh, human bones!
Ack! Ugghh!!

"I wish they'd stop going on about it, the things that are unseen but for brief glimpses and shadows, and fully heard. The beings in their closets and under their beds, their voices carried in a wind that isn't there. They stand, stiff, breathing shallow and deep in the lack of light, dripping wet from the storm that didn't happen in this world, muddying up the carpet, mounting with stench. They're not there, you idiots, they're over here, in my eyes, in my head, buried between my lungs and pushing the limits of my bones, my weaknesses. Stop your complaining. If only I could muffle you." ~ Jade Day


DO: Ah, yes. Ms. Day is also a favorite author of mine.

[Anaïs smiles at Do.]

NURSE YUCKI: Really? I actually think that is interesting that we have similar tastes in literature.

DO: I know right!

NURSE YUCKI: I mean she could hook you with just one word.

DO: That she can.

[Do turns his head in another direction; Anaïs looks down as she clears her throat.]

NURSE YUCKI: So how are you feeling Do? Are your emotions gradually beginning to retract back into a more manageable state?

DO: Yeah somewhat, but they are still fluctuating a bit. I think I will be fine.

NURSE YUCKI: Would you like me to monitor you just in case?

DO: No, thank you, Anaïs. I think I can handle my emotions for now, but I will let you know if something comes up.

NURSE YUCKI: Promise?

[Do smiles at Anaïs.]

DO: Promise.

[Do’s stomach began to growl loudly.]

NURSE YUCKI: Ooh. Someone is hungry I am assuming.

DO: Ha ha well your assumption wouldn’t be wrong Anaïs. I am a tad bit hungry actually.

NURSE YUCKI: Well, considering that it is now lunch time, I suggest that you go to the cafeteria and enjoy yourself a lovely, hot afternoon meal. The cafeteria is down the hall to your left and is the third room on your right. In the meantime I think I will take a little detour and purchase some premium foods to consume.

DO: You know that actually wouldn’t be a bad idea.

[Do and Anaïs both laugh in equal synchronization.]

NURSE YUCKI: I’ll see you tomorrow morning, Do.

DO: Yes, you will. Have a great day Anaïs and thanks again

NURSE YUCKI: You’re welcome.

[Anaïs smiles and winks at Do on her way out. Do smiles back. Do then leaves the black room and exits through the entrance. Above Do’s head were signs that helped to direct him to take the proper route, but there was no need for him to read it as Anaïs had already instructed him on how to get there. Do continues walking down the hall until he reaches the third room on his right. There was a big sign above the entrance that said “CAFETERIA”. Do then entered the cafeteria to handfuls of laughter and patients talking amongst themselves while eating the meal of their choice. There was a moderately long line of which Do joined as he waited along with the rest of the patients to receive his lunch. Do noticed that a girl with *****, blonde shoulder length hair was standing in front of him. She was wearing glasses with square black frames much like the glasses that Dr. Nightmare often wore. She had beady eyes of an exceptionally moderate size and her skin was pearly white with a smile that was naturally inviting. She then spotted Do and appropriately began speaking to him.]

SPORE: Hello there. How are you?

DO: I’m doing okay. Yourself?

SPORE: Yeah, I’m alright but I wish this line would move just a little bit faster. This is driving me bonkers. So what’s your name if you don’t mind me asking?

DO: My name is Do.

[Spore reaches out to shake Do’s hand.]

SPORE: Spore. You have a pretty cool name you know?

[Do lightly laughs.]

DO: Well, thank you.

SPORE: You are certainly welcome, Do.

[Spore smiles at Do.]

SPORE: So where are you from?

DO: Like what country am I from or like what city?

[Spore chuckles.]

SPORE: I meant in general silly ha ha.

DO: Well, I’m from North America. I was born in a small town called Springfield, Illinois but I was raised in Memphis, Tennessee.

SPORE: Interesting.

DO: How about you? Where are you from?

SPORE: I am from British Columbia, Canada although I was raised in a small city named Abbotsford.

DO: What was it like there?

SPORE: At times it was weird and some days were worse than others, but I somehow managed to pull through.

DO: So how did you end up in here?

SPORE: Long story short I nearly decapitated my former friend’s head off with a chainsaw then attempted to slit my wrists with it.

[Do looked shocked as he was laughing at Spore’s statement.]

DO: Oooh brutal are we?

SPORE: Hey, ******* be trippin’!

[Both Do and Spore began laughing in equal succession. The line had continued to move forward. It was finally Spore’s turn to select the portions of her meal.]

LUNCH LADY: Good afternoon and welcome to Black Wick Cafeteria. Today’s specials are pizza and fish and shrimp. Today’s sides are coleslaw, biscuits and baked beans with your choice of cocktail or tartar sauce. What would you like?

SPORE: Um… I guess I will take the fish and shrimp with a side of baked beans and cocktail sauce and tartar sauce.

LUNCH LADY: That will be six dollars.

SPORE: That’s fine. You want anything Do? Lunch is on me today.

DO: Yes, I think I’ll have the same thing you are having.

SPORE: Alright then. Excuse me miss but could you add a duplicate order for my buddy Do here.

[The lunch lady nodded and began preparing Do’s order.]

DO: Thank you so much, Spore. I appreciate this more than you know.

SPORE: No problem.

[Spore smiled at Do. As Spore and Do were departing from the lunch line they heard a string of insults follow them as they were searching for a table.]




TABLE #1: Continuez à marcher baiseur. Vous n'êtes pas le bienvenu ici!

TABLE #2: C'est le tableau est réservé pour la belle et que l'intellectuel. Vous êtes trop stupide pour être considéré comme l'un de nous!

TABLE #3: Ahem! Excusez-moi, mais je n'arrive pas à reconnaître le potentiel de développement de la beauté ou de la popularité en vous. S'il vous plaît revenir quand ce jour est arrivé. Merci.


SPORE: Pay them no mind, Do. Just keep walking.


[Spore softly grabs Do’s hand as they are walking.]

WIFI: Hey look guys! Spore’s got a boyfriend.

WIFI’S TABLE: Oooooohhhhhh!!!!!!!

[All of the patients at that were sitting with Wifi began to mock Spore with several fake smooches and hugs. Spore blushed.]

SPORE: You see this is exactly why we never worked out WiFi. You were always so self-centered, narcissistic and desperate. No matter what we said, did or where we went it was always about you.

[Wifi got up and stood in front of the table behind him as he spread his arms out. WiFi had long, wavy, red hair with hazel eyes, and pearly white skin. He wore a black leather jacket with denim blue jeans and leather black boots.]

WIFI: Do you even realize how stupid you sound right now? If it was truly all about me we would have never dated. Think about what you are saying before you speak.

[Spore blushed again.]

SPORE: Yeah well…. Even then still it was about you.

[Spore gently wiped the tears that were streaming from her face. Her nose had turned bright red in response.]

WIFI: Eh what does it matter now? We’re not together anymore so we are wasting our time talking to each other. I’m trying to eat lunch and chill with my peeps. Beat it.

SPORE: *******, Wifi! I am leaving on my own terms not yours!

[WiFi balled his fists as he got up and began running at a speed believed to be faster than Superman. He was about to hit Spore but Do stepped in his way and blocked his punch.]

DO: You will not hit her or you will suffer the consequences.

WIFI: And what if I do? What are you gonna do? Punch me in the face? Are you gonna kick me in the *****? Ha ha I am used to that. Learn some new tricks and then we’ll talk okay. Now move out of my way.

[Spore screamed very loudly as WiFi tried to take another swing at her. Do blocked WiFi’s punch yet again only this time taking his arm and lowering his head as he slid under it. He then stood in the same position as WiFi while still holding his arm and began ramming his right elbow deep into his his nose breaking it upon immediate contact. Do then took WiFi’s wrist and arm and twisted them until they snapped breaking both areas of his arm instantly. He then picked WiFi up and slammed his rib cage directly on his knee and let him drop to the hard, marble floor.]

SPORE: Do stop! That’s enough!

[Spore was crying again as she stood there in shock. Everyone was watching. WiFi was laying across the floor in a fetal position with a small puddle of blood leaking from his broken nose. His eyes were barely open.]

WIFI: Ugh… Ugghh...

SPORE: Come on, Do. We’ll eat lunch outside.

DO: I think that would be a good idea.

SPORE: You and me both.

[Do and Spore grabbed their lunch trays and walked outside. It was sunny and the trees were still without leaves as it was still winter. The breeze was very cold. A musically digital sound began playing in the background. It was Spore’s cell phone.]

SPORE: Oh, and I just got a text from my friends of whom I’d love for you to meet. They want us to come and sit with them.

DO: Alright, I’m down. Where are they sitting?

[A girl with bubblegum pink hair was waving at Spore with a smile on her face.]

SPORE: They are sitting right over there against the brick wall.

DO: Ok then let’s go.

[Do and Spore walk over to the table where Spore’s friends were sitting. They arrive at the table and set their trays down as they took a seat.]

SPORE: Hey guys I have someone that I would like you to meet. Gum and Sweat meet Do. Do meet Gum and Sweat.

GUM: Hello, Do. It is a pleasure to meet you.

SWEAT: Sup Do? Glad to have you.

[Do shook both Gum and Sweat’s hands.]

DO: Hey. It is very nice to meet the two of you. Thank you for introducing me, Spore.

SPORE: No problem.

[Spore smiled once again.]

DO: So how did the three of you meet?

SPORE: Well, first of all I arrived at Black Wick on November 2, 2013. I met Gum later that evening as we were assigned as roommates. It wasn’t until about a week later that I met Sweat. He was fencing when we met and he finished then took off his fencing mask to greet me.

SWEAT: Ha ha yeah, I remember that. Those were some pretty memorable days eh?

GUM: Indeed they were.

DO: Where are you from Gum?

GUM: Oh, I’m from Oklahoma but I was living in Las Vegas, Nevada before I got here. Let me tell you I got into lots of mischief during that time. The parties were crazy and the night clubs were always packed. I hooked up with numerous guys and girls. I even did coke and **** do I regret that. I am never doing that ever again, but drinking is acceptable.

DO: How about you Sweat? Where are you from?

SWEAT: Oh, I’m from Memphis, TN but I was living in Cordova before being dumped in this hellhole.

DO: Dude no way! I live in Cordova too.

SWEAT: Really bro? That’s dope.

DO: I know right! So Spore who was that guy who was harassing you in the cafeteria?

SPORE: Oh yeah I almost forgot about that. The guy’s name is Willard Fike but everyone calls him WiFi due to his extensive computer programming and networking skills. He even knows how to build and send viruses to computers. Me and WiFi used to date which was long before the two of us ever ended up in here. One day we got into a very heated argument.

[The scene flashes to a black and white filtered memory. Spore and WiFi are standing in the middle of a living room arguing really loudly.]

SPORE: So you think it is ok to mug someone late at night as they are walking home?! What if somebody had saw you?! Do you have any idea what happened?!

WIFI: Look I don’t give a **** alright! I don’t have a job! I needed money! What the **** did you expect me to do?! Huh???!!! Answer me!!!!!!!

SPORE: You could try checking the job ads in the paper. You could try job searching within the city. There is no valid enough excuse as to why you mugged that innocent pedestrian.

WIFI: Well I don’t like being broke you can ride with me or you can go and **** yourself. Pick one!

SPORE: If money is important enough to sacrifice your dignity then perhaps you are better off broke because you deserve a dime and you sure as hell won’t be receiving a cent from me.

[WiFi one-two punched Spore deeply in her stomach and then punched her squarely in the eye before delivering an uppercut. Spore was laying on the floor crying as WiFi began searching the room for cash.]

SPORE: WE ARE OVER! DO YOU HEAR ME????!!!!! OVER!!!!!!!

WIFI: I DON’T GIVE A ****!!!!!

[WiFi begins searching around the room for cash. He searches for about 5 minutes before settling on a sum of $500 of which he found in Spore’s mother’s purse. Spore picked up her cell phone and attempted to the call the kkkkkpolice when  WiFi suddenly placed  a pistol to her temple and pulled back the trigger.]

WIFI: I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Put the **** phone down now before I **** you.

[Spore did as she was told and dropped the phone. WiFi took the phone and threw it into the fish tank behind him.]

WIFI: Now you won’t ever be able to make calls to anyone.

SPORE: You know you are never going to get away with this.

WIFI: Technically, I already have. The question is who is going to stop me?

[WiFi left right after he asked that question slamming the door hard as he walked out.]

[The scene flashes back to the present.]

SPORE: I never was the same after that night.

DO: And he got away just like that?

SPORE: Well word got around fast and the cops caught up with him two days later following a string of police reports. I filed the day following the event so I guess you could say that I set it off.

SWEAT: Still, that’s sad though.

SPORE: I know and as Do and I were looking for a place to sit, a bunch of patients started hurling random insults at us in French and that was when I came across WiFi. Him and his buddies were mocking us and saying that we were a couple when that couldn’t be further than the truth.

DO: You say that almost as if you are ashamed of me, ha ha.

SPORE: I’m sorry, Do. You know that’s not what I meant.

DO: Yeah, I know.

[Spore gives Do a hug.]

SPORE: How do you feel now?

DO: Better.

SPORE: Anyway me and WiFi got into another argument while in the cafeteria and he tried to run up and attack me. Luckily Do was there to protect me. He basically ****** WiFi up. I seriously wanted to laugh at how much of a ***** Do made him look. The guy was lying across the floor in a fetal position whining. I couldn’t have asked for a better picture.

[The four them laughed together in equal succession. Another loud noise overlapped their laughter from behind the wall. It was the sound of two voices moaning. Both of the voices were female.

GUM: What was that?

SPORE: I have no idea.

SWEAT: Don’t know. Don’t care bro.

DO: I think I’ll go and have a look just to see what’s going on.

[The moaning continued and became increasingly louder as Do walked around the edge of the wall and behind it. He found two Caucasian girls completely half naked. Both girls were laying across the grass in the sixty-nine position eating each other out.]

DO: This is going to be fun.

[Do chuckled and smiled as his ******* grew.]

"There's a masquerade in all of us. And to be invited is the greatest invitation of all. There are no masks, and there are no faces, just the barest of raw, gnawed-on bones.”~ Jade Day



[Do decides to take out his cell phone and begins filming the two girls; Unknowingly the girls continue to pleasure each other.]


GIRL #1: Ooh, please don’t stop babe. Ugghh that feels so good!

GIRL #2: Don’t worry darling I will never stop. As long as time continues to exist I will try my best to keep up.


[Do continues filming the girls as they continued eating each other out. Spore, Gum and Sweat sneak up behind Do. Spore slaps Do on his back.]

DO: Ow! What the hell was that for?

SPORE: Come on Do. You know that what you are doing is wrong and completely illegal. Would you want someone to film you while you are having **** time?

DO: I honestly can say that I am no where near eligible enough to provide an answer to that question.

SPORE: Okay, but would you?

DO: I wouldn’t give a ****.

[Gum and Sweat both laugh hard at Do. Sweat gives Do a high five.]

SWEAT: Ha ha. You know Do the coolest thing about you is that you keep it real. You don’t ******* around like some of these other fools around here.

DO: Thank you, Sweat. I try.

SWEAT: No problem bro.

GUM: Spore you really need to get a grip. What’s the danger in a bout of harmless fun?

SPORE: Depends on what level of danger we are talking as well as your definition of harmless.

GUM: I’m stumped. I’ll get back to you later on that one.

DO: Hey Sweat! I am getting some incredible footage over here bro!

[Sweat takes a few steps closer to view Do’s live camera as he is filming. The girls are moaning wildly as they are about to reach their climaxes.]

SWEAT: These girls so make me want to take a few licks ha ha.

GUM: I totally agree with you dude. This session is escalating very quickly.

[The moaning between the two girls became increasingly louder.]

GIRL #1: Oh my god! I think I… I think I’m going to ***!

GIRL #2: Come on darling let’s *** together!

GIRL #1 & #2: Ugh, uugghh, UUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!


[Do, Gum and Sweat start snickering loudly. Do ends up laughing so hard that he starts gradually swaying around and losing his focus with the camera until finally he hits the ground with a loud thud. The girls both jump in shock as they attempted to cover their upper body features with their hands. Both girls frantically struggled to pull up their jeans and put their shirts back on.]


GIRL #1: YOU GUYS WERE FILMING US? WHAT THE **** DUDE THAT IS SO CREEPY!!!! ******* PERVERTS!!!!!

GIRL #2: WHO THE **** ARE YOU GUYS? WHO IN THE HELL GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO FILM US?

DO: Nobody gave me permission to film you. Me and my friends happened to hear you guys moaning from where we were sitting and decided to find out where it was coming from and then we found you two. It turned us on so we decided to film you. The real question though is who gave you permission to have *** on public property in broad daylight in public?

GIRL #1: Look we were ***** okay? You don’t think that being sexless in an asylum for six months will increase your hormones? You kids have got a lot to learn.

GIRL #2: Yeah, you kids need to experience life on a grander. You need to live a little.

GIRL #1: Hey you in the white jeans! What’s your name?

DO: Who me?

GIRL #1: Yes, you!

DO: Oh, my name is Do. Do Nino. What is yours?

[The girl slowly walks up to Do in a very **** manner until she is within close proximity of Do. She pressed her body against Do with her lips less than an inch from his. She was staring deep into his eyes as in a **** whisper she recited her name]

GIRL #1: Mon nom est Alice. Alice French et la jeune fille derrière moi est mon ami Anna Sharp.

[Anna waved as Do smiled back at her in return. Do felt the warmth of Alice’s breath hit his lips.]

DO: Those are some **** names for women as attractive as yourself.

ALICE: That’s what they tell us.

[Alice had ***** blond shoulder length hair with blond highlights. She had gray eyes with a slender body and sleek hips standing at about five foot nine. Anna had jet black hair with electric red highlights. She had more of an fitness build as beneath her top she had a beautiful six pack as well as some considerably muscular legs. The detail of the muscles showed in her arms. Anna also wore electric red eye shadow complete with lipstick of the same color. Alice leaned in and abruptly began passionately French kissing Do. She then attempted to grab Do’s cell phone out of his hand while doing so. Do caught her trying to steal his phone and pushed her off of him accidentally brushing his hands across her ******* in the process.]

ALICE: Don’t be shy. Go ahead touch them. Feel them. Let them blow your mind.

[Alice whispered sexily in Do’s ear as she proceeded to start trailing her lips down his neck in a series small, light kisses as Alice attempts to grab his phone once more. Do’s breathing rate begins to grow heavier. Do gently grasps Alice on both sides of her upper body.]

DO: What are you trying to do?

ALICE: Oh, nothing. I’m just feeling a little ***** still after my steamy little session with Anna.

ANNA: And may I say she is definitely an acquired taste. Active ***** goers would know what I am talking about.

[Do, Spore, Gum, Sweat, Alice and Anna burst out laughing.]

ANNA: Anyway there is this new club opening up on January 31 called Hyper.***. All of you are invited.

ALICE: Also since you will be with me and Anna you will receive free entrance admission, free vip admission and free drinks all night. We know the club owners.

ANNA: Remember this offer is exclusively for you only and can be revoked at any time. We don’t want you going around blabbing to everybody about it because we will take away your privileges just like that.

[Alice and Anna both snap their fingers as a gesture to justify their statements.]

ALICE: Be there

ANNA: Or be square

[Alice and Anna slowly walk away. Do and his friends take a brief look at his business card.]

GUM: This club sounds very interesting. I can’t wait until opening night. What’s today’s date?

SPORE: January 17

GUM: Ok so two weeks then. I’m so totally pumped for this. How about you guys?

SWEAT: ****, this club sounds like it’s going to be bad ***.

DO: Hell yeah, bro. I’m looking to get laid that night.

SPORE: Boys. You guys are so typical.

SWEAT: To say men are typical is to say nature is questionable.

SPORE: Pretty much.

GUM: You’re so weird Spore.

SPORE: Weird but classic. Controversial yet fantastic.

SWEAT: You can stop now, Spore.

[Spore flips Sweat off. Sweat laughs in response while returning the gesture.]

DO: Hey look guys!

[Do spots another cell phone laying in the same spot that Alice and Anna were having ***. Do walks over to pick up the phone and turns on the back light sliding the screen to unlock it. He finds a video on the screen and decides to press play. The video showed two guys fighting. One had short, wavy, red hair, a white t-shirt and leather jacket with leather boots. The other guy had short, curly, black hair, a white shirt and some white jeans. Spore, Gum and Sweat gather around Do to view the video.]

SPORE: ******* Do! I think that’s you and WiFi.

GUM: Who’s phone is that?

DO: It’s Alice’s…

[Do feels a sudden tap on his right shoulder. He looks over his shoulder and turns around to discover that Dr. Nightmare was standing right behind him.]

DR. NIGHTMARE: Come with me.

There was once a famous painter who, to express his love for a woman, cut his own ear off and sent it to her. We all know the story. Even I, a pretty eccentric and extreme person myself, thinks that's way too extreme. but hey, nothing says I Love You like a ****** chunk of cartage stuffed in an envelope right?

A couple days ago you told me to do something that scares the **** out of me, at least once everyday. No, I didn't cut my ear off or anything like that. lol. but that night I sat and thought about things that frighten me but to no avail. I wouldn't say I'm fearless, but I'm a person who enjoys taking risks and prides himself on surviving the most horrific experiences. There aren't many things in this world that rattle me. I'm not superstitious, I have no interest in what others think about me, and pain is only temporary. Well, Physical pain. Pain of a more emotional variety can last. Years even. An intangible, constricting weight of question. A couple thousand needles of "What if?". A potent venom of repeating "I wish". The things that spread your eyelids apart in the middle of the night. When you tell your body "No." When you squeeze your pillow and mumble to your own thoughts "No, don't you dare wander to that place." When you plead with yourself to forget.

Nights like this are the reason why I find it hard to write you, the nights where I don't sleep, can't sleep until I write you and even though most times I don't send the messages, (Or they get sent to you accidently baha) I'm gonna send this one to you. Because it scares the **** out of me.

Starting is the hardest part. It's been probably forty five minutes since I've started the occasional ritual of tossing my bed covers aside and pacing around my room tenderly as if I'm scanning the ground for the words I need, as if I could just pick them right up and hand them to you. However, I always find nothing. I skip every other step on the way down to the computer and sit gingerly in my lame floral chair, watching my cursor blink against your empty message box. It speaks to me. "Blink type something ****** Blink." After a few minutes of typing and erasing and typing and erasing I thought "This is stupid." Then I remembered the story about the painter. It made me think. People have always done stupid things for love. Sure, I'd be embarrassed and vulnerable and possibly even having you meet me with a spine shattering "sigh", "This is getting old." or even have "What is the ****** point?" hammering my morning thoughts. But Hey, At least I'm not mutilating myself.

Well. I tend to beat around the bush a lot, but at this rate I'm just stepping on the twigs. Dancing on the torn leaves and such. I'll stop. I have some things I want to tell you.

I won't let my guilt stop me from saying what I want to say this time as I've done many times in the the past. I think that's what holds me back, the guilt? Whatever.. I mean you're over it, I should be too. I know you're over me too, but that won't stop me either. Des, I miss you. I miss your voice. The medicine in your laugh, the discipline in your scowl. The way that we'd talk all through the night till one of us unked it. The several stones that would plop in my stomach when I would get a text from 'Desire Deslonchamps', Your french *** name (It's so **** btw) I miss the armada of butterflies roosting on my ribs whenever you'd tell me you adored me. I miss our conversations, you have always reached higher than anyone else I have ever talked to intellectually and I mean that quite literally. it baffles me how no matter who else I was with, they were never good enough. That I was always comparing them to you, and thinking "Des wouldn't have said that." or "Des would have loved this more." No one is as funny or talkative or as tender or as wild as you. I would stuff every single one of those girls in a shredder just for even 5 minutes with you.

I look through your pictures all the time, I feel like a teenager sifting dreamily through a magazine looking at some chiseled, oiled up celebrity that doesn't even know she exists. I read everything you post, I worry when you seem sad, I laugh when you laugh. Everytime Facebook tells me you've uploaded and new picture I always go look and end up sighing like a ***** maiden. Excuse the metaphor but it's true. haha.

A couple days ago, when you were telling me about your ex, for a second I kind of thought you were talking about me... and I got so excited, I really thought that you still felt for me and that maybe I hadn't completely lost it and that you weren't jaded or whatever, but when you showed me what you actually did write him, and everything and... ugghh, I just felt so stupid. Sososososo stupid. I don't know why... and I know you still really like him and everything, but I just want to let you know that the level of emotion and personal attention I have for you is strong and consistent. I'm not saying that no one will ever feel for you as strongly as I do, But I'm saying that it'd be pretty **** hard to top it. I just want to let you know that this will never go away. I have tried everything short of a lobotomy but I can't ever, and will never forget about you. I know how foolish it is, but there is no way I could ever help it. Humanity help me, it's literally impossible to knock, like that crazy romance **** You see in movies. It's unreal.

Desiree I think about you more than I think about Sableyes and Adoring fans and Acid trips and soft melodies. All of the things I daydream about. Whenever I daydream, I always add on the wishful thought of someday sharing whatever I'm dreaming about with you, or just sharing me with you. I laugh hysterically in my head at the thought of ever being what I once was to you again, a laugh developed by my pride to stifle my cries and soak up my tears before they ever surface. No, I'm not sad all the time, just when the thinking reaches a fever pitch. Sad isn't the word, more like frustrated. You know me better than anyone on this planet, seriously, You know that I have problems communicating my feelings properly. Most of the thinking is me trying to put words together for you. Though I usually don't come up with anything until I actually do write you, There's always been one thing that I've wanted to tell you that I could never form an appropriate form for and even saying it now would do it an injustice because I can't make these words jump off of the screen and wrap it's arms securely around waist, or whisper quietly in your ear or emulate the disparity of them properly, it's all I got. This xenomorphic phrase.

Physical pain may be temporary, but I'm still too much of a ***** to cut off my own ear, So these words, They're all I have left. The only thing that I can give to you with every bit of a human heart and genuine honesty I have...

Desiree Deslongchamps,

I love you.

A year

I let out a groan as I opened my eyes and awoke to a familiar agony..
Another night, how many drinks and why? Man, what a tragedy!
Stomach churnin, throat parched, ugghh.. this isn’t how it had to be!
I washed my face hard but the sight in the mirror was still sad to see..
Got out of the shower just to wipe the fog and see the same sad empty shell of me..
I realized that all along the power lied inside and time was finally trying to tell me..

I had a revelation that day and finally found the strength to walk the sober road..
It couldn’t be half assed in any shape or form, nah I gotta make it a whole new social code..
I knew I may not withstand the temptation if I was even slightly pressured to fold..
So I made a plan that night, for one year I’d put everything else in my life on hold..
I probably wouldn’t have the courage to do it again had the future been foretold..
But at the time I felt a burning urge to go through with it and knew I needed to be bold..
I was ready to face the challenge and wanted to experience life vividly with everything it offered..
But then the challenges started a few months later when I had to close my cousins Bailey’s coffin..
I found out sitting on a plane about to head back home from a vacation, which I don’t take often..
I went numb for three hours delayed before the plane left the station an I couldn’t let myself soften..
I wanted to drink so bad my stomach hurt to suppress the thought that I had actually lost him..
But it really hit me when I laid him to rest and looked around to see everything drinking had cost him..
With unspeakable pain it made my resolve stronger and showed me another lesson in “Life”..
but I had a slit in my armor and another lesson approached like the kiss of a sharpened knife
This one took shape when I found out I’d been laid off the same week that Bailey died..
I felt pressure from every direction but continued to soldier on, stone-faced with pride..
I hosted his wake and funeral services with a strong spirit and never let myself cry..
I had to keep it together for those who never lost someone and had to say goodbye..
A few times I almost gave up but I just couldn’t bear to let my dreams start to slide..
Then a situation that seemed too good to be true appeared to me in the blink of an eye..
But as it seemed, it was an optical illusion and the business was headed for decline..
On gut instinct alone I came to a conclusion and made the difficult decision to resign..
It ended up being the best decision I ever made and now it’s comin up on my time to shine..
I followed my vision and it’s amazing how much life can change in the span of one years time..
From these experiences this page of history shows the pain, sorrow, hope, and joy of a human mind..
But don’t be fooled by appearances… the true depth could never be captured and chained by rhyme…
How can you eloquently describe the essence of human souls mingling, unexplainably entwined…
I just try to trap it gently to keep my soul singin and keep whats obtainable in mind..
I’m chronicling my journey through the decades, and this is my last entry wrappin up ‘09..
I’d like to welcome 2010 to my crusade, my pen and paper has already started trappin every line!

I'm such a loser
Always stuck in the past.
Ugghh