I am somewhere, maybe everywhere, but mostly nowhere.
Home is fictional; I am drifting in this city of strangers. Another night without rest, a candle burning, a boy crying, blood on the kitchen floor. I tried to buy cigarettes but my account decided it was empty. From the window on the fourth floor across the street, it might seem that I live a lavish life. I stay in Tribeca- I  even have an elevator. When I go out, I dress well. Beautiful people surround me and usually drinks are free. Sometimes they buy me breakfast or coffee or give me a place to stay. My weekends are often spent in East Hampton, in a three house lot that serves as a sanctuary. I go to nice places for dinner. I am not the one paying. I buy this with my silence, a silver tongue that keeps quiet when food and water are scarce. It's okay, it has to be, that's what I tell everyone who asks for help. How can I ease their wounds when mine are gaping, when I feel sick and weak and lost? I pay them with compassion-I give them kindness. I am exhausted.
I don't remember the last time I had money in my pocket or an answer I can stand behind.
This is what I wanted.
I kiss the man next door goodnight. I listen when he is sad. I carry the guilt of the woman I stay with in exchange for a corner to sleep in. My eyes are heavy with concealed bruises. My heart is heavy with the pain of others. My body is light with the heaviness of hunger.
This is what I wanted.
Will someone tell me what to do? Can I dream about a studio with a bookshelf full of my favorite authors and a man beside me each night? Am I weak if I walk away? Do I go back to school after a summer of travel and pretend that I am the same? Can I look love in the eyes and promise purity?
I am somewhere, maybe everywhere, mostly nowhere.
I am suffering quietly. I am proud.
I am absolutely terrified. I am alive.
This is what I wanted.

I met you across the subway,
we took a walk at the Central Park.
We went to a $1 pizza restaurant on our first date.
And spend the rest of our date at The Met.
We moved in together in an apartment in Tribeca.
And we go to work in Manhattan.

But one day on a sunset,
you took me to The Empire State building
and propose to me.
And we got married at the City Hall.

This melodious clamour
Stumbles around inside my head
Drunk on thoughts of you
Intoxicated on the memories of your hugs
A clang of the sparkle in your eyes
A ba-dumm of the freckles that were scattered across your face like the stars scattered across the skies
And if I could I'd nail my soul to those very same stars if only it would give me the tongue that could explain to the blind world how precious you are...
How much I love your smile
How I want to reach up to your face and gentle gather up your star freckles and count them
Just to know how many freckles there are on your body
And I would....but only if I could because our meetings will be farther apart and fewer than the very freckle-stars upon your face
And at the very least the memory of your hugs will be the supernovas scattered across the fractured galaxy comprised of the precious memories of your presence
And when I remember your smile
My galaxy will tremble
It will shake as the light of transcendental beauty graces it
And when I remember your blush the galaxy will collapse....my galaxy will fall into itself and my memories turn on me...
A black hole will form and **** in all the emotions that aren't you
And In the end I'll have lost my heart
Taken over by the memory of you....
And my chest will ache
My stomach will knot and fight it's master
My longing and desperation to see you will manifest in the form of physical pain
And as I sit in my room
Writhing in pain
I will look up and close my eyes
And an image of you will form in my mind's eye
I will remember seeing you sitting in Tribeca....eating Red Velvet Cheescake....the cake a deep blood red
A red of passion
And I will remember how when you pulled out your cake fork
How two or three lines of that very same passionate red would form on your lips.....
And as I remember this I'll sit up
Smile
Stand
And stride into the future
Because I will miss you
I will want to see you
I will want to hold you
But I will walk on because all that lies between us is ....time.....right?
And that isn't so bad.....right?

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