If a camel challenges you to a drinking contest just say no thank you.

I met a young camel from Tralee
Who could down fifty pints easily
He never got drunk
It went to his ****
And he never went for a wee

I won't be goin back there, 'tis a near certainty, you can be sure o' dat now.

Peter Schiff has sounded
the alarm bells, the crash
is eminent and dollars are
going to make no sense.

Invest in Irish Butter, it is
the best and safest way to
spread your wealth, even
on toast, no meltdown.

Cheddar No Shredder, is
the motto in Tralee, where
the Paddy's are a smiling with
their Guinness and their Ghee.


For Isabella Guinness.

I've never been published, my work is dead.

I can't see an Oscar up in the mantle piece, or beside the bed.

Even a posthumous award might do.

Provided they tell me in lieu.


I'd be the first in the world to have a posthumous Award,

whilst still alive, they can take it back when i die.

I've been nominated 29 times before,

from the schizophrenic, who lives next door,

he has never read any of my books, his eyesight is bad,

It's just the few 'bob' I give him for a few drinks,

makes him think they must be good.


  I may send three chapters of my latest novel, to Harvey Weinstein.

    " Mushrooms come and go , but you are forever "

It's about a serial killer who owns and works in a Mushroom factory,

  He kills only Dwarf's, and uses their chopped up bodies as compost,

for his mushroom factory, he then makes one big mistake,

He falls in love, with a male Dwarf,and stops his killing spree.


  The Mushrooms eventually revert back to their normal compost,

  but taste awful,.. A Romanian community living in Tralee,

report the foul tasting mushrooms to the Police , and.......

  The poison Dwarf eventually runs away with Oscar Pistorius,

who is out on Bail, they become shoe Salesmen,

and live unhappily  ever after.


This is the big one , I can see it reaching the number one best sellers list,

   from New York to Caherciveen,  This book is not just for Dwarf's and  

Iron leg killers,  nor Mushroom lovers..


  By Holly Barrett

In killarney and Tralee
It was made quite plain to me
That the blood of the land
Flows through every gland

I don't  think you understand
The power that flows through your hands
So put on your gauntlets
And sit on your paws
Before you way laste
To this land.