I met a boy one day in the city bus
Who though was a stranger yet felt known to me
I do not know how but we ended up talking a lot
Seprating our ways in the end of journey was hard for no reason
I just wanted to have a look at him
For one last time
So that i can memorise him and can store his image well in my heart
So that whenever we, if ever meet again, i may recognize him
I mesmerised his beautiful eyes
His breathtaking smile
His rounded nose
His wheatish colour
His sparking eyes
He seem to do the same
Looked at ne as if i was a lottery won
For a second back there
I felt as if i had known him for years
As if he is the one i had been looking fir all these years
As if he may complete my dreams starring my prince in the shining armour
As if he will hold my hand and take me away from here to a beautiful world
Which will be full of love and love only
He looked like god of love to me
And then we smiled widely and waved each other.....

I met him again yesterday
He was still the sane
Beaming smile and twinkling eyes
But he seem not to even notice me
Though we had met only once but i had dreamt of him daily
Thinking he would be doing the same
I thought that smile has got some significance
I thought even he may recognize me when we will meet again
That was when realisation hit yard upon me
I learned that even strangers may turn out to be best buddies had there been no one around
Life is a long journey that you have to travel alone
People may come and becone your buddy for some time
But that does not really means that they will be there forever
In the end what remains with you are memories. ......

I'm really a friend with fances
They do as punctuation in my restless mind
You know I estimate I can resist seprating the fances
So high white neat fances attach me to what I wished to come true
Not hesitant but unforgettable

dear j,

i dance when i'm vivacious,
and bake when i'm euphoric.
i read when i feel unwanted,
and belt when i'm mad or broken-hearted.

what's seprating us?
feels like universes apart now..
an external variable,
an internal conflict,
or something between us
that only we can pull ourselves out of.

"two adults, both knowing the risks, we give things a shot. hurting each other is the last thing we want to do...how about i take care of me, you take care of you, i try not to hurt you, you try not to hurt me. what else is there? relationships are scary. you don't get all of that goodness and possibility with zero risk."

i'm sure you don't want to hear it...

you and me against the world.

i've never wanted someone
before i saw you..

sorry to complicate things by saying so..

not sorry.

but before you, sure i "wanted" someone. but perhaps only what they brought to the table. what they would make me feel..
but i "needed" them more than i truly wanted them, if that makes sense?... i needed them to feel complete. to feel whole. to feel good about myself. to feel loved. to feel okay. to feel happy. to feel worthy..

everything shifted...
everything on the inside.

i saw you..
and all i've wanted to do
is take care of you.
make you feel seen..
make you feel heard..
make you feel understood..
make you feel cared for..
make you feel worthy..
make you feel adored..
make you feel intelligent..
make you feel capable..
make you feel comfortable..
make you feel inspired..
make you feel confident..
make you feel humble..
make you feel okay..
make you feel well..
make you feel warm..
make you feel motivated..
make you feel pure jubilance amidst darkness
make you feel perfect by being yourself..human..
make you feel encouraged..
make you feel safe..
make you feel wanted..
make you feel strong..
make you feel taken care of..
make you feel courageous..
make you feel loved.

i no longer feel like i need someone to make me feel these things to feel like myself, comfortable, or whole.
does everyone want those things?
of course.
do i deserve them?
the only difference now is that i expect it from the one who says they feel those things for me. and i shouldn't have to plead for it. no one should. it's one of the the most self-destructive & disrespectful things one can do to oneself.

i feel like something is missing..
like there is something more..
and i long for you to tell me
the real reason why you
no longer want me..us..

who is two-faced?
either? neither?

when you look at me...do you feel, anything?...

hate...i painfully assume.
resentment...unbearably.

love is a complicated word.
you hate saying it.
it is a powerful word.
you hate it.
perhaps it is the most abused & misused word.
perhaps i've said it too much?
perhaps because i feel it too much?
is that even possible?...
i see that i haven't loved before.
infatuated with the person...in love with the elated ideas of them that were nonexistent and never could be...
and that scares me.
yet i see that you are not perfect
and i love you even more for that...

i have always believed that you should always make sure the one's you love know that you love them.
any second could be one's last.
who can say?...

i walk the line between
strong vulnerable desire and exuberant shamelessness...

stuck between
walking away because you want me to and embracing you, pouring every ounce of love within myself into you and never running dry..

which do YOU
want me to do, j?...
not them...
which do you...

love,
d