I did
I think
But it's been years
Years
Years
When I was not

And I don't remember
quite
What being well
is like

I mean
I mean
I am always well
I am
Always moving
Because an object at rest-

I've said this already

So I'll rest when I'm dead
Or I'll die when I rest
And I'm not ready
yet
I haven't made my mark
yet
I haven't swelled my voice
With the chorus of those
who came before me
yet
I haven't heard that note
One note
In a symphony
The glorious harmony
I
Haven't drawn a breath
and
Heard the empty space
and
Felt the sharp ***** of awe
That the gap
Is for me to fill
Little me
Little
Gap

And that
I think
Holds me here
Roots my feet to the ground
To Earth
Because humans
Are delicate
It would not take so much
To flee this mortal form
But
I am not ready
It is not my time
I am secure
Knowing my days are numbered
Measured out
By One
Who does not lose count
Lose thought
Think
All in the wrong order
At all the times
Which are
Most inopportune

It is my greatest honor
It is my greatest humbling

And anyways
I am well
Well enough to sing
To dance
Well enough for joy
To light its fire
Bursting pyrotechnics
In my chest

Except
Of course
When I am not
Not when my thoughts
Take the wheel
And I am caught in loops
Loops
Loops

"Shape without form
Shade without color"
I drift
In monochromatic waves
Clinging to the memory
And hope of hues
Beyond my mind's walls
I drift
In soft piano melodies
And synesthesia winds my senses
In a great tangle
Melancholy tastes like apple
But un-achored
Only smells like dust
Looping and twirling in the breeze
Over the ocean
Invisible
Under the too-wide sky
Over the too-bright sea

Until it hits city
And the city
Brings it back down
Tears it into a million
Tiny
Fragments

They used to be it
They used to be whole
They were once
But now
Not

And just like that
The conclusion
Brings me down
With a jolt and a bump and a thud
Like a plane
Or the clanking chains
Of a rollarcoaster

My stomach is doing rollarcoaster loops
Loops
Loops
I used to be well-
(i've said that too)
-But sometimes
I am well
Now
And I forget
That with a breath
I can be
Not

It is terrifying
But I am not scared
You know
Part of life
Is living it

At the top of the rollarcoaster,
Dreading the steep drop,
Knowing another climb is coming
But I hate the gut wrenching feeling
Like I'm falling and I can't stop.

youve caught me between a hello and a goodbye,
right in the middle of my incessant high.
wait. no, thats a lie.
youve got me between a goodbye and hello,
where your scent still lingers on my pillow,
fueling this high that keeps me on this rollarcoaster ride.

My mind is a sea. At times I latch on to the boat of sanity, as the waves thrash & the winds blow. Seems as though the downpour will never ease. Stranded with only the feelings of hopelessness to surround me. Alone in my feelings. Alone in my thoughts. Alone with in myself.

The waves subside & lay calm, crystal clear to the sea life beneath. The sea is full of colors & creatures abode. The sun is warm on my skin, bright in the baby blue sky. Dolphins come out to play, showing off eagerly as they entertain. I dive in. Life couldn't be greater.

My heart can be a secret garden, filled with fruits & berries. The air is scented of sweet lilies. Come to this garden & be refreshed my love. I have so many gifts to share.

Yet when the sunlight fades into dark, the cold winds howl. The gate to the garden is locked. There's nowhere for you to rest your head. Nothing to share.

My world lies on a merry go round. Up then down & round I go. I sit sick on this rollarcoaster of emotions. I don't wish to drag you along so I'll silence myself until the sun rises again because it always does. I'll do anything for you my love because my love towards you is the only stable thing.