Upon the beaten path I walked
and though I tired still I walked  
upon a glittering stone I came
and I stopped in my palm It lay
upon my gaze It shone
but in my heart reach it did not
upon the beaten path it fell
and still on I walked

upon a young woman I came
her eyes, upon me, she looked
a flutter Within I felt
and in my arms I wished she lay
But upon my heavy tongue my words stopped
and upon me ceased look did she
so upon the beaten path I walked
my tears slowly following me

tired a grew of this beaten path i knew
upon my tired frame exhaustion came
and down I went to Sit
Upon my beating heart relief came
and with it a wash my memory came
Of a time where on this  long road I did not walk
and upon my relaxed heart came grief
brief my rest was and up I stood
and upon my beaten path I walked
my past barely understood


upon an old well I came
Parched my throat had become
so away from my beaten path I strayed  
my journey temporarily delayed

upon the water did the light shimmer beside lay a  bucket
upon it I wished to drink so down the bucket want to sink
up it came with satisfactions wink
upon my lips did I drink
and upon my mind was I releaved
But upon the bottom lay a snake
Its  poison within the water  it slyly  lay
upon the road did I go
blissful in what I did not know

upon my eyes the darkness came
sluggish my legs began  to feel
  and upon my mind worry came
as upon  the path my body fell
Rasping came my breath  labored came my air
But upon  the ground i began to see
all that had been around me
upon the scenery came beauty
And upon my heart did it reach

upon the road had I stayed when all around me I could have played
upon the second when the reaper called
I cursed not the path  I took
for upon   the  moment of my death
at last I came to my peace
upon the goal of the path did I clearly see
For without the beaten path beauty waiting in the scenery would I have missed entirely

I’ve morphed myself into a trance as I search for my friend
I find him in a drawer, shining silver and sharp
While lifting it I remove the safety cap
And as I draw it across me, I feel nothing
I finally get what I deserve, a slice, a cut, a tare
But it’s not enough
I pull and press the skin apart and together
I bleed
I drift
I’m not finished, I’m addicted
I go again, and again, a hundred times if that’s what it takes
I can’t feel it
What’s happened, what’s wrong, what did I do
I never wanted to be this way
And while it disgusts me I feel releaved
I no longer feel sorry for things I’m not sorry for.

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to be releaved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

I think found is
a state of seeing the
grass around me
staring at the sky
at the birds flying above me
being a teacher
and watching the children's
eyes light up when they see me
to feel that I am making the world a little
bit better
than I found it
to add some more light into a place of darkness
to start to accept myself love myself more
to start to like looking in the mirror sometimes
to start to realize that I was never the problem
I always sought out situations with people
who were very low class
in the way they viewed the world
in the crass horrific way they treated people
and in the drugs they used
maybe the problem was never me
all along
maybe I was a gem
hidden for so long
a diamond in the rough
maybe I am better than I imagined
viewing my life
as if a passerby
someone else stares back at me
with those soulful eyes
as I chatter back in Hebrew
a language  almost as old as time itself
I feel a familarity
in the air
maybe its a sense of coming home
coming home
to the child inside of me
who tells me that she now feels happy
sometimes
who tells me how sad but releaved she feels
how I remember more and more
I feel even more determined
to protect these babes
in the ways that I never was
to tell them that they are beautiful
smart and kind
as if I am telling that to myself
because I am
a cold heart
can melt away
and turn into a feeling one
it just takes time
as she takes a deep breath
and sighs and says
hmm yes healing takes time
and sometimes many many breakdowns
and healing many fears to get there
for the only way out is through.
Maybe the darkness
doesn't need to last forever
when we learn to heal our own darkness
and to learn to listen to ourselves
so deeply and so purely
to believe that we are so worthy
and than we are shown
that we are
and always were so worthy
for I was always trying to find me
and maybe the me
was always there all along
for we are always love deep down
for when you see children
they are love
and when we see animals and  nature
they are love
they are what gives me love
happieness and joy
I believe if we all learn how
to return to that state
the world will be more of a utopia
so for now all I have is myself
and the beating fire of my heart
that I am so happy
that I am still alive
still standing in my body
and with my eyes
that have seen so so much
in this life
for I feel so so old
ancient almost
but still ever ever so young
and filled with more hope
than I have in a very very long time
for it feels as if my heart is starting to beat
slowly once again.