the hands I held that give me warmth became cold
the lips I pressed in mine that used to be sweet felt numb
the arms that used to be my home is now shattered
and the hugs that made me secured felt chaos

goodnights meant goodbyes
goodmornings felt so sad
conversations became stale
and "I love you" meant no longer love

and that was the moment I knew
I lost you

The air smells good
I'm getting misted on from my window
It's goodmornings like these that I truly enjoy
That I am so grateful for
The drops are falling so loudly onto the blacktops and power lines
Down the trunks of trees and windows
Serenity




Unfinished poem.

A hundred goodmornings
The servants smile at my running through the halls
The sun of the blue eyed king
The sun of the pale skinned king
Sun and stained glass
Velvet and satin
Running and playing
I love the gardens
The trees and the flowers
Are my favorite friends
Children play tag with me
In the mid-morning rain
Drinking cool water
From silver goblets
And eating the fruit from tall golden trees
Climbing and dancing the day is everlasting
Fearing for nothing
So we grew so tired
And lie in the shade
The look of the clouds
Ivory ships on the sea
The smell of the grass
Twisting our minds
So we lie and we listen to birds
And their chorus
As the sun goes down orange in the east
We take off our shoes
When they call for the feasting
Where father sits strong at the head of the table
And the minstrels and bards come
Singing us fables
With strong wine in our bellies
We laugh and we cry
Long songs of sea
And one of two lovers
A ballad of hunters
A song about kings
Princes and Lions
Winter and summer
My favorite song went
"La, la la la were two young children
Riding on elephants
La, la la la
Love like a mountain
La, la, la, la
Love like an ocean
La, la, la, your name on my tongue"
I cried and I whistled along with the people
The candles made shadows dance on the wall
Jesters came dancing and twirled on the table
As my belly grew thicker and thicker with wine
And I could have got up
Walked down to the village
And found you asleep on a soft feather bed
Yet I drink and I drink until my mind starts spinning
Talking and walking  the world never stops
When the wizard came in and spoke of the great stars
Telling us stories of dragons and heroes
Telling us stories of dungeons and meadows
Telling us stories of a lone maidens tears
And I thought of you
I could have just got up
Leaving the feast to look for your eyes
I would have find you out in the garden
Lying under the trees where I like to rest
We could have looked at the stars
Until I stopped spinning
That's all that I thought before I fell asleep

i've let the empty hallow of trust scream with lies confronting the empty side of my bed but for some reason we are always in your bed. self worth isn't even real to me i loss that back in 9th grade, it starts when someone recognizes you when they tuck forgotten secrets behind your ears because they want to make you feel good for a moment they want you to feel special they what you to give them something special. and when you get off of your knees and wipe the leftovers of carpet duss out of the ridged burn in your legs the once charming soul drops you and you fall like a loose beaded friendship bracelet and the pinks yellows greens blue oranges and purples are scattered on the floor lying in salty stained puddles from last night that's when it leaves you. that's when self respect creeps it's way out of the back door and tosses the key into a forest of death. i've searched for it. but i can't find it i don't want to find it shouldn't i want to find it. when hands caress your scalp and lips whisper i love you more and phones buzz filled with emoticon script and it's not from you. you walk out the back door. you leave it open and tear down doors of time.  picking up dewy leaves hoping that there shine is really the silver key to green door of apartment 16. i'm ready to find my self worth. i'm ready to pull the lump out of my throat and kiss this bruise goodnight i'm ready to dive into my poetry the way you dived into me like a four course meal. there will be no forks at this party, no napkins to wipe the leftovers off your lips, no drink to wash away the taste of emptiness. you need to feel it you need to know what it's like to sit at the diner on main street alone and drink two mugs of hot chocolate while checking find my friends. no i'm not crazy but you've given me ever right to be. i've buried myself in you. i gave you days that i cannot take back i gave you time that cannot be reset  i gave you red lipped kisses that cannot be unstained, i gave you my poetry, your new wrestling shoes valued at the price of $180, i gave you my nights and i gave you my goodmornings. all i did was give and you kept taking and didn't even realize i was giving. it didn't take me long to notice but i stayed **** it i stayed because you and me were supposed to be something we are supposed to go places and the only place i see myself going is to the psychiatric because the pill bottle keeps rattling in my hands and i'm finally strong enough to pop the lid off. i'm strong enough to let 57 capsules slide down my pink tough in strong enough to swallow the pain and once i swallow there will be no more pain. there will be no more lonely dinner visits, no poetry, no wrestling shoes, no goodmorning texts, no more chattering teeth, no studering knee claps, no clanking of silver forks, no paper cuts from clean napkins  because i've lossed everything. i can't give no more. and you can't take nothing from me except the wooden chair who's legs dig in to the green grass where my casket lies.

Your goodmornings and goodnights
make my day
You are so special to me
Never gotten tired at me

*You are the sun,the moon and stars
of my heart

No goodmornings, goodbyes for yesterday.
Thanks mom & dad, hope you enjoy your day.

Would you love me in a hundred ways?
In goodmornings and goodnights,
Flowers and falling ill,
together on the couch with an Xbox
And a box of Kleenex between-

Would you love me in words unsaid,
Good deeds unseen and bouts of malicious intent
forgiven. IF I could be forgiven. That you would forgive me
In each of these hundred ways you love me

Sometimes you just gotta
Keep your distance
With the people
You're attracted too
You open up
And you let them
Into your sacred temple
A palace that holds all your feelings
But you never know true intentions
And quick maths be adding up insecurities
You can doubt them or even doubt yourself
Their attention brings you nirvana
Till the point where
Their absence makes you bitter
Eventually it'll be too much to handle
You start losing their interest
Slowly nothing more than strangers
As you both just fade away
From the daily goodmornings
And sleep tight goodnights
But still you scroll through your phone
And smile when you pass their name
Heart beats a little faster as you see your favorite face
But your time has passed
Nothing left to do
But to stay bitter
Or just love them from afar

When i used to say goodnight,
I saw you in the morning
When i used to say im leaving,
I came back while you were there
When i used to call you on the phone,
Your voice would always be on the other side
When i used to go out,
You would stay up until i got home
When i went to bed,
I would wake up to see you still sleeping
When i used to smell your cooking,
You would always make enough for an army
When i used to say goodbye to you,
I said hello when i came home

I cant hear your goodnights anymore
I cant hear your goodmornings anymore
I cant talk to you on the phone anymore
I cant see you sleeping anymore
I cant smell your cooking anymore
I cant hear your hellos anymore
because i never thought i would ever be forced to say goodbye..