scribble ripples in my heart,
something about the distance, the barrier, the isolation, something about the alienness: the longing, the desire, the bitterness, the joy, the laughter, the tears, the warmth:
how do I think one thing, how can I see one thing but then it's also on someone else? why can't I handle both of these things?
to cry and sleep in the grass
to die in the ocean
it feels ungrateful to be upset, it feels ridiculous to have these feelings
why does it feel like I'm -- i can't erase my feelings, i can't erase these words or thoughts: they've been into the void and into the ocean, into the world, some world, my world or others, a world. it's been in a world. somewhere, screaming, echoing, bouncing, being, like : to be like my words: I'd love to be like my words, winning or losing to being then dreaming: a floof in nature, respondent on nothing, grappling onto whatever people or a kind grapples me too: to string and bend and break and be any which way: a word, as a word, let me be as a word, as a construct, let me be as vague as a vague can be: am I failing? am I flailing? how can I say it? I'm having trouble working, I'm having trouble being here: I'm in trouble, I have troubles: without troubles, without power: without tears to come out, without aim, idling then failing: how to get my mind there --> in the wij, in the velt, something else tickles me very well: my own body, vexation, do you see the plume of awareness: please let me know if you decide to remain aware, if you decide for your excitement to slowly increase: a lazy smile with lazy eyes and blemishes on your body and an old mildew smell, peeling, wheeling: together, a peloton . . . huh, a peloton, outside, binnen en buiten: did you think of that? where those grasses are? could I float that way? to float along in the grass: but with my ears covered, my eyes covered, my nose covered: with all of it covered, really, to be important then visualize: than to visualize, really, I mean, without respect for You or me, then the naturous green, or really, gray clouds float by: anything going to die? anything out there about to die? who else just died? who else just became guilty? bird death? the flies? all those flies?
to **** myself, to dream myself, to reborn again, new, to change it again: how can this mend the broken skin I put into myself? mill=knives==>pain could quickly adopt this: kicking me out, I hope not: should know better than to self-harm around these white walls. a ***** place, I'd need a ***** place, similar for a being like me: there, my unidentified blood could stain the floors and the walls, the music of my screams would seem so loud, and all my pain and ghosts and demons and darkness dance around me in a circle, mocking me, lulling me to sleep, starving me of oxygen, cheating me, all the taunts and pain and they bite at me, kick at me, **** and **** on me, they do it all to me, they stone me, they r ape me, they torment me, they lick me, they even decide once, just once, to kiss me gently: all the hurting resembles a great pen is, an ***** bulging pe nis and then round globe-like br- easts that have spider veins and is lactating: a full thick beard and long black curly hair: a knife in its hand, flesh glistening and rough at once, matte and ******: sleek and sinewy of muscles: stomping me, trampling me, where it thought about it all the time:
they can't see me in here. no one can see us in here.
can't you take me anywhere, please? I don't mind: why do you mind? why is it just me? why is it just me who wants it? who wants to be without all these? is it because I never had it?
