oh yuh
***** dubstep bumping like an 808
partying like a rockstar

marijuana molly ***** nyquil ativan adarall
baby bash
waka flocka bumping super H E L L - UH loud
the party downstairs

will be raging with under age kids all night -
here we go again

the peeping land lord- and the drunnk guy outside my bathroom
the sketchy anti social other room mate
the 2nd story appt
and the kids downstairs partying like i did when i was 19


wait a minute

i am way to old for this ****

3:39 in the a.m.
                   bats call,
cat yowls,
          dogs bark,
                                 partner,
                     snorts,
            snores,
                 ...  . farts......
grandma shuffles to toilet.... .... flushes.
             baby whimpers......
..... or was that me,
         a glass of warm milk to.......................helpmesleep
a dribble.... of scotch to help        .....me sleep
                         a mix of both to help me cope
              no just breath
partner,
             snorts
                      snores
                                 farts
...............must make......
Drs appt for him.
    
  sleep
that knits the
                  ravelled sleeve?
not tonight
           for me
                I do believe.

4.19 in the a.m.
                         To thelazyboy
                 I go to doze.....
perchance ....
                   40winks more
80winks before
          dayshift specialbeautifulcrazy               ....        .....   dayshift begins..  
      DOUBLE SHOT LATTE           .                   PLEASE.               .
...already it is a long day...

So, here it goes…

Had a follow-up appt today with Dr to go over some tests I had done last week, we are now 30 days post-heart attack. I go in all cheerful expecting to hear good news and yeah lets start the exercise and getting healthy!

Nope…No…NO…NO…NADA….NO….NO!!

The doctor was all, “Um, yeah, we got your test results back, and there is cause for concern.”

Wait, what??

And then I was not even expecting the next words out of his mouth…

we found several masses on the MRI.
                           3 in left lung,
                           1 in right breast,
                           and 1 on thyroid.

He was just so matter of fact, he was just “delivering the news.” And then he rattles off the appts I need to go get done as soon as I can and then bye, we will see you later…have a nice day. ***!
Somehow I managed to drive myself back to my house.

Crying the entire way.

My ears are ringing and I think I may ***** but I don’t. I sit down and put my head down because nothing feels real and my first thought was: I need my grandma. But my grandmother is dead so I can’t call her. I started to call a friend of mine but suddenly everything felt so loud and overwhelming I hung up before she answered. What was I going to say to her anyway – I didn’t want to sound needy and pathetic. Or afraid.

So I called DT. He knew I had been having health problems, he knew I had been having tests done, he wouldn’t be surprised to hear fear in my voice, and I didn’t know who else to call. It was the middle of the afternoon and I didn’t expect him to answer the phone anyway. I could leave him a voicemail and try to compose myself to speak coherently by the time he called me back. He answered. I tried to squeak out the words, but all I could do was cry.  I don’t know how successful I was since he kept asking me to speak louder…slower. Finally I told him that I would email him and we hung up.

It’s funny, as I write this now, tears welling in my eyes, it feels as though I am reliving it again. You never know the day your world will change forever, it’s a day that starts out as any other day; you get up, tired from not getting enough sleep, shower quickly, get dress, head off to school. You hang with friends…I mean it’s a beautiful spring day. You make plans for the summer.  And then in the middle of the day, with a few words being said and your life takes a dramatic change.

I don’t know how this is all going to play out…

Hoping this is not really the end of my world as I know it.

Can I survive one more hurdle???

Teen mahine pehle ek dastak hui,
603-604 asha appt mein hulchul hui,

Mein Corona hoon, sab mujhse darte hai...usne jataya..
Kuch darre hum, kuch sehme hum,
Phir usko bataya...
Saalo pehle BP aur Sugar aaye the,
Hum goli khaye, phir kheer pakori ka mazza uthaya...
Aur unko niptaaya....
Uff Caronao, humein daraona....

Kuch hum darre hai,
Ghar par baithe hai,
Sab jagah curfew hai,
Sadak par "few" hai,
Woh Corona Warriors hai...
Uff Coronao, humein daraona...

Kuch study ki, analysis kiya,
Immunity ko strong kiya,
Anlom-vilom par command kiya,
Saas aise powerful kiya,
Corona ne bhi social distancing kiya,
Uff Coronao, humein daraona....

Hummare pair mein bhi sanichar hai,
Ghar se nikalna humari fitrat hai,
Kuch na sahi corona hai,
Ussi ka discussion hai,
Uff coronao, humein daraona

Tum senior citizen na bano,
Youngster ki gali mein raho,
Hum party aur dinner ko tarse,
Tum pre-Corona bash manao,
Uff coronao, humein daraona

Maana badlaav mushkil hai,
Par safar toh karna hai,
Nokia namaskar se phone tak,
Soap se sanitizer tak,
College life se family life tak,
Ghoomne se ghar par thaherne tak,
Uff Corona, humein daraona...

I made my Dr.'s appt on time... early... as normal.
And waited one hour. But that's okay.
He takes his time, and will also do so with me.
I'm called in.
I sit, and wait another fifteen minutes. But that's okay.
He arrives. He's older. In fact why hasn't he retired.
But, I'm pleased he hasn't.
So, he begins, as he brings my chart onto his medical screen,
What brings you here today?
I'm concerned about my health. I have a family history that worries me.
Oh!, he sounds. What is it in particular that worries you?
Death, I answered. My family... (and the litany ensued)
Death! I heard. Your chart doesn't have any serious health issues to red flag you, he consoled.
True, I said. But look at my family history. It goes back generations, in Ireland and now in Canada. Both through my maternal and paternal sides. Uncles, Aunts, cousins, brothers, sisters...  died.  All of them. Is it any wonder. I have a family history of near and distant relatives dying. It's chronic, it's acute. Wars, disease, accidents, suicide. You name it. They've died from it, and I probably will too.
A textbook case, he said. Nurse, next.

HI

JUST
came from hair shop.
Toe man is to come tomorrow.
Diane has an appt  for 1:30 tomorrow
so hopefully we can meet outside.
Happy Birthday Sue and Anniversary , etc,
Your card will be late.

Beautiful day today after the rain,  
Did you get enough rain?

Lunch  is here,
Hope you are all well.

McGee is on.

love Mom

(primary care THIS, my blood pressure is fine, thanks for asking)

hello, ma’am!
i am here, in your office
that you appear to be advertising as
a place of business, specifically; the business of medicine. for humans. a human doctor, if you will.

i read every word of the brochure
of appalling lies you gave me,
willing to give you ½ my workday,
a copay, and spent an entire
evening printing,
scanning, categorizing and labeling
records that i am AWARE are ELECTRONIC. however, as so many of
your colleagues have suggested,
it’s almost “impossible” to get any information, and it’s my *******
responsibility to be my own *******
secretary since yours ****. and i should know BECAUSE I HAVE DONE THE JOB.
i can see the program you are using
which i am proficient in. i might still have my own logins if someone else didn’t do their job. i’ve been behind the curtain so don’t play these ******* games with ME.
i have done all the things.
i have gone above and beyond
in MY preparedness, since
in this country you are advised
“to be your own advocate”
because you cannot trust one single
******* to do it for you,
even if it’s THEIR LITERAL JOB.

i digress, i am here.
and i am calm.
with hundreds of pages
of reports in hand
categorized in reverse chronological order
and further labeled and divided by
date, provider, and tests.
calmly letting you
lead the conversation since
within the first 3 minutes of
meeting you
looked at me above your
mask with wild eyes
and told me
you “don’t have time.”

i thank you for your brilliant observations,
complete lack of any compassion
and apparent complete disregard for the
health of your patients. thank you for not
looking up my medical history or having
any notes or results even though i gave your office the information when
i made the godforsaken appt,
AND JUST IN CASE
brought PIECES OF ACTUAL PAPER
you refused to look at, read, pretend to read, scan or save even though i told you
you literally could keep it
because i wasn’t born yesterday
and have a ******* copy.

i don’t have time for YOU,
*****. thanks for nothing
and i hope you sleep
******* great tonight.