In July I lost naivety
     Well, I did not lose all
    But some of it has been strewn around

In July my heart stopped
It relapsed because I gave it to you
To you to use instead of yours
because surely a black heart
it could not beat?

In July I shoved it all aside
No, in fact, I multitasked with one sole focus
I functioned while watching at the side line
I reached my goal while looking down
In July I gave it all

But now is now and it's come in
The magnitude has struck
The heart has been returned
But I can't wash off the black
I can't scrub off the seriousness

In October I regained my heart
But lost all the more because of it.

And so, you have stopped.

But then do we have to shame this subject, do we push it away at all times? Do we forget you could have fun as well and do we not realize you are unhappy? You don't wish to celebrate life, yet why not?

You are still here and it makes me happy, why not you?
You are my pointer, my rock, I celebrate you, why don't you?

Though you stopped the drinking the illness still eats you up inside and I know because I KNOW it and I have felt it and you can't do or act this way because it waits for a weak moment and then lunges at you like a hungry mountain lion. You can show weakness to all of us, tell us all, but not to the lion. I never in a million years thought I would ask you this but please, rock, keep up your walls.

Keep up your walls and live.

I am Sorry.
              Sorry.
                         Sorry.

I love you, I love you
so much.
                But this is you.
          It is you and I cannot
          burrow in your heart
I cannot dig and pull on knotted roots
I cannot draw the strings for you
    I am no surgeon,
             no puppeteer.

I am sorry. So, so sorry.

But this is you and you alone
And though it hurts me,

                 If it isn't you that does it,
                         It will never help.

Sometimes when I shut it out
When I need the storm to subside
When I enforce the quiet around me
It is all I see.

The sound of dreams,
Of hopes left in the corners
The feel of raw skin on the walls
Rough edges on the doorstep
The sound of feet dragged through dust
The tingle of ritual and tradition.

Sometimes when I stop to think
When I close the gates to the sea
When I lock up the wind
When I push and bend the coral
It is all I can feel.

The taste of fear
Of angst turned into ashes in my mouth
The smell of laughter on your tongue
The sweet aftertaste of love at night,
The sourness of happiness  blanketing it all

Sometimes when I shut it out,
Life is all I hear.

An Achilles heel, a ticking device
Overall there is no clue what to do
To stop or to walk or to run
but

How many steps before I get back to you?

It's like you're a thought of which I never get rid
A dark feeling when I walk in the sun
A guilty pleasure I can never quite quit
The feeling of staring at the barrel of a gun
It has not yet begun, it has not yet begun

Heel of Achilles, can't you just leave me
This Minerva has never seen the value in beauty
Your smile only reminds me of time long gone
Of places where whole cities have gone.

What have you done, What have you done.

I would say it was all friendly
That your arms never touched mine
That I stood there heaving still
That I never put my head on you
I would say that, I would

But it would be like saying the sun died.

I would say it lasted a short time
That I never leaned back against you
That I felt cold inside every second
That I felt very normal after

I would say that, I would.

But I can't.

Raw is the description that fits
Raw of scrubbing off the hurt
Raw from trying to stay happy
Raw is the flesh guarding my heart

It's not that I don't want to care too much
But fact is that close to fire, we all hurt
Close to the sun, we all tend to burn
Close to the problem we all get scared
To be close is to be vulnerable

So please forgive me if I step back
Give me some time to get myself in check
For the darkness calls me at all times
And it continues to be difficult
To scrub off the germs
                    and not just give in
                                                to the sickness of my mind