Cravings come slowly
even when you say
no, never again.

Feelings slowly rise
with tightness creeping
into my chest.

Brain is racing now
fighting the urge
to taste the rush once more.

Avoiding friends
from the past
that can fill your need.

Running to avoid
the sweet taste
as the drip becomes a flow.

Feeling the draw
of the warmth of
being in my mothers arms.

Nodding now
as the fluid
streams into my veins.

Escape will be
mine now
as the pain and world fade away.

Happiness is now complete within the darkness.

Earth circles the sun
         Moon circles the earth daily
                     What makes earth go round

looking skyward now
searching the heavens on high
stars shining brightly

shadows of dark clouds
blocking the light of dark night
leaving me searching
on this dreary night

as the cold cuts deep inside
a beacon of light
shines in front of me
moving faster to the light

a candle on the sill
to guide the way home
a beacon of light for soldiers
returning from war

sunkissed silken skin
long dark hair of shoulder length
legs smooth long and lean
island beauty such a treat
dark eyes watch me watching her

Now awake
on the other side
as the pain did subside,
giving me a lightly clouded day.

Shadows first,
that come before the pain,
then when all is done,
the shadow goes as clouds descend.

Happier times today
the veil of dark
had gone away.
Laying in wait looking for a place.

Night descends
with parting clouds.
Shadows moving back
into their comfortable place.

Pressure building
around my face.
Not to fear I say,
remembering my mistake yesterday.

I waste not any time
to attack the pain
while the control
is mine.

It was just a little town
in the boot-heel of Missouri
Cotton fields, sand, farming,
poverty all around.

My daddy was from this little town,
coming home with his wife,
pregnant with child to give
birth in his hometown.

All had gone smooth
as the time came to give birth.
Dad came in as mother screamed,
nurses pushing him out down three floors.

Bell ring ground floor
turning to go back up again.
Then met by the nurse
with doctor moving near.

Your wife we can save
but not your child,
now go back down
you'll just have to wait.

The adventure continued a few hours more
up to the top floor,
to be sent down again.
Smoking two packs of Camels,
as he paced the floor.

When all was said and done,
mom's welcoming dad,
holding me up in her proud arms.
That was the beginning of my journey.

Chasing Death Ever Since!

She's sweet in my memory
As dandelion wine

We were sitting together
Living life fine

Now we are together
For all time

Since shared together
A great day

By the  Dock of the bay.

I have awoken at an early hour, Early morning or earlier than I want, but the gathering has begun. It appears in clusters as they say, as the pain gently taps, almost an absent thought, but if not aware, taking over all focus or any thoughts beyond the pain. I see the dark on the other side of the blade as I look over the edge of the crevasse trying not to go too far into the depth of my pain. It has been many years with a dance of doctors, drugs, along with a little experimentation along the way. A form of self-imposed self-medication. Avoiding the dark on of that side is to avoid the doctor's opiates advise.

A thoughtful day
As I sit
In Thought.

Reviewing my work,
To see if
I have any response.

Guilt comes
Over me,
Since I did not write today.

What can I write,
To bring
Discussion to my screen.

Let me write
This thought
Down now.

Something is coming
I feel it now.
Oh well,

Maybe I'll remember later.

Starting as a question
within my mind.
I feel an odd sensation,
but not unfamiliar to a person in my state.

Sensations change and
pressure felt upon
the frontal lob.
Knowing the drill
and not to wait.

A bottle is found
that may correct
many mistakes if
I act in time.
And slow the progress just in time.

Seeming to stem the tide
I have some sleep
and bide my time.
But when I wake
and far to soon.

My mistakes are
coming through.
Shadows now
have turned
quite dark.

And past the stage,
a mistake was made.
My day is not in doubt,
as I expect I have bought,
a day or two, to fight a bout.

More meds come now
but still not much
as my brain fights
itself in my defense.
Between healthy choice,

and reducing pain.

I make a choice
and to be fair,
it seldom happens
in my thoughts.
As pains go away.

But still you have
the remembrance
of lost time when
you were in great pain.

And it's not that new,
and just a memory.
Carrying that memory
helps when in pain.

It's nothing new
and over 50 years
strong with memories.

So beyond the lost
time that I'm using now
to write these words
in my altered state.

It's a pain that I call
a topic of conversation.
As so much of my daily
life throughout my life,
has been me saying,

Excuse my state My headaches.

But my thought to add today is this pain maybe a bit of stress from all the pain I feel for all the world. As we mourn the lives of humans of this earth. Good and evil in the end is still a human life that should have had some value to someone. May all around the world from all evil in the past few weeks pray to their God or deity for a quiet time in some part of the world. Peace out!!

Waking as the sun starts, it's early morning rise
with shadows of darkness lingering
from clouds on high.

I see the morning light as it transitions today,
my thoughts are of you
which brings only light to my life.

Shadows and darkness no longer part of my life.
Holding you close,
Only sunshine in my days.

There is far more to an individual than what you see.
Look to the beauty of your soul and heart,
Rather than the perceived vision you see of yourself in a mirror.

Do not allow the skewed visions of a media driven world,
To control your thoughts on beauty,
Which shines from your heart and soul.

You are a beautiful
human who loves
many things.

Honesty and open
is always
the path to take.

No hidden agenda.
So be gentle to
this loving man.

That has not
had someone
to properly
care for him.

Can you be
that person.
Be gentle and kind.

Do not hurt
this man
with a good and
gently heart.

Once you have
captured a
piece of his soul.

Now it is up to you,
To be honest
enough to keep him near.

With a True Heart.

Standing close as you to start your day
And not being seen I wish to stay
Trying not to be a hindrance in play

As you move through the day stay close
And yet keep my distance at most
Seen not as I move around to stay a ghost

As the sun shines brightly in the sky
And in my element am able to not say goodbye
Enjoying myself while attempting to hide

The sun goes down and you go to rest
Lay my head with you which is best
But stay unseen to all unless

You move just right and find the right light

This time of year to express
love to the one held dear.
But why must it be just expressed
just this, once a year.

With the love that I feel
it should be every day.
Rather than to only express
it once this day, a single time of year.

So a card, flowers or something
sweet on this one day,
yet daily I will express my love,
every day of the year.

Sweetheart, I love you each and every day.

Really its my life
                   Say what you will about me
Only my view counts

Moving in the shadows
Searching for space
A place to lay my head
Perhaps a piece of bread.

new days come
Searching again for space
That I may lay my head
Perhaps a cup of coffee.

Night falls again as the day come to its end,
Looking close as my eyes go shut
So less fears as I awaken
In another homeless place.

Sunrise Clouds fill sky

               You Wake to light of any kind

Give thanks you're alive.

Dark water was deep
         Cold waters now embrace me
 Darkness takes over

Water is valuable
            Not be wasted needlessly
Yes, Shared it must be

Lost in lonely place
         Weeping for the one I lost
Who has left my world

Thinking of a meal
is often,
not on the agenda.

Now I have been told,
that is not
correct thinking.

But I had what seemed
to be right thinking,
for many a year.

With my correct thinking,
I began, to
take up more space.

The air was thinner
and I was not,
since I always made dinner.

There were other
meals to,
I think a plot.

Addictions are many
with daily selections,
like a wheel of fortune.

This one was won
and seems to work,
when I prefer not to cook.

When I write
When I photo shoot
When I ride my Bike
When I fly a kite

My brain tells me what to write
My brain tells me what to shoot
My brain tells me where to ride
My brain tells me when to take flight

My brain tells me up
My brain tells me down
My brain tells me right
My brain tells me left

Is that RIGHT? NO LEFT?

I do these many things
As I sort for things
Some are found things
Some are lost things

I get advise
I don't give advise
I like advise
But it's my brains DEVISE

Sometime I want to drive???? Please???

But I have to remember
Which is Left
And
Which is Right