A couple of years ago I learned the worse thing someone could do
Every single person wants to be better than the other
As we envy the greater ones
And get angry at the ones who attempt to be better
But never work at it
So we compare ourselves to each other
Never growing to our own full potiental
We could be so much more
And you, you could shake the world with your wonderfulness
if you only stopped comparing yourself to someone else

maybe I'm over thinking this whole bit,
but when I texted you the other night,
letting you know you were one of my favorite people,
It seemed like you shrugged it off.

i don't know, maybe there's a lot of analyzation
i can't catch my breath to know or to think
you haven't been the same since then and
i thought we were just getting close

i mean, we confessed a lot and i felt attached
it's not like i didn't hate myself for feeling like i could lean on you
i'm not in love with you like i used to be
and we don't have the same views but
now i feel like i need you.
its not fair.

How could I go my whole life,
not caring if I fell asleep next to anyone,
(I never cared until you)
How could I meet someone and care
for two years straight
about how I am not waking up next to you,
you'll be the death of me,
and you're in my dreams.
I shake when I wake and find you're not there beside me

Over shoulders, theres a bright light with words carved in black.
Under eyes, pen and paper scribble and dent the table
All surrounded by the ones who won't look back
questions coming from someone who was unable
To understand why someone would write in a place like this
maybe they feel united
but as for me, I only want my coffee

I realized the people in my dream are trying to speak to me
My own mind holds multiple conversations with itself in my sleep
and I can't stop thinking that dialogues are just a story to tell

Are we lying to ourselves and betraying ourselves when others speak?
Are we being honest and letting ourselves realize us when others speak?

And the stories told are just a round a set, like the spinning of our brains
and the violent subconscious forgot we even had blood,
When I sleep, my inspiration bleeds through my closed eyes,
and every time I blink, I can't help but think about how
I could keep my eyes open forever,
and never stop dreaming.

you are the animal who is afraid, hiding away from the others
you are the individual, who didn't know right from wrong
you are the girl with a ***** shirt, ducking her head down in the hallway
you are the boy obsessed with punk music and art, knowing your future is useless
as we settle, the universe shakes, our importance that draws us closer to the sun
including the whispers that no one thought we could hear
the outcasts no one wants,
are the one's who are going to show you where you belong
if you point long enough, you will know

I was driving through town and I rolled down my window,
you know the feeling when you're all alone,
your music is playing and all you can smell is gas and fast food
and you're tired of hearing the town?
You know the feeling when you're getting on the highway,
and the food smells fade,
and you turn down the volume of your music
all that you want to listen to is passing semi trucks
because you feel sick
and still there is no warm company
because you already gave your friend a lift back to their house,
but you're on the highway, and you're tired of everything?
and you know the feeling when you'd rather close your eyes
than drive because you don't want to breathe in anymore?
Because you don't feel like you belong, and the air is humid,
weighing you down, but you were so happy two minutes ago
even with the wind ruffling your hair up at 80 MPH,
you still don't feel alive?
and you still can't feel like all your friends do?

Let's take the words the devil says,
and rip it out your mouth
when I look in your eyes,
I see the evil that no one has gotten through
your scales beneath your skin are tearing through your flesh
You're always so angry, full of bitterness, please tell me why
you feel you are forced to live like this

"getting close to you," she said,
"it felt like skydiving"
her lips were trembling
and her eyes were so sad
"and now my parachute just won't work."

every night
it's someone different
but if i don't open my eyes,
i can feel him.
every day
i wake up alone.
but if i don't open my eyes
my heart doesn't have to break

my fingers bleed after touching your skin.
you are made of razor blades,
but i keep coming back for more
your talk is made of cloudy nights
and i drive without headlights.

i spent my entire life trying to run from myself,
but these days it's so hard to find myself.
i am out of my head,
becoming a blanket of red.
i am surrounded my caution tape.
and i can't distinguish love or hate

for now i'm high and flying well
it's only a matter of time before i walk through hell

.
did you trick yourself into an illusion,
that popping pills and getting high
Is a sure fire way to make memories?
You're not euphoric anymore when you take them,
You're not any thing anymore all the time
and you honestly can't remember a thing.
You're strung out and you talk too much.
The bags under your eyes are a gracious touch

You're bragging about feeling amazing but
When was the last time
You felt alive?

Its been around 3 months or so since i actually tried to make new experiences.
people now surround me when i don't want to be alone,
don't want to sleep alone

i think i'm getting used to talking out loud and
having no one talk back.
i can't even tell if i'm isolating myself or if everyone is giving up on me.

were these people here to just pass time in the first place?
was i there just to entertain so they didn't get bored?
every day i smile wide,
because these people sure as hell never helped me through ****.

i refuse to truthfully apologize to my mother ever again
she loves alcohol more than me.
her priorities come from distorted memories,
stemmed from dreams mix with intoxication and night time cold medication
her eyes are wide, her blood vessels in her face surface
there was nothing i could ever do.

i refuse to ever mean "i'm sorry" to a woman who, on a daily basis,
calls me stupid and constantly tells me i need to lose weight
she wakes me up in the middle of the night and scares me.
and i'm 10 years old mentally all again, afraid.
and i'm 6 years old mentally all again, locked away, hiding.

maybe its for the best i leave

You should hear my thoughts right now
It's moving faster than I can think
Do you ever realize how replaceable you are?
You'll die for your friends
And they'll be happy to live without you.
Minimum hours of sleep
And the walls begin to fall.
The small sounds are terrifying me and I'm scaring myself.
I wonder if they can hear me talk

You'll be alright,
Just stick to the fight
The battle plan to not regress
Don't lose this time against yourself

But your weapons down,
You seem exhausted,
Let me warm you some tea, dear.
Aren't you cold?

I have a fuzzy blanket or a silk blanket
You can choose one...
Or have both if choosing is overwhelming
Lay down now and close your eyes

Oh don't worry about the tea,
I'll wake you up later
Just don't stress, darling
You need to rest
and eat a lovely meal
Before I allow you to return
to the battle against yourself

Left and right,
And right again.
I sold my soul.
You're left tonight and
im thinking about turning around.
I know it makes no sense,
But my eyes are watering but I'm not
No way am I ever going to cry.
I told you.
Left and right, dare me to swerve on the interstate.

Did you wake up today,
To lay in your bed
and wonder
'what must it feel like,
to be happy?'
everyone has their down days
but everyone, including me,
needs to hear
'get the **** over it'
every now and then

I laughed at something alone last night
while I did not know my own emotions,
Happiness was found once again
So I can hope the numbness is over
To move on and cherish these moments
Every single one
and not let sadness get in the way
I'm happier now, and it feels so strange
Maybe it won't last,
but atleast it is in my grasp

rib cages will engulf your heart
and shred it when it falls apart
until your lungs collapse
and you just can't sing anymore

I'm so tired of listening to the same track
of everyone's voice
The clouds look like fire on waves
right as the sun sets
I'm all alone, thinking of you
when the stars roar their light,
and the moon hugs onto the thread of
the darkness
I cannot help but contemplate tragedy
because it seems as if it follows me around

We all have to move along,
let go and let live seems so sad to me
because the only time I could ever do that
is when I'm dizzy and ditzy.
I never quite saved myself,
I only left myself behind

there's so much ignorance surrounding me.
these people are drowsy with hate
they're sleepwalking and they think they're awake.
the worse part is when i try to show them
their way isn't the only way,
the flames burn deeper.

I'm tired.
of trying to encourage love instead.
it's beginning to feel like the blind leading the blind,
and i'm so **** tired.

The corners held more promise than I knew,
Around the other side, there was a nightmare or a dream
A dream is my received
I do not wish to leave, because
For once as I stay up past the night time usual
I am able to know I made it through a sadness
The strongest could not handle,
I am proud of myself
For I am the one who made it through
The corners of last night,
Where everything was so broken
I am alive, there’s something better for me tomorrow.

It's been awhile since I've felt the crushing weight of the world
Imaginary bricks weighing on my ribs
My throat closing in as I stay awake all night again
And shaking as I fall apart,
But surrounded by all of this, I've been able to truthfully say
"I think I'll be alright."

If we live in a dream, then everything is all but a memory
Rewind time, and dance to our own beat
See the anger, go a little slower and feel the rhythm
Did the drugs help you at all?
You know how to smell and think the same way now
As soon as you let go, you will be exhausted
Redeem yourself with the alcohol,
There's way more to whiskey than you think
When you're crying on the back porch to someone you just met
Face it kid, you're never gonna make it
Destroy yourself is to destroy the ones around you
Please don't follow a path that will only bring you pain.

Drugs are no different from the love you show me
Hot nights, cold showers, cheap hotel rooms
Walk into the musty air on the second floor
Fall into unknown cities and drunk strangers
weliveonforever weliveonforever we live on
and the sun never seemed so bright
the sky is purple tonight
maybe my words are just slurs through the alcohol
my teeth can't speak
we live. on. forever.

When I heard the words "You never know who your real friends are."
I thought that I was okay with the tight knit circle of people I'm with
Until the people that I stood tall with,
had knocked me down, taken me for granted,
like I was always going to be there
when I was on the ground, still ready to give them the world.

The night when I was laying in an idle car with tears in my eyes,
wanting to forget who I was,
wondering why I had always had to be second best,
I realized that the people I knew before had changed
Maybe complete monsters, ego centric human beings

and I've got a lot to be okay with when these realizations hit
Because now I know nothings going to be okay
especially not when I feel safe around someone

But now I'm only going to move on.

I am a radar, tasting the bitter words that slipped off your tongue
I want to explore every inch of you
We all have regrets, but baby, you play the instrument best.
I am arm, to be extended, and I will be entwined with you.
Really I wouldn't mind if you walked away
As long as I get a chance to see all of
Inside and out

you're not broken, not corrupted
you're so pure,
never knew a noose
i may love you,
but i'm so broken and corrupted
i'm not so innocent
can't forget how to tie a noose
why won't you love me?

You're a mess, kid.
You started smoking cigarettes because they did too,
and you wanted something to have an excuse to talk to them.
"Can I have a smoke?" and you held your breath
But you tell yourself it's not for them.

You heard their music taste and decided that you'd listen to that band
In your car over and over and you fall in love with the music,
but you claim you love the tune because it's refreshing,
said you didn't do it for them,
but now you've got another thing to talk about

and you're introduced to foods you hate and people you're forced into
but you didn't do it for them, right?

You dye your hair darker,
but it's not for them,
and you're not breathing for them
you're not staying in this worthless place for them

but you realized you're only lying to yourself,
and it's all for him

there's a different way to play
when you yell at the top of your lungs
release your emotions through music
and you're gonna be alright
every thing bothering you will go away
and you will get to know who you are
just open up your mouth
and sing

dont you wish you could do something right?
all you wanna do is have ***
with your friends
with strangers
remember when you used to have standards?
But now you just wanna feel something besides
the sadness weighing you down
that makes you feel like
showering in the morning is an accomplishment
bonus points if you actually wash your hair

how well can you be doing?
all you think about is killing yourself.
you think about it all the time
when you shower in the morning and when you go to sleep at night
you think about suicide when you're having *** and
wonder if anything will ever feel right.

And you tell everyone everything is ever great ever green.
how are you still breathing?

We all consume the our feelings
underneath the fire
underneath the dimmed lights
underneath the strobe
We all take another shot,
and talk about the stars
and talk about old loves
and close our mouths and dance
We all feel relaxation
feel close
feel inspired
feel gone
but we never let go
of the warmth
of happiness
of freedom
and we live,
and move on
and forget
and regret

My mother told me professional office people don't use vanilla scents
So I bought vanilla perfume right away
She told me if I buy it, buy it for a friend
And I healed myself with it

He wrapped himself tighter around me
He pressed himself more.
But what if this came with love?

I remember
My mother told me don't waste time boys like you
So I poured toxicity on me, that leaked from your skin
I tore myself apart for you, introduced you to my family
With codiene.
I don't know if I tore you apart,
But you've been different since I left

And with prayers, I think at night
That you were torn apart

lets be eighteen forever
It never stops.
We live the life the good kids
Wish they could contribute to
They'll try But
We can't wait on the other side
Of jumping fences
The Suns in my eyes but the lights are still low.
And we have to own every little moment
We are far brighter than the darkness we left
And we have our own fire.

Your eyes are deceiving you
it's okay to be happy
and it's okay to be sad

Another word thrown around.
You never know crazy until you watch
Someone you love fall off the deep end
Or when you go too.

Crazy.  Is so romanticized these days
But I can't claim the word.
It stings and pierces my skin.
I can't help but think back to those nights...

It's okay, it's all fun and games to them
And another laugh

I have been educated to a new extent
My eyes are seeing the world differently, but I still feel the same.
Emotions seem to still wrap around my heart and stomach just like a boa constrictor
How much more do I need to feel?
And I learned its okay to cry, because in the end no one remembers anything.
Sometimes I hardly remember myself.
Things seem to fall apart when I wander away
And all I was trying to do is be tired so I can love you
Honestly, I don’t think you’d understand.
So put this in your memory, I truly care about you, but I’d **** if something got between us.
I never ever want this to happen, because you’re all I've got.
Put last.

Fall asleep while you have the time.
All my thoughts are dissipating
I have this major problem: I can't decide
Should I wish the best or the worse
For all the people who are cut out of the picture
Frame my state of mind,
Maybe someday I'll figure out
How my tranquility could cause turmoil

if I could forget the fact that I can't take control,
lower my expectations on where our conversations go
maybe things would be easier for me
I am, however, as hopeless as they come some nights

when i metaphorically jump off a skyscraper,
i guess i need to not only fall,
but i also need to fly.
and soar above these dead city lights
and forget who i am until i can crash again

I couldn't slow down if I wanted to.
I have two jobs, school, and a social life
It's 2 AM and my thoughts don't stop.
Sometimes I wish it all could
Stop.
Most people can't keep up,
But if you relax for a second
You fall apart and
i run off energy drinks and melatonin
But I still can't sleep and my eyes are burning

I don't have time to think sometimes.
I learned how to live off a total of 6 hours of sleep
For an entire two weeks.

I couldn't live any faster than this.

the people i love are dangerous
they're hand feeding my demons
dragging me back to my  old habits
i tear myself apart trying to crawl out

toxicity sprinkled with love
that you can't see unless you look in a mirror
the person i hate needs to learn love
but i just can't fall in love with myself

of everything I want to feel,
really, it's no big deal.
one more year, give me one more year
i'll try to get away
i don't want to look back
i don't want to think about it

I just need to fall asleep
At this point it doesn't seem possible
I'm lost in my thoughts, you see?
In the morning I'll focus on this filthiness
it all seems so unsorted

Thinking holds and keeps
stops me from being at least plausible
my eyes bother me
and their unwillingness
to stop my thoughts from being contorted

i do not have a platform.
if i did, i'd like to think i'd use it for good
my disruptive personality stops me.
so now i don't have a place to speak.
i am so tired of being told
i am too loud
i am so tired of being told
i am too much to be around

so i  am going to be even more of myself
and the people that know me,
will hear me clearer

you created your own problems
and its time to stop
making up excuses.

self-centered.

but I hope you're doing okay
and I hope no one ever has to suffer
While the world is collapsing
we save ourselves
from fires and floods

When no one really matters,
I hope you're not crying in a bathroom stall,
I hope you fit in unless you hate attention
but that's your decision

but don't ask me to notice
how you are putting problems on yourself

Does it scare you?
“what are you talking about?”
I'm talking about looking in the mirror
seeing old photographs
realizing the innocence is gone?
“I'm over it.”
You're never gonna be that same person again
If I were five, I'd never be drunk
rambling about things that constantly fill my mind
You wouldn't be sober, having to care for me
“None of it matters.”
Well, are you okay with going from a swing set
to taking every drug to feel like you can fly
like you did as a child?
Are you okay with outgrowing your favorite shirts
and realizing you were unplanned and you're parents
were too drunk to care about their one night stand?
“Just.. stop talking. Get some rest. You're gonna need it.”
I need to make sure I am okay,
but all of this between
seems like chapter one is only began

im trying to breathe slow while living fast
I'm taking it all in,
And I'm not angry anymore

theres a boy that just tried to show me everythings gonna be okay
i showed him to pick at my wounds
theres a boy that just tried to love me,
and i showed him how to love anyone that isn't me
it's all in fear, and it's all in good days
when i call a friend up, because i have to think
when i got high with him and tried to stay close
but he came down, and wasn't in the best place
i passed out in the grocery store parking lot
but ****, is this how i want to live?