I am used to everything being difficult. For quite a while, I have accepted that I am not like others who find it easy to find love here and there. The people that I had fallen for were so good, so electrifying, but never quite right for me. Still, falling under difficult circumstances was the only thing I knew; winning the affection and approval of someone who does not love you back felt like the only way to go.

That is why when you came into my world, it felt like a beautiful, terrifying surprise.

For the first time in a long time, there are no worries and fears. At least, there are no real fears. For the first time, I did not enter someone's life with fears of being uninvited. You reached out for me, arms stretched wide and open I was beginning to wonder if they were arms or gates to the home I had never known before. For the first time, I do not want to speak in the language of flowers filled with poetry; I am scared that immortalizing you in exaggerated love sonnets would make you only a figment of my imagination. Your laughter and jokes and the way you wrap me in your warmth are far better than any poetry I have ever read; I do not need them anymore because for the first time, what I am experiencing is real.

You are not making me fall in love with you. Falling means landing on the cold ground, bruises and wounds all over me. Instead, I feel like I am walking into you, perhaps even crawling, in a slow and careful but steady motion. You do not make me feel like I am flying; I am standing on solid ground with my heart flying into the skies and my head blissfully resting on your shoulder. You make me happy, far happier than I thought I could be, but I do not feel like I would lose myself without you.

You found me and for the first time, I am not falling. I am walking.

Stars are beautiful to look at
But the ones within our reach
Are trees and flowers
That give life to our souls
Far better from any dream
Is one you can touch and kiss
With fingers that fit yours

If only you knew
That I say your name
Over and over again
Because I want you
To be my safe haven

I think I am abusing this platform for random scribbles and musings instead of actually writing poetry but you know what? This is my page, so might as well do what I want.

Last night I had a very long chat with my platonic partner. He has been my best bro since high school and we know each other more than anyone else -- and no, we are not gonna be romantic.

We talked about our personal lives, love, mistakes, and all of that. I asked him all sorts of things and he told me everything. I related to him my stories and my current situation. What is funny is that after all this time, we both still have a Robin. Do you know what a Robin is?

A Robin is someone you love or have feelings for that you will never truly forget; someone whom you believe will make you the happiest. What I want to stress is a Robin is not real. It is born out of an infatuation, admiration that we perceive as love. A Robin is an idealized version of a partner, not a realistic one. A Robin, ultimately, is just a fantasy.

He talked about still finding his Robin very beautiful and attractive; he also admitted that he does not know his Robin very much. I am, God willing, meeting my Robin in a few days while he is in town. I still think him an interesting, attractive person, but I only understand him so much. I understand that he would have made me happy but I wouldn't have made him happy. I know the kind of person that he is and I know he won't be happy with me -- romantically.

Then, my platonic partner and I talked about feelings. About the "real deal". About how to tell if someone is in love. It is funny because he understands what it means when other people see an attachment without us having to explain anything. Something similar happened to him. When you have feelings, you look at someone differently. For me, though? When I have feelings, I start keeping his name to myself. That is why I still don't always tell my friends about his name; even the ones who already know his name will always find me referring to him with an alias or just "him". I believe in names. Name-dropping someone too much can de-value the relationship, so I want his name to be mine to say, when we are together, when I am half-asleep next to him.

I am incredibly happy. We are still learning to keep up with each other's pace and to adjust with each other's character. But you know what? It's fine. It totally is. All I want is to sing him a lullaby and fall asleep in his arms.

Far better than any fantasy
Born out of a daydream
Is one made of flesh and blood
With eyes that speak the truth

The sun would not shine upon us
But the cold of my hands was met
With the warmth of his embrace

I thought you were asleep,
He said as he played with my fingers
Little did he know that I was thinking
Somehow he found me and I am safe

He is a dream and I am his lullaby
I do not know if it was him or me
That fell deeper with each song
But this is my goodnight to him

I don't know why or how it came to be but at this very moment I find myself missing you.
I don't know what this means or what you mean to me. I don't even know what to say to you.
I don't know if you think of me the way I think of you, but I like the way you carry yourself around me.
I don't know if I could show you the less pretty side of me just yet, but I know at some point I will want to.
I don't know how you see me but I like to feel your eyes on me. I like how your gaze makes me feel.
I don't know if you are for real or not but I want to just enjoy any moment we may share.
I don't know why you treat me like this, why you keep to yourself, why your fingers fit between mine.
But I know that I wish I could see you again soon.