i spent this year as a ghost
literally, this time last year
i was nervously joking about kissing your lips,
and i might miss you like hell
but please show me
where exactly i signed up for this,
this time last year he was alive
and at the time i blamed him for ruining my life,
but he did nothing in comparison to you,
oh gods i wish i knew the way out of this mess
it was so simple this time last year,
i knew my place,
i knew i had a place,
your warm embrace
and a small apartment - it was settled
on all but paper back then,
and now the thought of living in the same town,
hell, the same building as you
is a thought i dearly dread
where did we go wrong,
was it my needy voice,
did my hand hold too tightly onto yours,
if so im sorry it's just that
you were my purpose,
now im just spinning in circles
like a lion in a cage,
scared,
lost,
enraged,
you ****** me over good and proper yet
id still cling to you if i had the chance
i thought he was the one to ruin me
once and for all, i thought
you'd probably be the only person who'd never let go of me,
but would you look at this,
you broke me
and the guilt linked back to him's the only thing i see day and night,
see, now i have to live to prove he wasn't right,
i have to live to keep his memory alive -
instead of live to feel you breathing by my side
i spent this year as a ghost,
the ghost of some blind fool who trusted you to stay.
id die before apologizing once again,
ive said im sorry one too many times
(the word has lost its sense)
and what's the point in being sorry when
i still betrayed you, when
i still put him in an early grave by saying
who i am,
im sorry
sorry to no end
but im still who's to blame for this,
im sorry that i killed him as im sorry i dismissed
what we had,
i was being greedy - nothing new,
those unworthy of their lives will always aim for
robbing others of their happiness,
i took both yours and mine with just a line,
im sorry,
im so sorry,
i shouldn't be alive
you were the prettiest flower i had ever seen,
of course id be a pig, of course
i wouldn't stick to simply seeing,
please don't think ill of me if you do think at all,
and lastly thanks for this,
i probably needed to spend this year alone

there really is no thing quite as comforting
as having nature wash your tired body
and with it, having washed your tired soul

why are we so obsessed
with fixing ourselves
or finding someone else who will

we're not puzzles
or riddles
or broken

we're not really lost
we're wandering
we are travellers

we're neither things
we are human
we are feelings

we don't need someone to
complete us
or fix us

stop trying to convince yourself
that you need for someone
to replace that loneliness

darling,
light a fire
and let yourself feel the warmth

I'm tired** of being used
I'm tired of not being good enough
I'm tired of constantly harming myself to feel something
I'm tired of crying all the time
I'm tired of waiting for something to happen that isn't going to happen
I'm tired of waiting to be happy
I'm tired of not being okay
I'm tired of being hopeless
I'm tired of being in emotional pain
I'm tired of everything
I'm tired of being tired

listen to chopin and mahler
eat instant noodles
stitch your feelings away on an old pair of jeans
wear sunglasses
appreciate the fact that people like donatella versace have spent their lives creating clothes for people like me and you
rewatch the tigger movie
bake a whole cake and eat it yourself or go on the street and feed strangers
tell the ******* the bus purple definitely is her color
change your hairstyle
draw or scratch your anger away
call a distant friend
ask your little sister what her day was like
walk around your neighbourhood at 12 am and make up stories about what people are doing
embrace chocolate as your lord and savior
remind yourself you no longer look like you did in 6th grade
be grateful you have what you have and be grateful you don't have it as bad as some do
remember that every time you thought you couldn't go on, you did
understand that you don't need anybody to approve you
never forget that you have about 25 billion white blood cells in your body who are protecting you with their lives
be happy for that couple you saw in the park
pet any animal you see, animals are breathing antidepresants
get more sleep
don't say "it could be worse", this brings bad luck; but be glad it's not, after all

you are your worst enemy and your best friend. nobody can hate you as much as you can hate yourself, and nobody can love you as much as you can love yourself. do whatever you want with this information.
2. don't hate yourself because you started smoking for a stupid reason. the world's brightest minds come to you to ask you for a light when you share a sin.
3. don't put scars where he touched you, no matter how rough his hands were and how fragile your skin.
4. you do not deserve the pain the world has ****** upon you, but neither does anyone, darling. bear your pain with pride, that's the only way to win.
5. go to as many concerts as you can, and take pictures. trust me, you won't see the band in the blurred image, but you will see yourself shouting at the top of your lungs and being alive, and this is a feeling you really ought to remember.
6. don't forget to take a break every other day. you're going through some tough ****. chill.
7. if a little kid asks you to play with it, try to do so. they all are eager to grow up, and when they do and regret it like hell, they'll have it easier if they remember a grown-up being a child with them. it'll remind them they still are kids. it'll remind you.
8. cooking is a great thing to do. make a pie when he's not calling and eat your feelings away. then make a pizza when you've had enough of him. then make some more cake cause you're awesome and you deserve it. a kitchen is a sacred place and what you do there is magic. do it more often.
9. if you don't like doing something, don't do it - or at least do it in a more comfortable way. i'm not saying drop out of school, but hey, why not? you live your life, and you at least have the right to make the mistakes that you want to make.
10. if you really wanted to kiss her, you would. think about that.
11. and if you really loved her, her saying no would mean no.
12. sun is the answer to most problems. go to the beach. get some tan. eat icecream. dive. there's a huge chance you'll feel better.
13. you are not a mistake, and you are not the worst person in your family, your school, or the world. you are a miracle. now shut up about failing in physics, not all of us are meant for physics. life goes on, no matter how you do at school, who you shouldn't have dated or how your hair looked back in sixth grade. seriously.
14. be quiet when you pass by graveyards.
15. tequila is not your friend. orange juice is. pour ***** in it if you wish, but trust me, you don't want that hangover.
16. do whatever makes you feel precious, and do it often enough to finally understand you just are.
17. remember that you won't lose your value as long as you believe you haven't.