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Dec 2023 · 558
Memory, Memory
Jared Eli Dec 2023
There are moments when I don't think of you.
When I don't remember.
I am blissfully whisked along in the swirling eddies of forgetful fog.

Always when the fog clears, you are there.
Rather, you are not there and I remember.

I remember the way a silhouette remembers— the outline of the place you once were stands stark against the background that is.
I blend into the background and you pop as a silhouette.
Your figure cuts me, sharper than knives and deeper than the despair I feel at having lost you.
Can you lose something if you know where it is?

I spend so many moments thinking of where we used to be and remembering where we are now.
Jan 2021 · 284
Asleep on Trains
Jared Eli Jan 2021
And all the walls they look the same
as they go rushing past
Both my eyes they stay the same:
Pressed shut against the glass
Brick by brick and brick by brick and
brick by brick I go
On twinning tracks that take me further
from a place I do not know
Wrap my arms around myself                                                                       Pillow hands against the shelf                                                                  
Close my eyes to the raging world. . .                                                      
Look for me— Arizona heat, Cali drought,                                            
Oregon rain                                                                                                  
When you think you know you've lost me                                              
find I'm sleeping on the train                                                                    
Now the fields whip past the glass
my lids stay together
Cannot see the way ahead; cannot
spy the weather
Day to night and day to night and day to night
time flies
The grouped, chain-smoking pistons softly
exhale to the skies
Your arm around your shoulder                                                              
Remain as though a boulder                                                                      
Close your eyes to the raging world...
c. 2019
Jan 2021 · 500
My Love, My Aleksi
Jared Eli Jan 2021
Open-window beauty
           I see through
Your windows
           I see you
Let me in on all
          The stories
Let me see you
           Always
c. 2019
Oct 2019 · 216
Sky and Sea
Jared Eli Oct 2019
As a Scorpio who's well-intentioned
I will try to avoid your mentions
But I still will dream of you—
Little Virgo, sky/sea blue

Why sky and sea?
Well let me see. . .
What better way to describe thee?

As clouds aloft, thou art, thou art
So pure and soft, thou art, thou art
And when thou thinks of me unwell,
Thou art a maelstrom's swirling hell.

So sky and sea
Yes, those are thee
Yet wouldst not water describe me?

Unpredictably consistent
Sometime calming; oft persistent
And as water wears at coast
Seems I'm the one who wears you most

Sky and sea, sky and sea
Could it be they're meant to be. . .

An homage to our similar'ty?
Twins of cloth yet each a rar'ty?
Evidence that we are one?
No separation when out the sun?
Could it be the sky and sea
Are mostly you and mostly me?
Perhaps in our co-mingled blueness
We have found a vein of trueness
And as the sky turns orange and pink
And sea as dark as pitch
We turn ourselves from sea to sky
And follow that sunny niche
Oct 2019 · 343
Us
Jared Eli Oct 2019
Us
I am yours and you are mine
Let's be this way for all of time
And when I squeeze you close and tight
Dream of us when you sleep at night

You're my gal
I'm your man
Never let me go
You're my gal
I'm your man
Always love me so
Oct 2019 · 201
Sundrops
Jared Eli Oct 2019
Sundrops and melted hearts
fill the streets in their empty parts
where the asphalt starts to tear and break
the melty bits fix the mistake
And flowerbeams and rainbow-daggers
launch attacks until sadness staggers
clutching at a mortal head-laceration
the tears have now left the station

So it is that on a sunny day
A funny day, a Mon-i-day
The good bits make better
The cheeks that were wetter
When good thoughts had all gone away
Sep 2019 · 255
Land and Sea
Jared Eli Sep 2019
I am a born-again believer in me, in we, in us
I trust you and I will fly so high we forget the meaning of the word stand
Hand-in-hand we will be above both land and sea and our floor will be more air than comparisons of trees laid down
Hey— I know you, I’ve seen you before
Not in trouble, no no but still in my corner
The girl you were, should I warn her?
That we are about to fall irrevocably, recklessly in love
I’ve been in jams before but never in something so sweet it makes me wonder what makes you
Stick with me, it sounds like a pup explaining his carry-on before boarding but if you’d just be mine and dine on promises and wine with cutlery so fine you feel you ought to rub away your fingerprints before they notice who you are
You are the light that makes the day go ‘round and shove itself into the ocean each night, embarrassed to be outshone
Out here there’s nothing to rub away
Your fingerprints burn searing brands on my soul and you make me whole
I’ve got holes in me like the lid on a pepper-shaker, the flakes keep dropping out, but you close them up and I can’t help but think of my suture with you, the future is ours, sew
Onward to new horizons
You and I will rewrite the stars
What, like it’s hard?
The fabric of spacetime is just that, sew
Bunch here and there and make a scrunchy outta time
Bring it back and take back the now
Blend fashion and function into one and oh what fun we’ll have being old and new all at once and together
We weather the storm because there’s no Halle for this Berry and no bunny’s coming close to this Bug
It’s you and me over land and sea
Like those pocket monsters, I choose you
I believe in true
Love is here to stay, okay?
Take my hand and sail with me
Fly with me
Above land and sea
Mar 2019 · 229
Broody with Blossom
Jared Eli Mar 2019
The moody boy in me died but the broody boy lives on
cos he thinkin bout the way you think the moody boy be gone
And he gone for sure but broody boy he think you don’t want him
so he brooding on the moodiness he think you got him in
Broody wants you to feel loved like maybe moody couldn’t do
and he wants you to know the love he got for you is love that’s true
He wants you to know that at very least if you feel so all alone
then brood on him a moment cos he got you listed as his home
Yeah broody boy alive and well and he think you mighty fine
like a gal that’s worth excavating for to build cellars for her wine
If there ain’t nothing else left in this world for you to take and hold dear
Just know this broody boy loves you so and he’ll whisper in your ear:
“We burn long and bright and through the night to the other side of the day
The eternal Yule log we light to fight and keep them bad spirits at bay
And it’s you and me, we the earth and sea, we the flames and wood below
We here to stay and ain’t going away cos it’s those bad spirits have to go”
Maybe he’s broody and maybe still moody but put a cap on his *** and see
That the boy inside loves that girl in you and he’ll love eternally
Mar 2019 · 172
U + Me
Jared Eli Mar 2019
**** the rest of the world
I like when it’s just us together
Cos
They don’t know what we know
How we feel like
Two photographs that perfectly
Overlay to make a treasure map
We’re the map
We’re the treasure
And **** the rest of the world
Cos
I like when it’s just us together
And there’s no one
No one around
And we’re
The only important characters
In this
Narrative experience
And I feel you there in the dark
I feel you next to me
But sometimes the light cast shadows
And I think there’s shapes on my walls
They come to get me
Little puppets and string-dancers
Man, **** the rest of the world
Cos
You’re the world I wanna be in
And you’re the world I wanna die in
You’re the wonders
Ancient wonders ain’t old news
Modern wonders ain’t too new
And it’s just us two
Me and you
**** the rest of the world
Feb 2019 · 179
You’re wonderful
Jared Eli Feb 2019
And again there’s the flubbering
My hands like birds with broken wings
My words like birds with broken legs
Take all of me, have all of me
Unscrupulous though the scruples of my mind may be
Take all of me, have all of me
You and me and a pup makes three
And I’m fumbling, flailing, failing
As I fall deeper down this rabbit hole called
Mutual esteem
Feb 2019 · 167
Bagels and Berry for Brunch
Jared Eli Feb 2019
I'll write you Russian Lullabies
on bagel menu paper
And I'll try to peek at numbers
to see sum of what adds up to what

"The Elba island you're standing on
King of sand, King of sea
Your real kingdom up and gone
subjected land-locked royalty

So take a bite of York, the New
And charge your equine at the horde
Make your stand where foam slaps land
Take your coffee black on board"

I don't know Russian Lullabies
though I heard the album once
I wanted to write you a poem
but my brain isn't writing these days
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZR3Hmswv20&index=1&list=PLFc7_JS3cjtv2j16Ps3DnYpY2AwB8w-mm
Feb 2019 · 164
22:57, 1st of February
Jared Eli Feb 2019
The vivacity of dulling senses
understanding life's expenses
here I sit and smile.

Tomorrow is a world away, and I've
no mind to leave this world
So keep me in today and let
all tomorrows wait—
there's something so ******
in commanding fate
Jared Eli Jan 2019
There are faces in my memory that haunt me when I dream
But my mind won't dream that often so the faces stay asleep
And while I'm just snoozing daily all these faces reappear
And carve trees in my subconscious 'til the branches all fall down
I've got house enough for Eeyore, I've got switches set for beatings
Half-assed greetings in first meetings 'cause being social has me retreating to the comfort of not-knowing-people and the comfort of I'm-stuck and there's ease in being doubtful being warped and bent inside
I ain't easy, so they say, and I'm inclined to agree
I ain't easy, we all know, and it ain't easy thinking me
Jan 2019 · 153
Untitled
Jared Eli Jan 2019
All those tell-tale signs of being sad and I think that I’ve been
I wake up late, start sleeping late and that’s just how it is
‘cos there ain’t no deeper meaning to existence ‘cept to be
And I’m being and just being ain’t the way to be for me
Jan 2019 · 143
Untitled
Jared Eli Jan 2019
There are loads of things you feel you’ve said and I see the lights inside your head but the truth is half the things you say are said to someone else
and I know it’s not your fault that you forget
but you can’t pretend I can’t be hurt
by the way you interchange me with another little flirt
and maybe they aren’t flirting with you maybe they just want to talk but tell why’d they lean in close and whisper “wanna take a walk”
maybe my eyes are just deceivers false-believers little whisper-catching reapers that twist the way your lips contour and save that mp3 corrupted but I can’t just help but notice the whispers aren’t interrupted
you don’t think I see because there’s nothing to see and they aren’t taunting me because I’m nobody so show me ‘round like your prize-pet-pup and let those fellas lift me up and measure me with every eye from every angle biceps to thighs and let ‘em see they could take me and put me down with two swift jabs but know I’m downed already; stick this rat back in his lab
Jan 2019 · 152
Stupid Bottle Boy
Jared Eli Jan 2019
And I feel less of me's still part of me and more of me's just gone
There's some of me left bottled and the streetlight's shadow turns sundial until
It's time to go time to go time to get up and leave it behind
Bottles left at bus stations, maybe you've seen 'em
But I sure don't know what happens when some one comes 'round to clean 'em
Well see the bottled bits of me still me
I left behind in Fullington and there's
miles of road between us and the grass
looks awful green over there and there
but I'm walking the asphalt, cracked and
holy like my path of redemption to lose
myself not find myself
I'm not playing hide and seek, no I'm
playing hide and Hyde, got a bottle for the cure-all
That I've shoved myself inside
And I'll drop it in my pocket, so take a gander there
Tell me what you see in me, in the bottle's curly hair
I used to think I was the coat but now I see I'm rodent
This rat's just sniffed the catnip, now he's belly-up and bloated
That's not my path, that's not for me, so tie my little feet
Heave-**, heave-**
And off I go
Wrapped in that corduroy
Heave-**, heave-**
And off I go
Nothing but a stupid boy
Jan 2019 · 207
Untitled
Jared Eli Jan 2019
Spirits whisper from their glasses as they slip from mouth to mouth
And frigid fingers feel the way to let the cirrus crystals out
And ghostly gasps surround and bound from wall to window sash
As irons souls with oxidation from their glassy prison dash
'I am rust; wilt thou hold me?' silent whisper floats in quick
Before you answer, a breath unheld beheads the flame on candle wick
Dec 2018 · 262
Untitled
Jared Eli Dec 2018
I lick my fingers after they've been
inside
I picture your face
Sticky sweetness on my tongue
Desire rises hot within me and my fingers
return
Dipping into your jar of jam
Dec 2018 · 196
Twist and shout
Jared Eli Dec 2018
Depression and I, we wear the same faces
We're in the same places; I see him in the mirror
Maybe depression isn't real—maybe that's the twist
Maybe depression is my twin I ate in the womb
Maybe depression is my shadow, my impending tomb
Maybe depression is a word I made up years ago
An excuse for my brain bending backwards to find
The right words to explain what it's doing
I don't know what it's doing
It seems to
Maybe I'm not real—maybe that's the twist
Dec 2018 · 162
The Castration of Fine
Jared Eli Dec 2018
“Everything is fine” and that’s not great
See, fine is what you leave on a car in a wrong spot
Punishment for where you shouldn’t be
Fine is the end after the signs
:S: Everything is fine
But it’s not great
And you see, I’d like to think I strive for greatness
I feel wrapped in a repeat
On a treadmill to nowhere
As the screens beside, around me
Change; teasing little lights that dance
Like a marionette, so too I dance
Or so it feels
Strings which tug and hold
S.S.D.D.; D.S. all fine.
Jared Eli Dec 2018
You’ve been moved two tiers, eh?
Underfoot you feel a table
And you are, for them
You had been a diminutive seat, but
Have been hereby promoted to ottoman.
A fire hazard you may present at present
But a greater gift to weary walkers than an
Ottoman, there is yet to be.
Count your cushions, and your lucky stars
Will find you warmed by heated sitters
‘Til around comes a professor
A second scolding to deliver
And an ottoman to demote
To lowly seat.
Jared Eli Dec 2018
I.
The backdrop changes before me and I think I am anew
To be anew, to be reborn, one must have been, at first
Have I been, at first?
Perhaps, and yet. . .

II.
I’ve not yet been here, quarterly
I’ve only been in passing
Sitting in the space of life
With fleeting moments lasting
See me and time we know the score
We know we’re not exclusive
Yet staying codependent makes
Our love affair abusive
Time wipes the scene and all is gone
And then it starts replacing
But I can feel the difference and
I see the lines erasing
There’s not much left that used to be
I point this out at will
But newness covers like a moss
The oldness dead and still
Perhaps I’m new, or not yet old
But I have seen the stage
Set with dirt and wood and rock
And ink upon the page

III.
Do I think I have agency? Perhaps I do, but then
It seems I start to do something and do something again
And the old that was repeats itself with new baubles and bells
Dressed up nice, repainted, and the old as new resells
Do I think I have agency? Perhaps I don’t, and yet
I’d rather play my fight with Fate than lie down dead, I bet
And the predetermined actions I will act out as a player
The Game of Life’s veneer shall soon obtain another layer

IV.
There’s a war within this corporeal host
And there’s not yet a clear winner
There’s half that’s fed, half that’s naturally stronger
Brute force and technique
Jesse and Cass, and the sun might be coming
But who will burn?

V.
And of course it ends here, because of course it always had to
The crisis, this crisis, dressed up as though it were something new
There’s nothing new that comes from me:
I am derivative.
See me in the words of giants, see me in the spittle of groundlings
I will bind, with my arms I will bind
Feel them as vines, wrap around you and press
Girth upon your body
A bound book we shall be, and I will bring you to the well
Down shall we fall, Prospero’s tome, bound book’s tomb
I will bind you.
And in the absence of binding I shall seek you out
I will gaze for your eyes in a crowd:
Brown, blue, green, hazel, gray
Feel them upon you as a microscope, focusing
I shall find you.
Though with finding and with binding,
two shall join as one
Can there be two alone as one?
For the two exist as funhouse mirrors of
Past experience current
There will never be another one quite like
The other one you were quite like
The other ones you’ve been quite like
‘til now
And so with arbitrary electus tempus
Now is not the same
Today is but the only day
Today is not a copy of
The days that came before.
And of course it ends here.
Where else could it have begun?
Dec 2018 · 129
Untitled
Jared Eli Dec 2018
It wasn't that his wax was gone, nor that he fell from sky
'twas holy flames of divine wrath made foolish child die
Nov 2018 · 151
Tasteless
Jared Eli Nov 2018
I know what it is to be tasteless
I've seen past the fountain of youth and
I've drunk of those ripened peaches
I've lain me down in heather

Stay by my side through this
sobering experience;
I know what it is
And I know
I am it
Nov 2018 · 119
Untitled
Jared Eli Nov 2018
I've seen the fires of heaven
And the swirling flames of hell
Both are warm and frightening
And neither holds me well

Upon the breast of Satan
There's pinned a copper star
His wings are dead and broken
He calls me from afar

Upon the head of Jesus
There sits a thornéd crown
His feet and hands are pierced through
He tells me to lay down

I see my little brother
Walk barefoot the line between
His hand beckons my presence
To a place I've never been

I've seen the flames and fire
And I've seen a chubby hand
The more I see of each I find
I'm not prepared for the other land
Jared Eli Oct 2018
Turbulent calm
I drift darkly on your words
The subtlety of language and the
Way you paint your worlds
How privileged, I, can be brought in
Led by your silver tongue
May I ever venture here,
With you, Janet Snakehole
Oct 2018 · 193
Burn the Syllabi
Jared Eli Oct 2018
A readied man prepares himself for the schedule he can keep
But readied men are not prepared for the undetermined deep
The readied man will hold his page of dates and names and numbers
But those prepared for certain doom uncertainty encumbers

In I ride with fist held high
Burning gleam in either eye
Shouting upward at the sky:
“Burn the syllabi!”

Those ready men with paper sheaves, fledgling spears, and Pilot pens
Will find that with the chaos waves of fractal truth the world bends
And in the bending all exists as nothing more than blank code
So ready then your warships, but you’re tacking down the wrong road

In I ride with standard high
Burning gleam in either eye
Shouting upward at the sky:
“Burn the syllabi!”

The Four Horseman: Complexity, Uncertainty, Recurrence
Trajectory will maximise Lyapunov’s occurrence
Put on your scheduled armour and when you ride that rigid line
Remember that you penned it in and you claimed it would be fine

In We ride with fists held high
Flaming embers in place of eyes
Shouting ‘til the echoes die:
“Burn the syllabi!”
Sep 2018 · 174
Angry God
Jared Eli Sep 2018
There are bottles on the floor but it's best to drink
with low center of gravity right now and
what's lower than the floor?
And it might be floor level
but it levels the playing field and I feel
like I can rush the players and
play right into the hands of my angry god.
My angry god has dreadlocks and smokes;
Don't ask me if it's ****--he's never shared.
My angry god wears button-down shirts,
the Hawaiian kind.
He drapes the shirts over his bony, lanky body
My angry god forgives me for the things I
don't remember doing, and laughs at the things
I do.
My angry god picks up the floor bottles and
tells me I can turn them into glasses
"recycle, reuse," he tells me
And I tell him the cycle of use repeats
and my feet shuffle close to him, wanting
to pat his shoulders but he's shouldered
my responsibilities and I can't add weight
so wait--
My angry god's hands are smudged with
dirt and ink and oil
like the prodigal poet, the blue collar lyricist
and he tells me not to worry
He tells me it doesn't matter
He tells me he's proud of me
And I don't have to prove myself to him
My angry god grabs my bottles and he
levels them
Emptying the playing field
"Sleep easy," he says
He tucks me in.
Sep 2018 · 215
Purchasing Power
Jared Eli Sep 2018
They bought up the bands first.
Every half-bit guitarist with some ripped
denim clothing jumped at the chance
to have more than bus fare to the next gig.

They bought up the bands and they
turned them into Spam.
Canned meat that is meant never to expire,
meant to be shipped to islands all over the world,
large and small.

Packaged, processed, made of who knows what.
It says what on the can, on the band, sure.
After all, who’s ever met a label that couldn’t be
doctored or fudged or a flat-out lie?

They bought up the music and the music flowed,
heavy with propaganda pollutants,
and we all changed our minds.

Our minds were worn as riverbeds are worn
as the music flowed through like a river flows through.
And the smokes we smoked were the smokes they smoked,
industry-purchased, paper-wrapped cancers.
And the shares went higher and the music played louder
and the bad that was turned worse
until everything turned from flowing to forcing
and the music was the ocean, large and terrible and murderous,
with things deeper and darker lurking beneath.

They bought up the bands and the music
and they wiggled their music-wedge into
the doorway of the tube, the telly, the tv, the idiot box.
After all, what’s so big a leap that the ocean of
the machine that is industry-music can’t manage?

They bought up the music, they converted us.
They bought up the television, they led us by the nose
like  ducklings, like lemmings.
They made us believe in art, believe in something
with lead-based paint covering the ***-metal caricature
of something that had been, long long ago,
but which never was, not truly.

Politics is pervasive, and politics pushes through.
The biggest stack pushes the players around,
makes the little guy fold even if he’s got a royal flush.
Because the biggest stack bought the half-bit guitarists
and the music and the television and all of us, bit by bit.

The biggest stacks have been buying us, every one.
And each of us has chosen sides, multiple sides,
because we don’t know what we’re fighting for,
but we know we’re fighting and we know we’re being bought.
It’s a difficult war we’re all fighting, alone and together.
A difficult series of seemingly pointless battles,
and we’re being bought and sold all the while.

But isn’t it nice to be wanted.
Aug 2018 · 215
Casual
Jared Eli Aug 2018
And it's just, the more I pull away the more it seems elastic dreams of snapping back
I've lived on razor's edges long enough to know a cut that's coming
And the cut that's coming I've stopped before but it wants more, it want the string
These things come with a price that's paid by the ones that lay me down
The waters are deep below but I just might go swimming
The waters are deep below but you want to follow
me and I can't let you
I can't imagine losing you even if the losing is done after I've lost
And maybe it'll always be this way night and day making two endless cycles of battles until I'm not sure if I'm waking from sleep or sleeping to avoid the waking nightmare of the thing I want to do
Now with growing concern I realize too late that it is fate that all I've done is draw out my final breath for a few more years and no one hears the voice in my head that convinces me it might be fun to be
Dead dreams grow like weeds in my rib cage sores and I pull them out and leave them on the window sills because talk and pills seem endlessly to be the answer
but I know the answer is just a delay of the inevitable and that's okay
so long as it means I make it another day
So long as I get to keep you, and I suppose, so long as you get to keep me
Aug 2018 · 198
Cookie-cutter
Jared Eli Aug 2018
Cookie-cutter classics are what I'm listening to
Songs like these just always seem to make me think of you:
Same as others, yet still popular; you leave me feeling blue
Wishing for a cookie-cutter to make me the same as you
Jared Eli Jun 2018
It’s been half-past Forgetting You
And this broken watch goes ticking
A time bomb of its own and now
I’m drinking by myself
I’m drinking by myself

For [x] years now I’ve gotten on
Moving forward like you’re doing
A conveyor belt of feelings
I’m thinking to myself

I’m thinking that
     As we get old and moldy
     Will the rocks remember us?
     Or will they roll forgetting
     That these naked apes once        
      loved?

A quarter ‘til Find Someone New
And this half-wound watch needs fixing
Keeping time all by its lonesome
I’m thinking to myself

I’m thinking that
     As time turns like a turret
     Will it cast its gaze on me?
     Am I small as god is small
     Ubiquitous, forsaken?

Can’t you see? (I’m brand new)
Can’t you see? (I’m reformed)
Can’t you see?
Can’t you see?

I’m thinking that
     As I grow old and ugly
     Will this rock still be my friend?
     Dust and ash and rib I am
     But who will remember that?

I’m thinking that
     As time becomes my comrade
     Will we fight a wicked fight?
     Or will we become traitors
     And destroy ourselves once more?

And it’s half-past Forgetting You
It’s a quarter ‘til Find Someone New
This broken watch keeps ticking on
But I, I have turned off.
Jun 2018 · 284
Untitled
Jared Eli Jun 2018
Yo lowkey; I ain't ate ****
And I'm blacking out a little bit
The whiskey 'n' ale is making me dizzy
And my brain and my hair both are all frizzy
Got dollars in my pocket, my phone is dead
Sunglasses and an envelope; lotto blinks red
And I'm writing on a napkin, blank screens abound
While the stories coming out go 'round and 'round
Jared Eli Jun 2018
The first time I saw you cry was about him
And it was in your month so it wasn't fair
It was about how he had pressed pause
Played with words and women
Like he was running through so many flowers
Just running through flowers; he'd be back soon.

The first time I saw you cry I held you in my arms
I was wearing a shirt of acting
Acting the part of a father
And fathering a mind full of doubts and fears
I told you to hit stop on the paused player.

The first time I held you in my arms, I didn't know what to do
Patting or stroking or still
I still don't know what to do with them
But I tried to say the things I didn't know how
How you needed so much better
Better find yourself a true love.

The first time I made you cry, I said 'I love you'
The first time you cried because of something I said
Good goodbye tears, happy and sad
Like the world was ending, and ours was, a little
You left with him
We lost each other
You lost yourself
I found me

The last time I made you cry, you said "I'm sorry"
But it was because I made you think about him
And it was in your house so it wasn't fair
I made you think of infidelity and the fear
Of losing Someone you love to Someone you love
I was the second Someone making you think of that first someone
Of not-too-many years ago

The last time I made you cry, you comforted me
I threw up in your toilet and you said "I'm sorry"
I gave you nothing but unprocessed ****
Rejected goodness and nourishment
I gave you memories of bad people
And bad thoughts of good people
I gave you strife
And you said "I'm sorry"
My heart aches for all the wrong I do and every one of your selfless actions wring it like a cloth and I don't know how I could love you any more than I do, my truest friend, my guardian angel.
Jared Eli May 2018
I spent a lot of time on you, and that’s my fault.
Should’ve been more pragmatic with my temporal currency
I’m not a millionaire in that category, not yet
In any category, for that matter
I guess I never thought it’d be an issue.

Here’s the thing: I thought I thought I thought
I loved you.
Jeez. That’s a thing you should know, you know?
Something I thought I knew
But I was wrong.

It’s been a while, but memories come up
This time of year; this month
A lot of things happened this month, a lifetime ago
And you were in some of them
On the fringes, casting glances askance
Hoping I wasn’t watching
Knowing I was.

Like, I had a title— you gave me a title
“Give an inch” you know?
But I held my end until I couldn’t
And you never did.

I thought I loved you
I was wrong.
I know I love her
Because it feels nothing like before.

I wonder if you know what love is
Or if you only know wanting
The emptiness that comes from
Needing a foundation
Needing a stable parentage
Needing. . . someone to take up your burdens
Telling you it’ll be alright
Telling you you’re fine.

Needing someone to take up my position
I was a mechanic:
You’d take your problems in to me
I’d fix them up
And I wouldn’t charge you because
You were my favourite customer
I was never more than a stop on your errand run
If you could fit me in.

It’s upsetting, because so much of my temporal capital
Went to someone who didn’t appreciate it
Someone who could replace me
Someone who did replace me.

I don’t know why I thought I loved you
Maybe proximity gets you confused
Maybe familiarity gets you confused
Maybe maturity pulls back the curtain, throws light on our idols
Shows them for the half-starved lions they are
The manticore illusion dies.

I’ve been spending my time better now
With better people
With people I love and who love me.

She loves me; you didn’t.
I win; you lose.

I don’t think about you all that often
But when I do
I don’t get angry
I don’t think about you all that often
But when I do
I hope I don’t ever have
to make small talk with you

I don’t think about you.

But when I do
I hope reality shows you a mirror
And you peer into your actions
Remembering the people you chased away
The people who left you for greener pastures
And as you carve the tallies into the mirror
Marks of the ones who’ve gone
I hope you see that they are going toward happiness
And that you are living in unhappiness
Spinning webs of negativity as you
Verbally abuse the ones you “love.”

I hope life bites. And I hope you know
That you gave it the teeth to do it.
May 2018 · 347
10:30 p.m., Monday
Jared Eli May 2018
The wind doesn't whistle so much as it lightly breathes over this bottle that is where we live
The bottle of Earth
Or at least my city.

It's breathing with the sense of misplaced importance, like it's sure it's a foreboding wind, but it doesn't have the backing
Or the heart.

I hear it, feel it lap at my bare calves gently, as though I'm swathed in the tide that's just come in, just trying to hang.

I feel the wind, hear it, and wonder how much of what I hear is the airplanes on their path back home.

How much of what I feel is the memory of a trip I took to the beach once, where the bottom of my foot came in contact with a reef in the wrong way and I had to hobble back to our sitting spot on one good foot and a fresh-made blood-fist of a foot.

How much of tonight is fueled by the pills I took an hour ago and my own anxiety and stress and unease
How much of me is fueled by needing someone in my life
Needing an older guide
Needing someone with a couple of light-up popsicles to show me the way

The way back home from this humdrum, bottle-blowing existence.
Apr 2018 · 162
Wet feet self-realisations
Jared Eli Apr 2018
And the shoe drops, filled to the brim with water
The shoe drowns, but I’m working the pumps
Keeping her afloat, keeping that shoe afloat
But she drops down , drifting, drifting
I’ve no galoshes but my feet are swamped and I can’t say anything
Never admit to cold feet, Dad used to say
Knee-deep in puddles and my only thought is “this is who I am”
My home-grown brand of comedy’s the life that keeps me living
And I’m laughing at the sound of me, laughing at my sight
Because the things I see and say and think
Are clowned up hard for me
A laugh a life and here I find
I’m laughing all alone
Wet shoes, wet feet, wet eyes
“This is who I am”
And I know it’s gonna be alright
I’m taking up the pumps
And the shoe that’s dropped picks up, picks up
Drifting off to sleep
Apr 2018 · 235
Untitled
Jared Eli Apr 2018
I dream as though my eyes have gone
I creep and grasp at walls
And blood drips down my borrowed hands
I've found in hospice halls

Can you see me as I'm dreaming?
Or am I lost in space?
Don't tell me
Don't tell me

My days are filled with listless strolls
The nights I dream I'm blind
I toss and turn with sweat-soaked sheets
That tangle, strangle, bind

Can you see me as I'm dreaming?
Or am I lost in space?
Don't tell me
Don't tell me now. . .
Apr 2018 · 143
Untitled
Jared Eli Apr 2018
Can't you see the bodies falling?
Tra-la-la-la-la
The moon is deep and dark this evening
Can you see its limbs?

Drop me down that shaft of light
And see if I can swim
If I scamper back again
Don't tell me I'm like him
Apr 2018 · 160
Hello, hello, goodbye
Jared Eli Apr 2018
Tell me that you're dying
And I'll say it must be Tuesday
You've got a pocket full of holes again

And there's nothing in the sunset
Makes me think that I'd believe you
When you're walking 'cross my path again

Hey, it's been ages since we've talked, you know
Lives have started, stopped, and dawdled on
And I'm not the one you met so long ago
I'm not the one you lost or need
So hello, familiar stranger
Hello, hello, goodbye

You tell me that you miss me
And I say, "grab a phone book,
find the number that I never, ever changed"

You say, "absence makes you fonder"
But I've been absent most my life
And there's nothing from that that I've ever gained

It's been ages since we've talked, you know
Lives have started, stopped, and carried on
And I'm not the one you loved so long ago
I'm not the one you lost or need
So goodbye familiar stranger
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Apr 2018 · 135
So I made a thing. . .
Jared Eli Apr 2018
I recently finished a "collection" of "short stories"
It's really garbage and if you'd like to waste money, you'll find the info below











. . . But it is very bad so don't do it.
http://www.lulu.com/shop/jared-cohen/things-you-never-said/paperback/product-23583891.html
Mar 2018 · 162
Untitled
Jared Eli Mar 2018
Time's ticking like it does and that sentinel on the wall
Gives me moment by moment the pace to the fall
And the dominoes keep kicking like a line of Rockettes—
“What is the time? Mary Ann, check all your pockets!”
But the pockets are empty and so too are those bones
Then when push comes to shove, every tile intones
“Here are we spotted cards: all blank cogs laid to rest
You’ve been laid in sepulchers. Now come lay with the best”
But the pillow’s more tempting and heads will recline
On soft, swaddled goose down; the best rest is mine.
Mar 2018 · 152
Settle in, settle down
Jared Eli Mar 2018
Tie up your newspapers
Throw down your caps
Settle in deep
For the rat-tatat-taps

Think awhile, drink awhile
Leave your brain in the sink awhile
For a while it will be before I’m back again
And a while you must stay, apart from me, my friend

So tie up your newspapers
Throw down your caps
Settle in deep
For the rat-tatat-taps
Jared Eli Feb 2018
Yet again it begins as the puppet master spins
Tangling the strings and holding up the wings
And down go the angels into hell
Down goes the bucket in the well
But the water comes up empty
And the bucket sinks down dry
And as sure as skies are falling
There's a needle in my eye

Did you try to tell me something
When you floated out to space?
Did you try to let me know
That the void was in my place?
That the emptiness consumed you
And you consumed my heart
And when you found it lacking
You blew us both apart

Yet again it will end and we greet again as friends
But the knots that were tied are just tangles multiplied
And the complication's ever
Ever present, ever on
Ever present, ever on
Ever on and on and on

Did you try to tell me something
When you sank down in the deep?
Did you try to let me know
That I was making you lose sleep?
Then those sleepless nights defined us
And defined we could not stay
And when that door was opened
You walked out and away

Yet again it begins as the wooden puppet spins
Held up fast and held up tight casting shadows in the light
And down goes the curtain on the stage
Fistfuls of hair fly in a rage
But the show reviews successful
So the master restful lies
And the blazing wooden puppet
Feeds the fire as it dies

Did you try to tell me something?
For the hour's now grown late
And the something that you said
Is now lost and out of date
Did you try to tell me something?
I didn't listen, couldn't hear
All the words from puppet masters
Were crammed deep into my ear

Did you try to tell me. . .?

Did you try to tell me. . .?
Feb 2018 · 701
Untitled
Jared Eli Feb 2018
Up and down the alleyway
The street art reeks of ****
And up and down I walk until
I cast my eyes on this:

An image of a girl aflame
Balloons in either hand
The rosy-red wrapped 'round her wrist
Her eyes fixed on the sand.

And painted waves lap painted feet
Extinguishing their flame
But water works with cyclic rolls
And feet in flame remain.

The latex melts and burns her hands
Her hair curls up in ash
And I walk on, untouched, unscathed
For art will fade and pass.
Nov 2017 · 451
Eclectic
Jared Eli Nov 2017
I've got an eclectic taste; everyone who knows me better than they can throw me will say it
(Those that can throw me better than they know me are giants
And they aren't allowed to exist too near me;
I'm a Halfling.)
But my tastes are eclectic, and my album choices range from "Ten$ion" to "Merry Christmas"
My palate asks for potato salad, then daiquiri ice
I love the way Trainspotting wraps up nicely and how T2 comes along and undoes the work of the previous film-- ruins it
And then I love The Grand Budapest Hotel for being well-kept and neat
I have a range of tastes that don't align, that don't make sense.
But with you, my eccentricity ends and my choice is flavorful.
I choose you and you are not an eclectic choice.
You are the sense in my senseless choosing, the centre of the fractal whose patterns are too convoluted
You tie me all together in a nice, neat bow and here I am
Standing on a mound 5/2 of a year thick.
Nov 2017 · 233
A thousand drops of madness
Jared Eli Nov 2017
A thousand drops of madness
like rain fall from the sky
A thousand seeds beneath them
sprout forth, and by and by
The sprouts beneath the rainfall
look more and more like you
'til the rain I know is timeless
and the picture just us two
The painted brush of Rembrandt
in death cemented be
Still he captures in this portrait
a picture of us three
A thousand drops of madness
A soil of willing faith
And you and me, close as can be
Our quest that of a Wraith
Oct 2017 · 219
Mark Tansey
Jared Eli Oct 2017
There are faces in the ocean; there are bodies in the sea,
There are bloated, driftwood-corpses that float up and welcome me.
To the seashore where I've found them, to my bed back where I sleep,
I dream of sky-blue faces as they swirl down in the deep.
Jared Eli Oct 2017
I am a guerilla warfare tactician in a state of fight and flight;
I drop words and phrases like cheap explosives
And I head for the hills when the chickens come home to roost.
99% of all things I have ever said are extinct in my memory,
Having died there almost immediately after their conception.
I am a walking mausoleum of thought, well populated,
And reeking of neglect.
I try to remember, but for the life of me, I can't.
I've forgotten what I meant to say, or if I've said it already.

Just wait, because someday I'll be old and feeble-minded

And as I sit and stare in a hospital chair
Catching the eye of the nurse walking by
I'll wonder, "Do I know her? Is she my daughter?"
And I'll pretend 'til the end I've the answer
Oct 2017 · 191
Doing time
Jared Eli Oct 2017
I've had a long stint on this planet
They sentenced me to life
But the charges were for things that happened
Long before I was born
Tell me if that's fair
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